I wonder if you actually expected me yesterday or if you were just …
Actually, no. I don’t think you were. I trust that you wanted me around. But maybe you didn’t think it through.
Because after I had arrived… you didn’t seem to notice whether I was there or not.
I’m not good at those sorts of things, you know.
Walking into situations where I’m not totally comfortable or not totally secure by myself.
Going with the flow. I want someone to paint me a picture of the flow. I would like a hand-painted copy of the flow-chart of whatever situation I’m entering into so that I know exactly what I need to do or say with every happenstance. I want to be prepared and equipped. I want to feel safe and secure.
There’s so much newness here. So much newness.
Not much of a foundation.
The flow has been going but seemingly in 1,000 different directions. It’s like a fire hydrant that’s erupting water every which way. I feel like a loner with a bucket who’s contemplating collecting some of the water but it seems easier to stand a ways away and not make a move.
What are we doing anyways?
You are like an ant building a kingdom; picking up piece after piece of dirt and carrying it from one place to the next to construct the work of art that you painted in your head. I’m wondering if I have a place there. I’m wondering if I should partake in that. You’ve invited me in, yes. But do I want to come in?
“He’ll be busy, you know” a friend told me. A wise friend who’s been around the track a few times.
It’s funny (I guess) how relationships bring out all sorts of insecurities. Vulnerabilities. Weaknesses. Issues you may not have known you had. They all float up to the surface. Though I know without a SHADOW OF A DOUBT that timing is everything.
I wish I didn’t have a clock right now. I’m glad I don’t have one of the ones that tick every second. I feel as though I already hear a ticking clock in the background of my mind.
60. That makes up one minute. I admit, I didn’t type all of those out. I typed out the first 12 and then copied and pasted the last 48. Hahha
A lot can happen in 60 seconds.
An uncomfortable conversation that makes or breaks a relationship.
Many people talk about “split-second decisions”. I’m not good at those. I’m cautious. I think I’m the steady one. I’m the overthinker. I’m the one that contemplates things from all angles. I’m the one who researches products for months before purchasing them.
Meanwhile, you’re over here living in the moment. Living by the moment.
I want to do this too but I’m scared. Good thing is…
DRUM ROLL PLEASE
I’m not alone.
I trust God.
I trust His leading.
I trust His guiding.
I trust His outline.
I trust His Word.
I trust His timing.
I trust His will.
I trust His ways.
I trust His thoughts.
I trust Him.
I know God’s got me. He’s my anchor. My rock. My solid ground. My sword. My shield.
Nothing formed against me shall stand. No weapon.
So as I sit. As I wait. As I idly anticipate.
As my mind races, whatever I face
I’m warm in His embrace.
His Spirit leaves no trace
of doubt, of fear; it disappears
I’m complete. I’m full. I’m whole. I’m here.
He’s near. I’m free. I’m exactly who He created me to be.
She says adamantly. While contemplating the hypothetical relationship she invented in her head.
She takes another bite of her perfectly-ripe pear and chews slowly with slightly widened eyes.
I wonder if he added me yet. Or if he saw my message. Oh dear, I hope he accepted me! Why wouldn’t he accept me? Is it because I gave him the cold shoulder last night? Why am I so weird to people when I have a crush on them?
She got up and walked over to the mirror, looking at her own reflection. She saw her freckles and long, brown hair and bright blue eyes and smiled at herself. One of those school-picture smiles with no real emotion in it that one would give the photographer when he says “cheese!”. Essentially bearing ones’ teeth. Awkward.
Or maybe he hasn’t seen it yet. Maybe he’s one of those people that checks their social media once a day. Or once a week. Hmm. Even if he doesn’t accept my request, which he will, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. But then there’s the message I sent…
All of the sudden she realized what she was doing. Living in the hypotheticals was something she promised herself she would stop doing. Living in fear or possible rejection was something she had declared she was “done” with. She had decided to live her life.
