When things don’t go your way

do you pout or do the next right thing? A little bit of both?

If you pout, how long do you do it for? Does it consist of pouting to yourself or complaining to anyone and everyone around you? How does that make you feel?

Kinda makes me think of a miserable slug leaving a trail of slime behind it. Eww

When things don’t go your way…

how fast are you to accept the change? Are you a fighter when it comes to keeping things the way they are, or do you ignore the changes, or do you embrace the changes?

For me, it’s a matter of if  there’s something I can do about it, I do it. If there’s nothing I can do about it, I try not to worry about it. I ask God for peace about it. He is Faithful to give me peace!

 

 

We are all little control freaks at times. We have ideas of how things should look, when they should happen, how they should happen. Thank God that He is in control and we aren’t able to manipulate so many parts of our lives. God is always teaching me how to depend on Him more. However, my nature wants to depend on Him less. And that doesn’t lead me to very good places.

I don’t want to be darkened in my understanding. I want to have the wisdom that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, going where I’m supposed to be going, and embracing what God has me to be embracing. But isn’t that every challenge?

Isn’t every single challenge that comes along once from the Lord? Not that He causes or creates the issues. Think of it like this:

If God wanted to protect me from someone, He could.

If God wanted to make my business take off running overnight, He could.

If God wanted to me work hard to cater to people no matter what their response is, He would. He would find a way. Because He is God. And if we’re looking… we’ll see God in every one of the details. Every. One.

God is the big boss. And it’s night time. Gotta go to sleep, more later!

xxx <3 V

Road signs

Today was an odd day. Well, this afternoon and evening was odd.

I started the day like normal… I was tired when I first got up, and frankly didn’t want to do anything. But I got up and made coffee and had some quiet time with God which was lovely.

Then I went to work. Then did some work at home…

Until I had to get up and move. Though I was starting to yawn. I started to get SO tired and thought it quite odd. So I put on some clothes to go running in, and thought I’d wake myself up that way. That’s when I started feeling anxious.

Don’t run today.” was the feeling that I kept getting. I kept having that feeling as I was putting on my clothes, as I was heading to my car.

I then remembered a time when I didn’t listen to God and didn’t have peace about going dancing one night but decided to go anyway and didn’t have peace the whole way there.

I then thought about the fact that I was thinking about that other time when I didn’t have peace and then started thinking about the fact that I was connecting that time to this time. So I asked God “should I just go home?” to which it seemed He said “yes, go home”.

But I still kept driving to the park. Even though the light was red and there was nobody in the turning lane next to me and I easily could have done a U-turn and went home.

So I get to the park and I’m still questioning whether or not I should be at the park (a good indicator that I should NOT be at the park) and I park my car and start walking the 5.3 mile loop. I’m planning on starting to run, but I heard a nagging “turn around and go home” in the back of my mind. Or maybe at this point those words were at the front of my mind.

So I asked God for a clear sign that I should go home. I was looking down at the time. When I looked up, I saw not one, not two, but three crystal clear signs.

They were road signs, actually.  And the first one said “Caution” and I walked by. The second one said “Do Not Enter” and I kept going. The third one said “Exit” with an arrow pointing back to my car.

It’s funny because I’ve done this trail countless times, but never noticed those signs before. I know I’m oblivious to begin with, but when you ask God for a sign and then He shows you three that all say “go home” after you pretty much know He’s been telling you to go home all along anyway, it’s time to listen.

So I left. And I went to the grocery store on the way home. Got some stir fry veggies.

Made a lil stir fry. With chicken. Yum.

And then all my plans were thrown out the window. I just felt like sleeping. I absolutely hit a wall. So at 6:30pm I went to sleep. And slept til 9:30pm. Then I went to work.

I’m about to go to bed now… 12:48am but I really wanted to share this experience with you. God is speaking. Are we listening? Are we really tuned in? Are we willing to trust Him and do what He says? Are we?

I’m not sure all of the purposes behind God telling me to go home. I don’t believe anything is ever purely physical, though He was definitely helping me take care of my body (I’m also going running tomorrow with a friend so I should preserve myself since I’m such a noob and don’t want to overdo it again. I have a tendency to start a regime too quickly and sabotage myself). I also believe there were many unforeseen spiritual implications going on that I may come to understand, but likely will not.

Long story short, God is in control. And when He takes your peace away, trust Him and listen. Lack of peace means STOP and LISTEN. Sometimes God will reveal obvious signs right in front of your face.

He is worthy to be trusted and worthy to be praised!

Hallelujah!

xxx

<3

V

The storms of life

roll in and stay for a while…,

disappear for a while.

