Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

I thank You

Thank You






Cared for.







Made righteous




Provided for

Thank you. Thank you so much. I know that you heard me and answered. After all this time, which is like a blink to you, you answered. You gave me a reply. You protected me and guided me. You brought me to this point, to this place. You’re so full of mercy and so full of grace. All other things my mind can erase. Til there is only you. Til all I see is you, and all I know is you. I know you to be true. I know you to save. Your word is the only thing that staves off my hunger and thirst. I yearn for you and you fill me up.

I take a breath and gasp no more. I look over to my bedroom door. I’m thankful. I know I’m here because of you. I’m thankful. Thankful. Thankful. Thankful.

You have made me so free. Not carefree, because you taught me to care. But you teach me what to care about and how to care. You give me the tools and give me the wisdom and then you coach me through it. You’re so personal and present… Just what I’m looking for. Just what I always am asking for. Thank you for your attentiveness to me.

Thankful. There’s not a single place I would rather be than here with you. Father. Thank you for meeting me in this place.




The same moon.

Dear N, 

Remember when …

we both looked up at the sky from different places and saw the same moon? You were on one side of the island, and I was on another. And we saw the very same moon. 🙂 Big, bright, beautiful. It glowed in the sky and shone so brightly that if it had breath, I could feel it breathe on me.

How close I felt to you, dear one, as we considered life and love and relationships and what we deserved. It was a magical moment. So filled with joy, I didn’t know what to do with myself but sing out to you through the night sky and wonder if you could hear my voice from a faraway distance. 

Can you hear me? Do the vibrations of my voice carry through the noise and the hustle, the bustle. Did my words make it all the way to your ears, entering into your stream of consciousness, one at a time, formulating phrases and sentences that hopefully demonstrated how much you mean to me.

Can you hear me now? As I reminisce on the times we gallivanted through the picturesque streets of West Side and contemplated what it would be like to date different people and end up in different places. You were living in that mansion at the time, and I, on the island. What beautiful times. What beautiful memories; like of your little lime tree growing in the open room. Or was it a lemon tree? 

N, I think of you often and wonder what it would be like if time travel were possible; what I would have said to you, or not have said. The time I pretended to smoke pot with you instead of telling you that I didn’t want to do it anymore. 

I saw that same moon tonight. The same exact moon, only a little bit older. The moon doesn’t change. It’s the same one that comes every single night faithfully and can be seen from all over the world. 

Beautiful. Magical. Accessible. I wonder why God created the moon? If not to make me feel closer to you and closer to Him. Those two reasons are good enough in themselves.

Goodnight Moon. 



My Legacy

Today was a strange day.

I think because of the way it started. I woke up several times thinking that I was oversleeping and was going to miss my appointment. Do you ever have that feeling?

Each time I woke up and realized I still had ~3 hours, then ~2 hours then ~30 minutes I was both relieved and annoyed at the same time.

Sometimes I can’t calm the adrenaline. I can’t calm the feeling of anxiousness. Alertness. “On”ness.

Sometimes it feels like a high speed chase. Sometimes it feels like a race.

Sometimes I wish I could slow down my pace, which is funny cuz that’s exactly what GOD said

Listen to me child, or you’ll end up in bed

Don’t run so hard, don’t play so hard, you don’t have to do all the things

But did I stop and listen to GOD? If I had, I wouldn’t be writing.

He said “don’t go, not today, listen to your pain. That stiffness you feel is because your body’s not trained.

Sit down, relax, go later or tomorrow. Heed my advice, daugher, have some coffee and fodder” (lol I love slippin’ the word “fodder” in when I can 😂) … (even tho I’m not a cow. DON’T YOU DARE COMMENT!!) … (jk)






God is always looking out for us. He wants to help us take care of our temples well.

He put this on my heart tonight: what I want people to remember about me after I die. So I made a list, which looks kinda like dis:


stood up for Jesus.

walked the talk. Did what she said she would do, and wasn’t a hypocrite.

was quick to confess when she did wrong, and ask for forgiveness.

was quick to forgive others when they wronged her.

stood up for justice.

gave God all the glory in whatever she did.

acknowledged that it was all God’s grace… that she lived, walked, and had her being.

feared only God.

lived to please God.

shamelessly shared about her faith and testimony.

took care of her temple.

followed God and didn’t run ahead of Him!!

considered others as better than herself.

worked hard with her hands to provide for herself (and her family).

never doubted, for a moment, that God would give her all that she needed.

leaned on Him completely for direction.

spoke often of her privilege to walk with Him.

filled her head with things that were lovely, pure, excellent.

filled her head with things that were praise-worthy, and true.

filled her head with things that were just and honorable.

took every thought captive and made it obedient to Christ.