And right at that moment…
When she let go of the need to hear from this person…
Just found this draft from 3 years ago. Good stuff. Enjoy!
I used to think about dating like something that everybody did for fun. Dating for a couple months here and there to hang out with somebody, kiss and hug them, share your life with them. I had my first “boyfriend” in eighth grade. His name was Zach and he was two inches shorter than me. We sat together on the bus on the way to field trips and he took me to the eighth grade semi-formal dance. We met up at an ice-cream social one time and played freeze-tag with some people. His parents picked me up on July 3rd, 2006 to take me to see some fireworks in the next town over. On the way home I kissed him on the lips. I was thirteen. It was not a kiss to write home about. I broke up with him two weeks later because he hadn’t called and didn’t have a cell phone to text me on.
I dated my second boyfriend two years later. His name was Andrew and he played the guitar. I broke up with him after one month because I met someone else who I shook hands with and left me with an electric feeling.
It was my first “real” relationship, classified as such both by the length of time we were “together”, two and a half years, and the fact that we were in love <3 <3 <3
I broke up with him two weeks after we both started at the same college. I was seventeen turning eighteen several weeks later.
Y me pregunto, cual es el punto?! </3And I ask myself, what’s the point?
As a kingdom-builder, I can no longer justify dating to myself. Dating, without the intention of marriage, is like having a monthly payment for an apartment. It’s sending your money up in smoke without investing in a long-term home that you can profit off of and build upon.
Dating is pouring time and energy into a relationship that doesn’t promise long-lasting results. “We’ll see how things go” is the attitude that most people have. Play it by ear. Take things one day at a time.
Modern dating can be defined as having a relationship with someone that resembles marriage but doesn’t require commitment. Boyfriends and girlfriends often share their families, bodies, money, time, friendships and other aspects of their lives with each other. But they do such things on absolutely no time-line, with no purposeful direction, and with no promised intent of marriage.
As a kingdom-builder, I’ma have to call out dating as NON-PROFITABLE.
God created sex, love and marriage for us, as His children, to enjoy. But it’s allllllll about the timing. There’s a time-line for each of our lives with perfect places for these beautiful creations…. Sex, love and marriage will serve us the best, and allow us to thrive within these roles if we engage in them at the right time.
There’s nothing worse than bad timing.
Did I need to have a boyfriend at age 13?
This isn’t about making anyone feel bad who is dating without the intent of marriage. This is me, a 24 (almost 26 now!)(almost 27 now actually 😀 ) year old woman, sharing with y’all my life and the choices I would’ve made if I knew better.
If you are in a relationship, ask yourself and your s/o these questions:
Is our time and energy with each other going up in smoke or are we investing in building a life-long kingdom together
Are we ready to be in a relationship together or should we wait until a more appropriate time
Are we becoming better or worse versions of ourselves with this relationship
What about our relationship helps us grow emotionally and spiritually
What do we have to show for the kingdom of our relationship so far
What foundation are we building our kingdom on
Are we on the same page about where this relationship is going
Do we have a direction that the relationship is moving in
What determines how serious our relationship is; sex or commitment to be married
If you aren’t in a relationship, consider this:
When it comes to love and comes to dating
the true magic lies in the waiting
Why practice short term relationships?
when things in life that mean the most to us
are built o v e r t i m e
on solid foundations.
Set your standards high, beautiful people. You are worth the wait!
Haste makes waste. I’m always saying this stinkin’ phrase. But then I want everything to happen within a certain time frame.
I do it to myself. HURRY UP HURRY UP
Oh God, why is this way in me?
I guess I’m conditioned to think that if at first you don’t express yourself the way that makes me feel loved, I fear you never will. But love grows
and we learn to love people properly.
“I’m just not a loving person” someone says.
We learn to love.
Not everyone feels loved the same way, so we must learn to love them the way they need to be loved.
