Tag: break up

the union of marriage

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

I am grieving the loss of a relationship. One that I really wanted to work out. And now I’m sad.

Sad that he didn’t make me feel like the only one.

Disappointed that I hoped so much that that would change.

Sad that I won’t be hearing from him regularly anymore.

Disappointed that I didn’t stop it before it got to this point.

Sad that my own disobedience is what got me here.

Sad that I’ve dated so many people in the past that I have expectations of what I’m looking for in a man and how I want to be treated. Ignorance is bliss, but I’m not ignorant to this.

But on the same hand, he isn’t ready. He never was ready to commit to one person. One woman. One wife. He wasn’t ready to become one with another person.

That’s what marriage is all about. Becoming one. The union of marriage is two people coming together and choosing one another over everyone else. Marrying one person is saying I will love you and serve you and choose you everyday for the rest of my life.

It’s not being enticed by other people. It’s recognizing that every person is made in the image of God and has ups and downs, pros and cons, flaws. Every person has a beautiful soul and mind given to them by God.

Choosing to love just one person means wanting to know them from the inside out. It’s getting to know their heart. It’s focusing on only them. It’s not putting your eggs in several different baskets in case it doesn’t work out. It’s putting your heart on the line and trusting and believing that the person you’re giving your heart to will love you back.

Lord Jesus, I am so sorry and sad that I disobeyed you and tried to make my own way with this individual. You didn’t want me to go that day because you knew he wasn’t right for me. I injected myself into his life and tried to change him and save him and make him fit for me and it didn’t work. And now I am so, so sad. Your Holy Spirit is a rescuer. You rescued me and challenged me to obey you this weekend. And so last night I did. I broke it off with him. It was time. Oh Lord. Thank you for rescuing me. For caring for me. For showing me the way in which I should go.

Lord I pray for clarity. I ask you to give me clarity in Jesus’ name. To help me see you in this situation. Reveal anything to me that I need to work on, confess for, repent of, and work towards. I am your vessel and recognize that I am not my own. Help me to serve you better and seek Your kingdom and Your righteousness first and foremost. 

Amen.

xxx

<3

V

fresh emotions

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

too raw not to share. The real stuff is always worth reading.

I broke up with him y’all. I had to. I didn’t want to, but I had to.

The Holy Spirit led me to.

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” John 16:13

 

And He told me what to do. And I had to obey. I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t snuff it. I couldn’t push it down. I knew what I had to do and what I had to say. And so I did it.

I sent the message. I said the four words that everyone hates hearing

“we need to talk”

and I know that he knew. We had a similar conversation last Sunday too. I was hoping the feelings would go away. The peace-less-ness. Lol not a word but aye.

They lingered. The lack of peace lingered.

Oh Lord Jesus. I hate break-ups. I hate hurting people. I hate brokenness. I hate heartbreak. Oh Lord it’s so sad when it doesn’t work out. I really wanted it to work. I tried to see past flaws. I tried to focus on positives. I tried to forgive him. I tried to see You in it all. But I didn’t have peace. I knew I had to break it off. I knew. And so I did. And now I’m sad.

Sad.

We talked for two hours. About our relationship and how fun it was. How he learned a lot. How we could’ve done things better. How it was going to be hard to be long-distance anyway. How God has been working. And I prayed for him. I held his hand while I prayed for him and I just about cried doing it. I had to pause for about 15 seconds before I could start the prayer because I was fighting back tears.

And we made jokes…. we wished each other well. He said “I hope you find what you’re looking for”. And I said “I don’t know what I’m looking for. I think I know what I need but God shows me what I actually need”.

I have to believe that God has something better out there for the both of us. A better relationship. A better fit. Two better people, a man and a woman, for me and for him. Two people that will better meet each of our needs.

Oh Lord it’s hard. Especially when he walked me to my car and said “so I guess this is it?” and we hugged. And I cried. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. And he said “I’m going to miss you.” And I wanted to kiss him, but I knew that would’ve confused things. And I wanted to say “I should go before I kiss you” but I knew that we would’ve kissed if I said that. So I kept it to myself, and cried, and trusted you O Lord. 

He asked if he could stop in on Saturday morning at my house and say a final goodbye. I said yes. I’ll be working where I live that morning, and hopefully he comes at a proper time where I can have a few minutes with him.

See I really enjoy his company. We can just be together. He’s sweet and fun and funny. He’s kind and gentle. There are many qualities that he possesses that I love.

But the peace wasn’t there. I knew it wasn’t right. Our relationship seemed superficial.

Superficial. Surface deep. Looks pretty on the outside. But I didn’t feel that connection with him. That deep connection. I need that deepness. I need those deep talks.

Oh Lord, I must go to sleep now. I feel as though I may take ill if I don’t. Thank you for watching over me, my kind shepherd. I love thee with all my heart, soul and mind. 

xxx

<3

V

I get it

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, so I didn’t say anything. And now I’m thinking that may have been worse than if I did say something.

I let actions speak for the words that I couldn’t formulate and I realize it’s soon. I wish it weren’t so that things get harder as we get older.

That alternate world you spoke about, I am wondering if it actually exists somewhere. And if it does, I’m sure lots of good is happening there.

I’m sorry that I didn’t have the courage or the boldness. The know-how. The truth is that I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I didn’t want you to overthink it. I didn’t want to ruin your night or prevent you from coming out. These are my own thoughts that I projected onto you of course. And it may have hurt even more to have handled it the way that I did.

If that’s the case, I hope you will forgive me. I didn’t aspire to be in this position. It’s all come on very fast and I’ve been taken by surprise. Life can happen so so fast and even if we think we are prepared for anything, things still take us by surprise.

I’m surprised. Nothing is certain, but I am surprised.

And sorry. I am sorry. And I understand. I hope you will too…

xxx

V