This is what I want my legacy to be.

Lord… thank you for making me more like You and less like me every day. As I fill my mind with Your Word, I dwell on it. I choose to dwell on what’s True. You tell us that all Your Word is True. Thank you for granting me eyes to see the Truth. Lord, thank you for dwelling and dining with me. I would be utterly lost and hopeless if not for the riches of your grace… you have made me rich. Free, rich, righteous. What more could I ask for? Only to help me stay my eyes on you. 




One bite of mango


You taste so sweet

I tasted you this morning

During breakfast

One bite of mango, and there you appeared

I remember how you felt each morning

The dew on the grass

The steam rising from the warm sun

The cows grazed in the field outside

The mangoes hung from the trees outside my window

The papayas littered the ground

I picked one up

It was ready to eat

The fruit of the ground, the fruit of the earth

Reminds me of a time when I was searching

I placed my hope in people

I lived to be liked

and was crippled when I wasn’t

Do you remember, Nicaragua?

How they used to laugh at my jokes

How I would say anything?

I pause to take a warm sip of coffee. My mouth is cold from the frozen mango and blueberries I just finished eating. The dichotomy resembles how I was then to how I am now: cold to hot.

It was all about me then. What I could get for me, at whatever expense. We were all so entitled. So entitled.

One bite of mango. All these thoughts rise up from one bite of mango.

The sense of taste has an amazing memory.

Today is another day

I hope it’s one to remember.








I don’t always filter everything through so fine a sieve

as I ought to

I thought you

were telling the truth

like I do

but no.

You didn’t connect the dots

you never thought your false ideas

would take over my thoughts

until I researched them

I unearthed them

for what they really were

what they really are.


So sad, to me

how you robbed me of my opinion of you just from a few untrue words you spewed

but you did.

I wish it weren’t true

Though at the same time

I’ve been praying for the right view of you

and this is it

I think I’ve just now encountered the truth

better late than never

better now than later

it’s not too late to turn around before really getting attached

really getting entwined

becoming of one mind

not with you.

You’re confused.

Half of the things you say are the first thoughts that enter your mind

and it’s usually entertaining to me.

It makes me laugh and smile so I haven’t cared to change anything.

Lots of time, we’ve spent

Talking about this and that

Talking about absolutely nothing

Mostly I was listening to you talk

75-25% ratio I would say

Maybe my view is incorrect because I, too, love having an audience.

No offense. That one’s on me.

Another thought I’ve known

Another thought that’s grown in the back of my mind, and sometimes at the front

but I push it back because I enjoy the attention

You’ve fed me too much bull and it’s time for an intervention.

Game’s over.

Time’s up.

I call your idiotic, not-thought-through bluff.

I can say that too, because it takes one to know one.

I know too well what it’s like to spit BS.

I think it’s time to put this relationship to rest.

But not totally. I don’t want you gone.

I just don’t want to draw close to you emotionally anymore.

We can’t talk as much.

We can’t talk about as much.

I don’t want to talk about as much.

I don’t want to talk as much.

I had reasons before now

but now I have a good reason.

They were all good reasons, actually. Now that I think about it.

Now that I really. Stop. to think about it.

I haven’t ceased for long enough. A week. Next time, I need a week.

I didn’t REALLY pray about this.

I didn’t REALLY fast about this.

I didn’t REALLY trust God in this. With this.

Or maybe I did. I just did. That’s what I did. I acted.

To “do”.

So I did. I went with the flow.

I took the steps.

And now I’m stopped up.

We’ve ceased.

Because of the knowledge that I now have.

Maybe it’s not even that big of a deal.

I know you’re surely going to play it off like it’s nothing.

Except the blatant lie part.

That part you can’t deny.

But the rest of it?

This is what you’ll say:

“It’s no big deal.”

Well it is to me.

And I ain’t about to get wrapped up in allah-dat!

No gracias.

Adios muchacho!

Can I get a margarita someone?!

Oh wait, I’m not drinking alcohol currently.

Well, around friends I can. Just for personal growth reasons. Not because I have a problem with alcohol.

I don’t drink often, maybe a glass of wine here or a beer there, but occasionally I make a conscious choice to lay off completely for a couple months, just to feel clean and together and clear-headed.

Clear-headed. Clarity.

