Tag: writing

minutes tick by

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and I check to see if you have messaged me back.

Why should I?

Habit, I suppose. I’ve gotten used to hearing from you often. And now that I’m not hearing from you as much, I miss you.

I miss hearing your notification sound go off. I don’t think I ever told you, but you had your own sound. A special tone that told me who it was. It was you.

Though I don’t hear it often anymore. Yet I’ll admit, whenever I do, my heart does a little flip. I perk up a bit and get excited.

I read your messages and miss you more.

I’m holding onto hope, I realize. Could it work out between us in the future? Could there ever be a future for us? Romantically, of course. Dating-wise, of course. A high-functioning, partnering, Christ-like relationship.

I don’t know. All I know is that it isn’t now. Now was not right. The Holy Spirit was convicting me whenever we were apart, that that’s where we were to stay.

It was when we were together that I was confused. I liked what I saw and I liked what I felt, and I convinced myself that the Holy Spirit must have been lying. God must have been bending the truth.

I even believed that it wasn’t God at all who was speaking to me to end things. I convinced myself that it was hormones. It must’ve been my body that was all jacked up, and that is why I keep going back and forth about breaking up with you.

Lord Jesus… how come so much of your daily mercies go unnoticed, yet your mercy comes alive to me better when you allow me to go thru a trial such as this? I wish your sovereignty would have prevented me from ever dating this person. I wish your hand would’ve prevented me from getting close to him and starting to care about him. Though there’s no going back now. There’s only forward moving. Either forward moving, or staying in one place. I choose to go forward in faith. 

What now?

I’ll tell you where I can’t live. That’s in a place of doubt. In a place where I keep wondering if I did the right thing

Pause

Can you believe that I just checked my messages in the middle of typing this post?

And even backed up and read old message exchanges too?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wwwwwwwwwwwwwwell.

Ha :/

10:11. Believe it or NAWHT I’m going to bed right now.

Goodnight everyone. Turn off your phone and unplug for a while. It does the mind & body good <3

xxx

<3

V

1:58 AM

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and I am awake again. But that’s because….

Okay, I could honestly always come up with a “but that’s because” whenever I want to justify staying up late. And I know I jeeeeeeeeest wrote that daggone post about needing to sleep and rest and how sleep deprivation makes me cray etc etc etc

ha.

But I can explain.

I was having a much needed conversation with someone very important to me. We talked for 5 hours straight. I am not surprised by this because that’s what we have always done. Time flies when I’m with this person.

We had a real talk where we told each other the truth about how we felt. I had been worried because I knew I was going to see this person tonight and I was scared they would act indifferent around me. I thought they would act like they didn’t care.

However, it was the opposite.

They were the most caring and affectionate and focused I have ever seen them before. Not to say they have never been affectionate or caring or focused. But they were doubly so tonight. Triply. Quadrupley.

“Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone?” Joni Mitchells

We strengthened a bridge tonight. Truth was spoken. Authentic vulnerability was displayed.

I feel lighter. I feel better. I feel freer. I feel peaceful. I trust the process.

I trust God’s process.

<3

And it’s now 2:10 AM

BUT

I don’t have to start work at any particular time in the morning.

I have a lunch date at 12/1230 (can’t remember which!) and then another client at 2. Then swimming (GOD WILLING) then a coffee date with a girlfriend. Then a dinner date with another girlfriend. Praise God for good friends and good food and a flexible schedule!

Not to mention, I don’t have my night shift tomorrow night! And all I have on Thursday is work 12-3, and 8:30-12.

HOLLA!

<3

God is good. God is gracious. All good and perfect gifts come from Him <3 🙂

MMK  time for sleep.

Good night y’all 🙂

xxx

V

 

12:49 am

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and I should be sleeping right now. For the past 9 months this has been the story of my life. Ever since I started salsa dancing and staying out way too late, and also the beginning of one of my jobs caregiving for a night owl. So I go to bed late often. Usually it’s my own choice though. I have nobody else to blame but myself. Especially on nights that I go dancing and choose to either (A) stay in the parking lot talking and hanging out for hours on end or (B) stay at whatever event or club til ~2 in the morning and then hang out after til 3, 4, 5, or even 6:00AM.

