vaguely attending a funeral

I’ve been trying to attend a funeral for three days now.

Haven’t gotten around to it yet.

So far I’ve managed to conjure up the thought… contemplate what the service will be like… pick out my outfit.

The location hasn’t been established though. Nor has the length of the service.

The music is yet to be determined… I haven’t gotten any flowers, and am not sure if I will.

I mentioned the funeral to a couple of close friends over the last couple of days and they assured me that I was being too hard on myself.

You don’t need to beat yourself up over this.”

I’m not trying to.

It’s not sad.”

Sure seems sad.

When I choose to think about what went down anyway.

A disappointment I guess. One among many. Why did I choose to break down over this one? Sleep deprivation definitely had something to do with it.

Spare me. Spared you.

Sparingly was the goodbye gesture we shared

Sparingly could describe the time we spent together when we look back at it later on.


I’ve never liked the word “we”

I guess because it’s risky… to categorize yourself with another person and hope they don’t mind. Hope they don’t cringe and shudder. Hope they aren’t offended that one is speaking on their behalf. On both behalfs. Are two behalfs a be-whole?

Better than an a-hole

Haha I’m sorry. It’s rude to be crude

and I’m starting to exude a deluded attitude

about the WHOLE thing

that’s what happens when you dwell

when you sit and spin and think

every which direction things could’ve gone in a blink

it was a tiny, living thing that you and I were carrying

and then we both laid it to rest

there’s that “we” again, but it’s best

I guess

though I know and I realize that it was this tongue and these eyes

that spoke the words and saw you hear

the reality of what can’t be and shouldn’t be

according to the Powers that be

my God called me to a holy life

a set apart life

sometimes seems a lonely life

but He’s shown me that when I withhold my desires

He pulls out the bellows and throws kindling on the fire

He huffs and he puffs and he stokes all the coals

of my dreams

of my desires

of my needs

of my goals

“Don’t trade it” He reminds me

“I’ve made something for ya”

He walks towards the kiln and He pulls out a box

a hand-crafted, fire glazed one-of-a-kind box

and inside it is treasure that only I can see

that only matters to me

He knew what they’d mean to me

He always knows……. don’t you see?

I wish I did, wish I could see

though the more I run to Him, the more He reveals to me


So this funeral service though.

I never actually had it

He doesn’t want me to have it because I have no reason to be sad

a seed has died

and now it is able to grow

it fell to the ground

after being suspended in mid-air

and now it’s buried underneath the soil

and putting down new roots

I looked for your name. That was it. And I finally saw it. I saw it and I was glad. I pray that you are putting down new roots. I know I am. God doesn’t want me to settle. If it were up to me, I would have though. My mind told me that it wouldn’t be settling. God told me trust Him. Trust Him with my whole heart. Not 50% of it. Not 90% of it. 100. 100% of my heart is required of me. Lord teach me to give it to you…. all of it. To entrust it to YOUR garden. Your growing plans. Your seasons. Your fruit. You will yield my fruit in season. Amen. 





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