I’ve been trying to attend a funeral for three days now.
Haven’t gotten around to it yet.
So far I’ve managed to conjure up the thought… contemplate what the service will be like… pick out my outfit.
The location hasn’t been established though. Nor has the length of the service.
The music is yet to be determined… I haven’t gotten any flowers, and am not sure if I will.
I mentioned the funeral to a couple of close friends over the last couple of days and they assured me that I was being too hard on myself.
“You don’t need to beat yourself up over this.”
I’m not trying to.
“It’s not sad.”
Sure seems sad.
When I choose to think about what went down anyway.
A disappointment I guess. One among many. Why did I choose to break down over this one? Sleep deprivation definitely had something to do with it.
Spare me. Spared you.
Sparingly was the goodbye gesture we shared
Sparingly could describe the time we spent together when we look back at it later on.
I’ve never liked the word “we”
I guess because it’s risky… to categorize yourself with another person and hope they don’t mind. Hope they don’t cringe and shudder. Hope they aren’t offended that one is speaking on their behalf. On both behalfs. Are two behalfs a be-whole?
Better than an a-hole
Haha I’m sorry. It’s rude to be crude
and I’m starting to exude a deluded attitude
about the WHOLE thing
that’s what happens when you dwell
when you sit and spin and think
every which direction things could’ve gone in a blink
it was a tiny, living thing that you and I were carrying
and then we both laid it to rest
there’s that “we” again, but it’s best
though I know and I realize that it was this tongue and these eyes
that spoke the words and saw you hear
the reality of what can’t be and shouldn’t be
according to the Powers that be
my God called me to a holy life
a set apart life
sometimes seems a lonely life
but He’s shown me that when I withhold my desires
He pulls out the bellows and throws kindling on the fire
He huffs and he puffs and he stokes all the coals
of my dreams
of my desires
of my needs
of my goals
“Don’t trade it” He reminds me
“I’ve made something for ya”
He walks towards the kiln and He pulls out a box
a hand-crafted, fire glazed one-of-a-kind box
and inside it is treasure that only I can see
that only matters to me
He knew what they’d mean to me
He always knows……. don’t you see?
I wish I did, wish I could see
though the more I run to Him, the more He reveals to me
So this funeral service though.
I never actually had it
He doesn’t want me to have it because I have no reason to be sad
a seed has died
and now it is able to grow
it fell to the ground
after being suspended in mid-air
and now it’s buried underneath the soil
and putting down new roots
I looked for your name. That was it. And I finally saw it. I saw it and I was glad. I pray that you are putting down new roots. I know I am. God doesn’t want me to settle. If it were up to me, I would have though. My mind told me that it wouldn’t be settling. God told me trust Him. Trust Him with my whole heart. Not 50% of it. Not 90% of it. 100. 100% of my heart is required of me. Lord teach me to give it to you…. all of it. To entrust it to YOUR garden. Your growing plans. Your seasons. Your fruit. You will yield my fruit in season. Amen.