Yeah. I need some clarity alright.

I want to see clearly.


Like when you look at a lake and can see all the way to the bottom. And the rocks are glittering in the sunlight. And you pick one up and it’s jagged but beautiful. It could be painful if you stepped on it at a certain angle, but it would also make a really nice necklace. I even see the exact place where I could string a chain through.


I’ve known this for a while now, but now I have ceased. The whole world has ceased. And I am thankful. Praise God.

Thank you Lord.

Thank you Jesus.

Thank you.




Imagine yourself sitting by the water.

It’s sparkling in the sun.

A slight breeze is moving it towards lush, green banks covered in grass. 

And all around you is a sense of…






























at rest






















































close your eyes






goodnight <3






a good night it is 🙂


Peace be to you!




The most unlikely folks


You use the most unlikely folks

It’s hilarious to me

I write them off in my mind

First thought, “Nahhhhh

They are the ones that perform

They are the ones that come forth

They are the ones that stand firm

They are the ones

I’m learning to trust You!

I’m learning to lift up each of these, the least of these, up to You

Thank you for giving me clarity and showing me Your ways

Your high, high ways

Not highways

Though if your ways were a highway it would have endless lanes and there would be no accidents. There would be loops and underpasses and overpasses and bridges. There would be no speed limit, but many would drive very, very, very slow. They wouldn’t be an inconvenience though, because they have their own lane. Maybe that’s what the highway of Your mind is like, Oh God. A lane for each of your children on a humongous highway. With 7 billion lanes. Or is it 9? 7.53 billion according to Google.

I think that’s more accurate. But maybe not. This is me thinking out loud here. I know You definitely have me waiting behind others a lot. And also looking back to make sure others are still following me. You also have people very close to me in my car. Sometimes for a month or six or a year or two.

I won’t try to construct the highway of Your mind anymore. Though I do know this: every speck of every inch of every mile on Your highway is intentionally the way it is; per Your design. It has purpose. It gives life to us. I think of tiny organisms growing and being shaped and stretched and challenged in their own little life.

Your purpose in the details is often despised. Only later do you graciously pull back the curtain of Your purpose.

Thank you Father for giving me purpose. 

This call to action in my life has been SO exciting.

The momentum building has been SO motivating.

And I want to help other people.

I want to change their lives.

I want others to catch the vision I’ve caught.

Purpose. I have purpose. A greater purpose.

He has prepared me for this. He always does.

Have you found your purpose?




dear future husband

you mean the world to me. Second to Jesus, of course

I can’t wait to meet you. Or maybe I already have and just don’t know it yet

I’ve been praying for you. That God would continue to make you into the man He created you to be.

A leader








after His own heart

after all, marriage was God’s idea. He thought it up. And what He brings together, no man can separate.

I look forward to learning the intricacies of your mind and how to make you laugh. A lot of my jokes are going to be really bad, just warning you. I wonder if you’ll be a great audience or if you’ll cringe more often than not.

I wonder how you’ll challenge me and how I’ll deal with it. Forgive me in advance for not realizing when I’m upset. For being quiet and withdrawn. Thank you for pursuing me anyway. Thank you for not pushing me and driving me to be someone I’m not ready to be. Thank you for loving me as I grow and am able to take on more.

It’s going to be hard, my future man. But with God’s grace, we’ll be able to conquer anything put before us. By waiting on Him. Calling on Him. Trusting in Him.

I don’t expect you to be flawless. Your flaws and my flaws will complement each other so I can support you when you’re feeling weak. and vice versa. We’ll learn to accept help from each other eventually. I know I can’t even see half the things that I need help in. It will be humbling.

Dear future husband… I look forward to the places we’ll go. The sights we’ll see. The cuisines we’ll try. The music we’ll enjoy. The comfort and security I’ll feel …. what joy will this be that I’ll have someone that loves me regardless of how I’m feeling that day or how well I’m performing.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in love. But none of those were forever loves. With you, it will be forever. I’m so excited for God to reveal who you are to me. What you look like and what ethnicity you are. What color eyes you have. I hope you sing. I hope you dance.

Lord knows what I need, and you are going to be perfect for me.

In the meantime, I keep my eyes on the Lord. I listen for His voice. I wait for His leading and always rejoice. Rejoice, again I  say rejoice! For this is the day that the Lord has made. I am glad to be alive today.

Dear future husband, I pray for you on this day. Wherever you are. That you are having a blessed morning and enjoying the sun. Maybe you’re thinking of me, too. Thinking of the day we’ll meet. The day we are married. And the days to follow.

