Tag: trusting God

Suffering: I don’t know who this is for

Published on by Velvet2 Comments

I have been to the hospital more in the last 4 months than ever before in my life. During the month of November I dealt with a serious infection in my right arm probably due to a bite from a poisonous spider. I was in and out of the doctor’s as she administered different tests and had my wound packed and unpacked. The hole in my arm was 1 inch across by almost 1 inch deep. I’m lucky it didn’t hit the bone. But I will never forget when I saw the slough in my arm and realized there was a hole behind it.

However, I was completely at peace.*

December was rather uneventful health-wise. It was the calm before the storm. Until Christmas. That’s when my knee started acting up. After multiple trips to different doctors and diagnostic centers, I got an MRI and discovered the cartilage under my kneecap is thinning out. It’s called “patellar chondromalacia” and can be due to lateral tracking of the kneecap. This tracking can be caused by overuse, poor form, being a woman, genetics or high impact sports. I have been attending physical therapy for almost a month now and have another month of it before I am re-evaluated.

However, I was completely at peace.*

And just three days ago, in February 2021, I injured my shoulder. Not exactly sure how, but a combination of overuse, tweaking it from getting jerked around, followed by aggravation during exercise. I got checked out and was told it was a rotator cuff tear. A second person said it was more likely a strain. Regardless of what the actual diagnosis is, I’m experiencing sharp, shooting pain and my mobility is much less than it was four days ago. I’m having trouble finding a comfortable position to sleep in and when I turn myself at night, the pain brings forth tears. I also can’t work all this week.

The point of relaying this reality to you is not for complaining purposes, but solely to highlight the fact that I am completely at peace. And this is why.

This is the reason why I am not tripping, why I am not bugging out. Why I am not worried at all about what is to come.

It’s because I am standing upon these promises.

The promises that God tells me.

The promises that declare the following things:

I will never be alone

I will never be in lack

I’ll have a place to weep

He hears my every prayer

He is everywhere

He cares about my desires

He cares about my soul

He’s won my every battle

He’s made me ever-victorious

He is always for me

He loves me

He loves

Me

Sometimes, it’s God’s will for me to be s t i l l

So I wait in the quiet. And while my shoulder throbs and I can’t find a position quite right to avoid the pain, I simply call on His name and say the following words;

Thank you Father, thank you Friend.

Thank you Faithful, you’re with me until the end.

Thank you Jesus, God with us, Holy Spirit, you’ve revealed it to me, your peace.

The truth is, God could put a stop to this pain. Any moment. Any moment in time. Even now. Even right now, His almighty hand could touch me and put a halt on this pain in the name of Jesus.

But whether He heals me or not, I am still at peace. He is in control over every aspect of my life. It says in Psalm 139 verse 16-17:

“Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!…”

This day was ordained for me before I was even born. This pain that I am experiencing coupled with the peace that I am experiencing. I don’t know all of the reasons for the pain and I don’t know when it will all come to an end. But I do know this for sure; God is surely and truly and lovingly caring for me with the utmost quality and permitting this trial to carry on for as long as is necessary in order to complete God’s work within me and bring glory to Himself.

He has never shorted me from any blessings and in fact I am often told by others how blessed I truly am and I know it for myself too. And the reason for my blessing is this:

body of water during golden hour
Photo by Sebastian Voortman on Pexels.com

To be a blessing for other people. And I want to encourage you right now, dear brothers and sisters, that whatever trial you are in the midst of currently, God has not forgotten about you or lost sight of you. No, dear one, He is with you in the middle of the trial right now and He knows exactly what you are feeling and He will provide all that you need to endure the trial until it’s over.

That peace of mind encompasses everything from physical to financial. God holds all of those details in His hand. 😉

So Lord, I thank you for this trial. From the bottom of my heart. If only the purpose of this trial is to write this post to encourage other people that they are not alone in their trials and that you have the good of your children in mind through every bout of suffering and at every moment of every day. You are constantly working all things together for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose in Christ Jesus.

I love you Lord, and trust your purposes completely. Even and especially when I don’t see the outcome and I don’t understand the reason. You alone are good. You alone are wise. Your plans alone I trust in. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

xxx

V

fresh emotions

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

too raw not to share. The real stuff is always worth reading.

I broke up with him y’all. I had to. I didn’t want to, but I had to.

The Holy Spirit led me to.

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” John 16:13

 

And He told me what to do. And I had to obey. I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t snuff it. I couldn’t push it down. I knew what I had to do and what I had to say. And so I did it.

I sent the message. I said the four words that everyone hates hearing

“we need to talk”

and I know that he knew. We had a similar conversation last Sunday too. I was hoping the feelings would go away. The peace-less-ness. Lol not a word but aye.

They lingered. The lack of peace lingered.

Oh Lord Jesus. I hate break-ups. I hate hurting people. I hate brokenness. I hate heartbreak. Oh Lord it’s so sad when it doesn’t work out. I really wanted it to work. I tried to see past flaws. I tried to focus on positives. I tried to forgive him. I tried to see You in it all. But I didn’t have peace. I knew I had to break it off. I knew. And so I did. And now I’m sad.

Sad.

We talked for two hours. About our relationship and how fun it was. How he learned a lot. How we could’ve done things better. How it was going to be hard to be long-distance anyway. How God has been working. And I prayed for him. I held his hand while I prayed for him and I just about cried doing it. I had to pause for about 15 seconds before I could start the prayer because I was fighting back tears.

And we made jokes…. we wished each other well. He said “I hope you find what you’re looking for”. And I said “I don’t know what I’m looking for. I think I know what I need but God shows me what I actually need”.

I have to believe that God has something better out there for the both of us. A better relationship. A better fit. Two better people, a man and a woman, for me and for him. Two people that will better meet each of our needs.

Oh Lord it’s hard. Especially when he walked me to my car and said “so I guess this is it?” and we hugged. And I cried. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. And he said “I’m going to miss you.” And I wanted to kiss him, but I knew that would’ve confused things. And I wanted to say “I should go before I kiss you” but I knew that we would’ve kissed if I said that. So I kept it to myself, and cried, and trusted you O Lord. 

He asked if he could stop in on Saturday morning at my house and say a final goodbye. I said yes. I’ll be working where I live that morning, and hopefully he comes at a proper time where I can have a few minutes with him.

See I really enjoy his company. We can just be together. He’s sweet and fun and funny. He’s kind and gentle. There are many qualities that he possesses that I love.

But the peace wasn’t there. I knew it wasn’t right. Our relationship seemed superficial.

Superficial. Surface deep. Looks pretty on the outside. But I didn’t feel that connection with him. That deep connection. I need that deepness. I need those deep talks.

Oh Lord, I must go to sleep now. I feel as though I may take ill if I don’t. Thank you for watching over me, my kind shepherd. I love thee with all my heart, soul and mind. 

xxx

<3

V