Crazy talk.

9 months of crazy.

That’s the amount of time it takes for the human body to grow a baby.

So if these past 9 months of my life was growing a baby, that baby would be:

sleep deprivation, lack of clarity, stress, distraction, nap-time, procrastination, not being dependable, not performing at the top of my game, missing things because I was too tired to do them.

A trusted friend and mentor told me the other day that they were concerned for me. I asked why and she said “you don’t seem as level headed as you used to”.

I know she’s right.

That’s what not getting enough rest does to a person.

It makes a 26-year-old adult into a crying baby. A 9-month old, just-born, crybaby. That’s how I feel often.

Can’t get muh crap together. Am hasty/impulsive with my decision-making. Experiencing some anger. Selfish.

………

When she said that to me it was a wake-up call. Even though I don’t need to be woken up, I need to go to sleep. Ba-dum-CHHHHHHHHHHHH 😀 😉

For realsies though, I don’t want to be this way anymore. I want to get more rest. I want to be more dependable.  I want to perform well in all that I do.

So I am going to stick to my boundaries. And if I can’t do it, I’m going to ask somebody to keep me accountable for going to bed earlier. I am adamant about changing. I want to be more productive. I want to have more clarity. I want to rest in the Lord more. I want to be used by Him in all the ways possible. I have to do my part and take care of myself. I have to take care of this temple, my body, that He made me into when He gave me new life.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

 

<3

So I prayed to God and asked Him to help me get more rest. And today I found out that one of my clients doesn’t need me to do her Wednesday night shift anymore. PRAISE GOD!!!! Now I will get good sleep on Wednesday nights and won’t be exhausted all day Thursday anymore! Praise the Lord!!!!!! I love quick answers to prayer.

Also I am going to chill at home Friday nights for the most part. Or be home by … 1:00AM if I do go out since I have work on Saturdays. I will give this more thought.

 

Okay, more later.

 

Goodnight y’all.

 

xxx

V

<3

the union of marriage

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I am grieving the loss of a relationship. One that I really wanted to work out. And now I’m sad.

Sad that he didn’t make me feel like the only one.

Disappointed that I hoped so much that that would change.

Sad that I won’t be hearing from him regularly anymore.

Disappointed that I didn’t stop it before it got to this point.

Sad that my own disobedience is what got me here.

Sad that I’ve dated so many people in the past that I have expectations of what I’m looking for in a man and how I want to be treated. Ignorance is bliss, but I’m not ignorant to this.

But on the same hand, he isn’t ready. He never was ready to commit to one person. One woman. One wife. He wasn’t ready to become one with another person.

That’s what marriage is all about. Becoming one. The union of marriage is two people coming together and choosing one another over everyone else. Marrying one person is saying I will love you and serve you and choose you everyday for the rest of my life.

It’s not being enticed by other people. It’s recognizing that every person is made in the image of God and has ups and downs, pros and cons, flaws. Every person has a beautiful soul and mind given to them by God.

Choosing to love just one person means wanting to know them from the inside out. It’s getting to know their heart. It’s focusing on only them. It’s not putting your eggs in several different baskets in case it doesn’t work out. It’s putting your heart on the line and trusting and believing that the person you’re giving your heart to will love you back.

Lord Jesus, I am so sorry and sad that I disobeyed you and tried to make my own way with this individual. You didn’t want me to go that day because you knew he wasn’t right for me. I injected myself into his life and tried to change him and save him and make him fit for me and it didn’t work. And now I am so, so sad. Your Holy Spirit is a rescuer. You rescued me and challenged me to obey you this weekend. And so last night I did. I broke it off with him. It was time. Oh Lord. Thank you for rescuing me. For caring for me. For showing me the way in which I should go.

Lord I pray for clarity. I ask you to give me clarity in Jesus’ name. To help me see you in this situation. Reveal anything to me that I need to work on, confess for, repent of, and work towards. I am your vessel and recognize that I am not my own. Help me to serve you better and seek Your kingdom and Your righteousness first and foremost. 