Lord God, thank you for your sweet promises. Thank you for comfort and peace, and being able to trust you. Thank you God, that we can trust you. You are not manipulative, deceitful, vindictive, selfish, dark or evil. You want the best for us, and you alone know and have the best for us. Thank you that your plans are unstoppable. You alone are worthy of praise! Amen.




vaguely attending a funeral

I’ve been trying to attend a funeral for three days now.

Haven’t gotten around to it yet.

So far I’ve managed to conjure up the thought… contemplate what the service will be like… pick out my outfit.

The location hasn’t been established though. Nor has the length of the service.

The music is yet to be determined… I haven’t gotten any flowers, and am not sure if I will.

I mentioned the funeral to a couple of close friends over the last couple of days and they assured me that I was being too hard on myself.

You don’t need to beat yourself up over this.”

I’m not trying to.

It’s not sad.”

Sure seems sad.

When I choose to think about what went down anyway.

A disappointment I guess. One among many. Why did I choose to break down over this one? Sleep deprivation definitely had something to do with it.

Spare me. Spared you.

Sparingly was the goodbye gesture we shared

Sparingly could describe the time we spent together when we look back at it later on.


I’ve never liked the word “we”

I guess because it’s risky… to categorize yourself with another person and hope they don’t mind. Hope they don’t cringe and shudder. Hope they aren’t offended that one is speaking on their behalf. On both behalfs. Are two behalfs a be-whole?

Better than an a-hole

Haha I’m sorry. It’s rude to be crude

and I’m starting to exude a deluded attitude

about the WHOLE thing

that’s what happens when you dwell

when you sit and spin and think

every which direction things could’ve gone in a blink

it was a tiny, living thing that you and I were carrying

and then we both laid it to rest

there’s that “we” again, but it’s best

I guess

though I know and I realize that it was this tongue and these eyes

that spoke the words and saw you hear

the reality of what can’t be and shouldn’t be

according to the Powers that be

my God called me to a holy life

a set apart life

sometimes seems a lonely life

but He’s shown me that when I withhold my desires

He pulls out the bellows and throws kindling on the fire

He huffs and he puffs and he stokes all the coals

of my dreams

of my desires

of my needs

of my goals

“Don’t trade it” He reminds me

“I’ve made something for ya”

He walks towards the kiln and He pulls out a box

a hand-crafted, fire glazed one-of-a-kind box

and inside it is treasure that only I can see

that only matters to me

He knew what they’d mean to me

He always knows……. don’t you see?

I wish I did, wish I could see

though the more I run to Him, the more He reveals to me


So this funeral service though.

I never actually had it

He doesn’t want me to have it because I have no reason to be sad

a seed has died

and now it is able to grow

it fell to the ground

after being suspended in mid-air

and now it’s buried underneath the soil

and putting down new roots

I looked for your name. That was it. And I finally saw it. I saw it and I was glad. I pray that you are putting down new roots. I know I am. God doesn’t want me to settle. If it were up to me, I would have though. My mind told me that it wouldn’t be settling. God told me trust Him. Trust Him with my whole heart. Not 50% of it. Not 90% of it. 100. 100% of my heart is required of me. Lord teach me to give it to you…. all of it. To entrust it to YOUR garden. Your growing plans. Your seasons. Your fruit. You will yield my fruit in season. Amen. 






Writing this list will help me develop a grateful attitude for the day!

last night’s sleep

my comfortable bed

best pillow ever

attached bathroom to my room

hot water

great water pressure

fluffy towels


coffee mug


fuzzy fleece blankets

sunshine <3

my job


the Word of God



trust in the Lord


quiet time

free time



working car

bank account




hope for the future














Holy Spirit






“I am confident that the work the Lord has begun in me will be perfected until the day of Christ Jesus” Philippians 1:6








cell phone

adventures to come



I’m going to go read my bible now. And drink my cawfee. And water. And then work 9-6. And then work 730-10. And if I’m crazy, I will go dancing after.

Lord, please lead me today. I am your hands and your feet; your light, your agent. I want to do your work and obey your will. Help me to trust you, lead on your understanding, and think before I speak. Help me not act or speak in haste, but only be quick to trust Your Word and the leading of Your Holy Spirit. Thank you for creating me, loving me, blessing me immensely, taking care of me, not leaving me to fend for myself, comforting me, providing for me, protecting me, enabling me, and growing and changing me day by day. <3