There’s no telling when they’ll come, or when they’ll go. All can look totally calm when a sudden storm occurs. Sure, our weathermen can predict. The arrival and departure, the severity. The impact.

But it’s all guesswork. It’s all a prediction. It’s a projection. It’s uncertain. Though one thing is certain:

God either sent the storm, or God allowed the storm. For He is sovereign.

Sovereign means: the Big Boss. Sovereign means in charge of everything. Sovereign means in total control. This is not to say that God is the great puppeteer and that we don’t have a say in anything that happens; no. The bible says that God is sovereign, AND we have free will.

What this means is this: God created me and gave me a mind, a will of my own, desires, tendencies, instincts. I’m a free agent, and may choose to do whatever I will.

However, God knows all of my thoughts before I think them. He knows all the words I will ever say before I speak them. He knows where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. His Word says that He has written all the days of my life before I was born.

This fact boggles me. God wrote all the days of my life before I was born. Dang. Even the boring ones. Even the ones when I was sick. This afternoon I wasn’t feeling super great– I think it’s because I ran hard yesterday and didn’t do something properly afterwards. Not enough water, stretching, maybe an ice bath was needed? I dunno. Also, I may have simply done too much. I biked after I ran too… and then it got chilly outside so maybe subjecting my body to the elements was where I went wrong.

ANYWAY.

God knew that I would take a nap this afternoon.

Followed by an Epsom salt bath.

God knew I would be actively listening to His voice, and what conclusions I would come to.

Entrepreneurship is difficult. I want someone to tell me what to do. I want to have deadlines and pressure that keeps me accountable for getting work done.

I sat there wishing I had a boss. Then God reminded me that HE is my boss. He’s me Overseer. He’s my Counselor. He’s my Father. I report to HIM. For He says in His word:

“Whatever you do, whether you eat or drink, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31

Whatever I do.

Whether I sit or stand, speak or am silent. Run or walk, or am still. Whether I read or write or send messages or make phone calls or pray or weep or laugh; I should do it all for the glory of God.

I repeat, entrepreneurship is difficult. It requires a lot of research on my own to come up with business plans that actually work, time management that’s actually realistic, and goal setting that I can stick to. Sometimes I feel as though I’m juggling forty things at once and am not sure if I should give equal time to each one or really sit on one for a longer period of time.

To all you business owners out there, heed this advice: have some grace for yourself, especially if you’re a newbie like me. I shouldn’t expect myself to nail down an amazing business model and have a huge business after only a couple of months. I can’t help comparing myself to other people and see how they have advanced in a short time which gets me down sometimes. But it’s important to remember that those people are the anomalies.

Success requires small steps over time. Success requires many failures. Success requires consistency and being disciplined and picking the next right task and doing it. Success requires not attaching emotion to any outcome, and being okay with people expecting you to fail.

NF really did have it down in his song “Remember This”:

“These people gon’ tell you that you will never make it
Then when you do, they gon’ say they knew you were goin’ places
That’s just how it works, next thing you know you’ll be overrated
Hearing people say they miss the “old you, ” it’s crazy, ain’t it?
And perfect people don’t exist, so don’t pretend to be one
I don’t need pats on the back from people for my achievements
When I die I wanna know that I lived for a reason
Anyone can take your life, but not what you believe in, no”

Actually, the whole song is fire for entrepreneurs… it’s all about going and getting what you want out of life.

On that note, I’m going to go do what fills me up now.

Who’s with me?!?!

xxx

<3

V

“I hope you’re still writing”

She said to me.

 

“I am” was my response.

It’s people like her that encourage me to go on, and I do.

 

But Lord, I’m waiting on your move. I’m waiting on your time. I’m waiting on your green light. I’m waiting on your sign.

I’m waiting on your guidelines, I’m waiting on your words; I’m waiting for you to tell me when to back up or go forth.

You’ve handed me the tools. You’ve handed me the script. You tell me not to worry, you say you have a grip

Over my life

Over my pain

Over my future

Over my gains

My losses

My wins

My friendships

My heart

You’ve told me you’ve set me apart.

“Let you light shine before others” is one of your commands. “Don’t hide your lamp under a basket, put it on a stand. Stand up for the whole room, for all the people to see. Shine brightly on the hillside, like a well-lit up city.”

Shine. Shine. Shine for Jesus. Mind. Mind your wants and needs. Be mine. Be mine you whisper to me.

You wrote it in a letter. You tell me to read it and remember. I forget from January til December. You’re always sending it back to me. I rip it up and it reappears in my mailbox. I crumple it and it reappears in a message on a screen or from the mouth of someone in passing.