Amen.

xxx

<3

V

fresh emotions

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too raw not to share. The real stuff is always worth reading.

I broke up with him y’all. I had to. I didn’t want to, but I had to.

The Holy Spirit led me to.

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” John 16:13

 

And He told me what to do. And I had to obey. I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t snuff it. I couldn’t push it down. I knew what I had to do and what I had to say. And so I did it.

I sent the message. I said the four words that everyone hates hearing

“we need to talk”

and I know that he knew. We had a similar conversation last Sunday too. I was hoping the feelings would go away. The peace-less-ness. Lol not a word but aye.

They lingered. The lack of peace lingered.

Oh Lord Jesus. I hate break-ups. I hate hurting people. I hate brokenness. I hate heartbreak. Oh Lord it’s so sad when it doesn’t work out. I really wanted it to work. I tried to see past flaws. I tried to focus on positives. I tried to forgive him. I tried to see You in it all. But I didn’t have peace. I knew I had to break it off. I knew. And so I did. And now I’m sad.

Sad.

We talked for two hours. About our relationship and how fun it was. How he learned a lot. How we could’ve done things better. How it was going to be hard to be long-distance anyway. How God has been working. And I prayed for him. I held his hand while I prayed for him and I just about cried doing it. I had to pause for about 15 seconds before I could start the prayer because I was fighting back tears.

And we made jokes…. we wished each other well. He said “I hope you find what you’re looking for”. And I said “I don’t know what I’m looking for. I think I know what I need but God shows me what I actually need”.

I have to believe that God has something better out there for the both of us. A better relationship. A better fit. Two better people, a man and a woman, for me and for him. Two people that will better meet each of our needs.

Oh Lord it’s hard. Especially when he walked me to my car and said “so I guess this is it?” and we hugged. And I cried. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. And he said “I’m going to miss you.” And I wanted to kiss him, but I knew that would’ve confused things. And I wanted to say “I should go before I kiss you” but I knew that we would’ve kissed if I said that. So I kept it to myself, and cried, and trusted you O Lord. 

He asked if he could stop in on Saturday morning at my house and say a final goodbye. I said yes. I’ll be working where I live that morning, and hopefully he comes at a proper time where I can have a few minutes with him.

See I really enjoy his company. We can just be together. He’s sweet and fun and funny. He’s kind and gentle. There are many qualities that he possesses that I love.

But the peace wasn’t there. I knew it wasn’t right. Our relationship seemed superficial.

Superficial. Surface deep. Looks pretty on the outside. But I didn’t feel that connection with him. That deep connection. I need that deepness. I need those deep talks.

Oh Lord, I must go to sleep now. I feel as though I may take ill if I don’t. Thank you for watching over me, my kind shepherd. I love thee with all my heart, soul and mind. 

xxx

<3

V

I obeyed

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and I feel a lot better. I obeyed because my Father told me to do something.

My Father knows what I need. He knows what I lack. He knows the areas that I have to grow in. He challenges me. He comforts me at the same time. He walks alongside me.

He was with me tonight when I had a hard conversation.

Confrontation is not my favorite thing. It’s actually really hard for me. It’s difficult to confront people about things that bother me. I’m not great at it because I don’t want to hurt the person I have to confront. I have been trained to walk on eggshells my whole life; never wanting to hurt anyone or experience the possibility of an adverse reaction. Anything to avoid conflict. But God is teaching me how to have hard conversations. He keeps impressing upon me — with His Holy Spirit– times and opportunities to talk about the hard things.

And it wasn’t so bad. Nobody bit my head off. Nobody yelled at me or threw anything at me. Nobody sneered at me, scoffed at me, or mocked me. What I said was received, and received well. Seemingly.

Though time will tell. Time will reveal the fruit of last night’s conversation. But I had to say the things I said. They were eating me from the inside out. And I feel better now. And I trust the Lord!

The fruit of the Spirit of goodness means telling someone the truth even when it hurts. It’s saying it out of a place of love, and in a loving manner. But often times it’s hard to do.

