too raw not to share. The real stuff is always worth reading.
I broke up with him y’all. I had to. I didn’t want to, but I had to.
The Holy Spirit led me to.
“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” John 16:13
And He told me what to do. And I had to obey. I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t snuff it. I couldn’t push it down. I knew what I had to do and what I had to say. And so I did it.
I sent the message. I said the four words that everyone hates hearing
“we need to talk”
and I know that he knew. We had a similar conversation last Sunday too. I was hoping the feelings would go away. The peace-less-ness. Lol not a word but aye.
They lingered. The lack of peace lingered.
Oh Lord Jesus. I hate break-ups. I hate hurting people. I hate brokenness. I hate heartbreak. Oh Lord it’s so sad when it doesn’t work out. I really wanted it to work. I tried to see past flaws. I tried to focus on positives. I tried to forgive him. I tried to see You in it all. But I didn’t have peace. I knew I had to break it off. I knew. And so I did. And now I’m sad.
We talked for two hours. About our relationship and how fun it was. How he learned a lot. How we could’ve done things better. How it was going to be hard to be long-distance anyway. How God has been working. And I prayed for him. I held his hand while I prayed for him and I just about cried doing it. I had to pause for about 15 seconds before I could start the prayer because I was fighting back tears.
And we made jokes…. we wished each other well. He said “I hope you find what you’re looking for”. And I said “I don’t know what I’m looking for. I think I know what I need but God shows me what I actually need”.
I have to believe that God has something better out there for the both of us. A better relationship. A better fit. Two better people, a man and a woman, for me and for him. Two people that will better meet each of our needs.
Oh Lord it’s hard. Especially when he walked me to my car and said “so I guess this is it?” and we hugged. And I cried. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. And he said “I’m going to miss you.” And I wanted to kiss him, but I knew that would’ve confused things. And I wanted to say “I should go before I kiss you” but I knew that we would’ve kissed if I said that. So I kept it to myself, and cried, and trusted you O Lord.
He asked if he could stop in on Saturday morning at my house and say a final goodbye. I said yes. I’ll be working where I live that morning, and hopefully he comes at a proper time where I can have a few minutes with him.
See I really enjoy his company. We can just be together. He’s sweet and fun and funny. He’s kind and gentle. There are many qualities that he possesses that I love.
But the peace wasn’t there. I knew it wasn’t right. Our relationship seemed superficial.
Superficial. Surface deep. Looks pretty on the outside. But I didn’t feel that connection with him. That deep connection. I need that deepness. I need those deep talks.
Oh Lord, I must go to sleep now. I feel as though I may take ill if I don’t. Thank you for watching over me, my kind shepherd. I love thee with all my heart, soul and mind.