“Are you listening? I said ‘I love you'”

I’m listening. You told me through her, and so many others.

“I hope you’re still writing.”

“I am” I said.

Does this count?

xxx

<3

V

Tired

9:44pm

Friday night.
About to go to work.
Work tomorrow.
And sabbath.
Easter Sunday.

It’s strange because normally I have things to look forward to.
Is this beautiful life not enough?

How about contentment.
I say that I am.
Sometimes I am.
Usually I am, I would say.

Though it’s hard during this time.
When we’re so limited.
Though I love the rest.
I love the routine.
I love the cooking.
I love the exercise.
I love… the bible study.

I love the intimacy with the Lord.

Yes. Sitting in His presence.
And He speaks.
And He answers prayers.
And He is so sweet.

Here. Omnipresent. Available. Counseling. Comforting. Alive.

Where have I been? You’ve been here all along. And I?? I miss your presence. Yes, You’ve reminded me of Your sweetness yet again.

I have started SO many drafts on this blog. I usually start them when I’m exhausted and half asleep. Like meow. Though I need to get up and go to work. Going to text my client now actually.


 

Texted her. On my laptop. What an amazing world we live in. God is so incredibly amazing to have given us the capability to come up with all that we have. Simple amazing. Indescribably so.

Lord God, I am so privileged. You have just reminded me of the revelation I had the other night when I was turning the key on my back door. I though, Lord THANK YOU that I have a back door and a key to turn into it. You provision is insane. And I recognize that I’m only here in this house because of your goodness and grace. I love it here.  It’s perfect for me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for teaching me discipline. Thank you for teaching me how to live on my own without resorting to escapist activities. You have brought me SO far. I love and rely on you completely. 

<3

xxx

V

One bite of mango

Nicaragua

You taste so sweet

I tasted you this morning

During breakfast

One bite of mango, and there you appeared

I remember how you felt each morning

The dew on the grass

The steam rising from the warm sun

The cows grazed in the field outside

The mangoes hung from the trees outside my window

The papayas littered the ground

I picked one up

It was ready to eat

The fruit of the ground, the fruit of the earth

Reminds me of a time when I was searching

I placed my hope in people

I lived to be liked

and was crippled when I wasn’t

Do you remember, Nicaragua?

How they used to laugh at my jokes

How I would say anything?

I pause to take a warm sip of coffee. My mouth is cold from the frozen mango and blueberries I just finished eating. The dichotomy resembles how I was then to how I am now: cold to hot.

It was all about me then. What I could get for me, at whatever expense. We were all so entitled. So entitled.

One bite of mango. All these thoughts rise up from one bite of mango.

The sense of taste has an amazing memory.

Today is another day

I hope it’s one to remember.

xxx

<3

V

 

Naivety

Naivety

Naive

I don’t always filter everything through so fine a sieve

as I ought to

I thought you

were telling the truth

like I do

but no.

You didn’t connect the dots

you never thought your false ideas

would take over my thoughts

until I researched them

I unearthed them

for what they really were

what they really are.

Sad.

So sad, to me

how you robbed me of my opinion of you just from a few untrue words you spewed

but you did.

I wish it weren’t true

Though at the same time

I’ve been praying for the right view of you

and this is it

I think I’ve just now encountered the truth

better late than never

better now than later

it’s not too late to turn around before really getting attached

really getting entwined

becoming of one mind

not with you.

You’re confused.

Half of the things you say are the first thoughts that enter your mind

and it’s usually entertaining to me.

It makes me laugh and smile so I haven’t cared to change anything.

Lots of time, we’ve spent

Talking about this and that

Talking about absolutely nothing

Mostly I was listening to you talk

75-25% ratio I would say

Maybe my view is incorrect because I, too, love having an audience.

No offense. That one’s on me.

Another thought I’ve known

Another thought that’s grown in the back of my mind, and sometimes at the front

but I push it back because I enjoy the attention

You’ve fed me too much bull and it’s time for an intervention.

Game’s over.

Time’s up.

I call your idiotic, not-thought-through bluff.

I can say that too, because it takes one to know one.

I know too well what it’s like to spit BS.

I think it’s time to put this relationship to rest.

But not totally. I don’t want you gone.

I just don’t want to draw close to you emotionally anymore.

We can’t talk as much.

We can’t talk about as much.

I don’t want to talk about as much.

I don’t want to talk as much.

I had reasons before now

but now I have a good reason.

They were all good reasons, actually. Now that I think about it.

Now that I really. Stop. to think about it.