Watch my video on kindness/goodness! 🙂  https://youtu.be/Z2N2JKbtm_0 🙂

Lord! Thank you for this Monday morning. Thank you for a sufficient amount of sleep. Thank you for a comfortable bed and a place to wash my face and a way to hear Your Word. Father thank you for hearing my prayers telling me to pray. Thank you for being patient with me and teaching me to rely on You completamente por todos. I love you <3

xx

V

 

 

 

Trusting Him

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Do I trust Him

Do I trust His Holy Spirit

Do I trust His message that He lays on my heart?

Will I be obedient even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if it’s painful. Even if it means hurting someone that I care about? Even if it means telling the truth when the truth could hurt?

Even if it means tough love?

Yet He comforts me and says “I am with you and will never leave you or forsake you.”

And I feel that He is with me and I thank Him for sticking with me even during times of suffering the consequences of my own sin. He is with me even when I am experiencing the repercussions of my own bad choices. And He has my hand in His hand and He says walk this way my child, walk with Me. Come and drink of the living water, which is the only water that satisfies. And He leads me, and He carries me, and He comforts me, and His love for me is stronger with each step that we take.

Lord Jesus… I trust You. I thank you that you have given me a spirit not of fear, but of power, love and self-control. Thank you for being with me and for leading me along the paths of righteous for Your name’s sake. Thank you for using me as your vessel. Thank you for teaching me to move forward in faith. Amen.

xx <3

V

Discipline

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Good morning. 🙂

Nobody likes the word “discipline”. When I think of this word I think of spankings, getting slapped, not being able to go out with my friends. Getting yelled at, reprimanded. I think of rules and boundaries and anger and whips and shackles and jail cells. I think of the Count of Monte Cristo and being a prisoner and hating life.

Hey, I’m just being honest.

But it turns out discipline is a good thing.

There are multiple definitions to the word “discipline” and to be fair, the first one is “punishment” which validates the journey my mind just went on. 😀

The second definition is “a field of study”.

The third definition is “training that corrects, molds or perfects”.

The fourth is “control gained by obedience or training”.

The fifth is “a system of rules governing conduct”.

Thanks Merriam Webster.

We are going to camp out on definitions 3 & 4.

Discipline is training that corrects molds or perfects; discipline is control gained by obedience or training.

In other words, to be disciplined is to gain control through training that molds or perfects.

We will now apply this to godliness and spirituality.

In order to become more godly, we must be disciplined in the way we go about it. The first way is to read the bible diligently. Without reading the bible diligently, aka every day, we are preventing ourselves from receiving God’s grace through this channel. Aside from reading the bible, we must hear the Word also.

“Romans 10:17 says “Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.”

In other words, our faith grows as we hear the word of God. The hearing of the Word and the reading of the Word are essential to our spiritual growth. We must stay disciplined in this area so we are sure to be fed and satisfied.

John 6:35 says “Then Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”

When it comes to regular food and drink, I don’t need any help in staying disciplined to make sure I eat and drink. This type of food only satisfies temporarily though. To be fed spiritually, we must partake in the hearing and reading of the Word of God as often as we eat and drink tangible, physical, temporal food. We must have it fresh every day.

Just like the manna fell from heaven in Exodus and the Israelites were told to collect only however much they needed for that day else it would spoil, that is how we are to treat the Word of God. We can’t read a big sum of scripture today and expect it to satisfy us all week. No, we need the Word fresh everyday.

More later.

xxx

<3
V

Praise the Lord

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I am not sick! And I got a shipment of books today! And drank good coffee. Also went on a sunny walk and had a lovely prayer sesh. Was productive… Life is good.

Now I’m at church about to have a pre-meeting meeting. Hehe gotta love those back-to-back meetings ^_^ 🙂

Today is a Monday. But honestly, I like Mondays. Don’t mind em. I actually like all of my days usually. There is good in every single day that our good Lord creates and allows us to partake in and enjoy. Yes, there are downs to each day. Challenges. Obstacles. Problems to solve. But we have the privilege of access to a mighty God who is more than able to fight our battles if we only ask Him.

Yep, calling on the Lord is the way to get thangs done.

I am so thankful for prayer. I am praising the Lord for this language that He gave us to communicate with Him and be able to tell Him about our days, our struggles, lean on Him and ask for help. But also to adore Him, confess to Him and rely on Him for everything.

Look for ways to glorify our sweet Lord today!! <3 <3 <3

More later.

xxxx

V

The Vagueness

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I refuse to believe I’m the only one suffering the effects of The Vagueness.

The Vagueness. It’s a serious dilemma. A disease that’s overtaken this culture. An epidemic that drives hundreds of thousands, if not millions of young men and women to confusion, doubt, uncertainty, unnecessary time spent making justifications, and overall heartache.

The Vagueness: coming to a theater near you.

Joking. It’s already everywhere. All around. Everywhere I look. Guys not willing to call a date a date. Girls leading guys on because they enjoy the flattery and the attention.

When did we lose the courage to be straight up with each other? When did people start settling so quickly and easily for the next person and relationship to come around that seemingly fulfills the hole of loneliness attention-seeking requirements we each have as a human being.

The Vagueness. Yup.

Now let me tell you about the origin of the Vagueness.

People are afraid of rejection. We’re acceptance junkies, and can’t stand when people don’t like us or want us. We all strive to be loved and wanted.

So when two people are interested in each other and start getting to know one another, it’s hugely tempting to keep things “casual” just in case it doesn’t go over well.

Because if you call it “hanging out” you were never actually “dating” right?

Right????????!!!!!!!!

And so you “hang out” once.

And then you “hang out” a second and third time.

And then one person starts to wonder “what this is” and a DTR talk needs to happen. (“Define the Relationship”).

And if both people are feelin’ it, maybe you decide you’re dating.

Or maybe one person says “do we have to call it dating?”

Or one person says “yeah I’m not really into you”

Or one person says “what do you mean, we’re just friends?!”

THE DTR TALK IS A BAD SIGN Y’ALL.

If you have to have a define-the-relationship talk, the relationship might not be a healthy one. Just sayin.

Let’s be intentional about dating.

Let’s call dates dates.

Let’s be intentional about how we spend our time with the opposite sex.

I dunno about you, but I’m not looking for more friends. If a guy wants to “hang out” with me, I’m gonna be straight up from the beginning and say “soo is this a date?” and if he says no, then I’ma tell him straight up: sorry _______ but I’m not looking for a friend; I have plenty of those already. I’m looking to be in a serious relationship. And if you aren’t willing to call pursuing me what it is, I’m not interested.”

BAM

No more of these half-hearted attempts at getting to know if you like someone enough to be vulnerable with them and show them your heart. Show them that you have a heart. Guess what people. It’s not a secret that you have a heart. So can we PLEASE stop being so superficial about feelings.

Can we PLEASE stop being so vague about intentions. If you aren’t ready to date with marriage as the end goal, stop dating.

If you aren’t even willing to call a date a date, stop asking people to “hang out” and work on yourself first.

Be bold.

Be honest.

Be transparent.

Be vulnerable.

Be willing to take emotional risks every once in a while.

If you’re currently in a vague situation, there’s hope. Call out the Vagueness.

Repeat: do NOT settle for the vagueness. You’re worth clarity.

You’re worth clarity. You’re worth someone pursuing you like crazy. There is someone out there who wants you wholeheartedly; not half-assedly. There is someone whose heart will beat for you. There is someone out there who won’t take “no” for an answer. Wait for that person.

Do NOT settle for the vagueness.

Time to challenge each other to live in the light. Intentionally. With boldness, honesty, and clarity. Let’s do each other a favor and stop wasting each other’s time if we aren’t meant to be with that person.

Don’t let fear and lies tell you that you will always be alone. If you’re with the wrong person. you are robbing them and yourselves of the right relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The one that God has for you. Don’t let fear drive or control you.

 

Let’s be intentional with the short amount of time we have in this life.

I’m excited for us.

xxx

<3

V