I haven’t ceased for long enough. A week. Next time, I need a week.

I didn’t REALLY pray about this.

I didn’t REALLY fast about this.

I didn’t REALLY trust God in this. With this.

Or maybe I did. I just did. That’s what I did. I acted.

To “do”.

So I did. I went with the flow.

I took the steps.

And now I’m stopped up.

We’ve ceased.

Because of the knowledge that I now have.

Maybe it’s not even that big of a deal.

I know you’re surely going to play it off like it’s nothing.

Except the blatant lie part.

That part you can’t deny.

But the rest of it?

This is what you’ll say:

“It’s no big deal.”

Well it is to me.

And I ain’t about to get wrapped up in allah-dat!

No gracias.

Adios muchacho!

Can I get a margarita someone?!

Oh wait, I’m not drinking alcohol currently.

Well, around friends I can. Just for personal growth reasons. Not because I have a problem with alcohol.

I don’t drink often, maybe a glass of wine here or a beer there, but occasionally I make a conscious choice to lay off completely for a couple months, just to feel clean and together and clear-headed.

Clear-headed. Clarity.

Yeah. I need some clarity alright.

I want to see clearly.

Clear.

Like when you look at a lake and can see all the way to the bottom. And the rocks are glittering in the sunlight. And you pick one up and it’s jagged but beautiful. It could be painful if you stepped on it at a certain angle, but it would also make a really nice necklace. I even see the exact place where I could string a chain through.

Clarity.

I’ve known this for a while now, but now I have ceased. The whole world has ceased. And I am thankful. Praise God.

Thank you Lord.

Thank you Jesus.

Thank you.

xxx

V

Life is too short

To not do what doesn’t bring you joy!!!!!!

Please find a job that fills you up!

Please don’t say “yes” to everything

Please don’t settle

Please bail out of something if you know that it isn’t right for you, or if it isn’t right for you right now.

Nobody is making you stay.

Nobody except you.

I don’t know about you but I’m done getting in my own way.

It’s time to act.

action: a thing done

Actions are things that we do.

I have a running to-do list in my mind and on my heart that always has boxes that I haven’t checked off yet. I think it’s time to address those boxes.

Boxes, look out. I’ma check you.

I can’t wait to make the satisfying check mark in each box. And then go over it a second time to embolden it.

I can’t wait to plant lots of seeds, and then water them.

I can’t wait to water them again, and again.

And watch little buds pop up through the soil.

I can’t wait for the plants to grow up and start producing fruit, and for the fruit to grow. And then for the fruit to be ready to harvest.

All because I decided to act. To complete an action.

To check off a box.

And if I don’t do it, who will? Who will check off my boxes?

Only I know the answer to that question.

Nobody will.

Because only  can. God designed these items for me specifically.

He designed items for you specifically as well. There are things that only you can do.

I’m so serious when I say these next few words:

There is no one like you.

You are unique.

You see the world in a way that nobody else sees the world.

I bet you have check boxes that are left unchecked too.

Go check one off, I dare you 😉

Let’s do this. Let’s get stuff DONE!

CHEERS TO ACTING!!!!!!!

xxx

 

What’s holding you back??

 

V

 

Shalom

Imagine yourself sitting by the water.

It’s sparkling in the sun.

A slight breeze is moving it towards lush, green banks covered in grass. 

And all around you is a sense of…

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peace

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unbrokenness

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wholeness

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rest

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at rest

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stillness

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completeness

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complete

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ease

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smile

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calm

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breathe

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sleep

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close your eyes

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goodnight <3

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a good night it is 🙂

 

Peace be to you!

xxx

V

 

Daydreaming

I used to rest in the shadows of maple trees

I used to lay in the grass and listen to the buzzing of flies and bees

I used to chew on tall pieces of grass

and collect scattered chestnuts from the tree down the road

I remember passing your house and wondering if you had a good life. I wondered if your parents spoiled you and if they even really cared

I used to sit by the radiator in my bedroom and listen

I used to sit on my bed and sing

What days those were, where I had all the time in the world

To sit

To be

To have no schedule

To roam through the fields that connected one person’s yard to the next.

To take off my shoes and wade the stream, looking out for sharp rocks

.

..

..

.

I miss going on bike rides

I miss hiking in the mountains

I miss just being out there without a goal in my mind, except to go further than I had ever gone before

Disconnected

Quiet

It’s out there

Nature is right out my window

I hear bird songs and see lots of trees

I must find out

I must seek the quiet

It’s there

Whatever you seek, you will find.

.

..

.

I hope this day finds you fantastically well!

xxx

<3

V