Just like I shouldn’t expect someone to tell me the words that I want to hear. I want to hear that I was missed. I want to hear that it was you that missed me. I want you to be bold enough to say it.
But maybe you aren’t ready. And I can’t force you to say it. I don’t WANT to force you to say it. I just can’t help comparing you to others in the past. The way they said exactly the right words. The way they loved and made me feel special. The way they knew how to love.
I am missing it. That’s why we aren’t supposed to awaken love until its’ proper time. But I thought those more recent times were the appropriate times to
I found this in my drafts. I read someone else’s blog post about a draft they found, so I thought I’d share this one. Cheers! <3 xoxo V
is what he called the bunch of beautiful flowers that arrived on my doorstep yesterday afternoon
“Young love” were the only two words that came to his mouth when he saw the clear ovular glass vase overflowing with roses, irises, another tiny purple flower and greenery
The implications behind these two words are many. Perhaps these are a few
Hope. Is that what I’m holding onto?
Maybe. Possibly. Is that so wrong?
I don’t think so. Real love is never wrong. Legitimate selfless, unconditional love.
But that’s the problem here. The love is young.
In fact, it’s SO young that it’s under condition.
No vows or proposals have been made.
In fact, the relationship is under construction. The site is closed off. There’s currently nothing really to see, and nothing to show. Walls are being knocked down. The floor has been ripped up. The doors are hanging off their hinges. The electricity is still hooked up but no appliances are on. Except one small light.
A small light is on and yesterday it grew brighter. Before yesterday it was a flickering bulb, but today the light is brighter. It’s not flickering anymore, and it’s revealing some of the work that’s being done on the site of the relationship.
Progress has been made. There’s still a lot of work to do, but progress has been made.
The site is your heart and the light is my hope.
Though I realize that storms are unpredictable in this life. A storm could blow through at any time and take literally everything. All the work that has been accomplished could be destroyed. It could all be taken in an hour.
So I offer this young love up to God. And I ask Him:
Lord, I trust in You completely. I trust in your sovereign plan. Thank you for looking out for me. Thank you for giving me good gifts. Thank you that all good gifts come from you, because you are good. You turn my darkness into light. You reveal what I need to work on. You make me better. So now I ask you Lord, to guide my steps. I ask you to reveal to me the words I should say, the steps I should take, the choices I should make. Show me where I ought to spend my time; where I should invest my heart and emotions. Thank you Lord for working all things together for good for those who love you. I love you and am ever grateful for your mercy. Thank you for always working… and never tiring… thank you for your long suffering over my faults. Thank you for your grace and desire to communion with me. Thank you for teaching me how to love with a love that doesn’t fail or give up when things are hard. Thank you for not writing me off <3
I’m not sure what all I’m going to write about in this post.
Perhaps loneliness. It seems that as I dwell on the fact that I’m now single I get sad. But when then I remember the why part of my single state and then am quite humbled and the sadness quickly dissipates.
See, this guy and I were never meant to be more than buds. Buddies. Pals.
Ha ha yoooo
I used to watch South Park back in high school when I was a stoner and smoked lots of pot. Those days are far behind me, praise God. BUT this episode always cracked me up.
I was just about to type something along the lines of: “when you meet your future husband/wife, it’ll be like magnetism. You just won’t be able to get enough of that person”. But no, that’s definitely not always true. A friend of a friend didn’t like the man she ended up marrying a year and a half (or something like that) years later.
Love is unpredictable.
I was hopeful with this one. I am hopeful with all of them. It’s a blessing and a curse. People advised me against this one, but I didn’t listen. I hoped and believed it would work. Things would get better.
And some things did get better… but other things remained the same, and still others rose to the surface.
But that’s life. And I know I am about half to blame. I chose things that weren’t good for me. I acted in ways that were selfish. I didn’t keep proper boundaries around resting enough. As a result I was extra emotional because of how tired I was.
I didn’t feel like I could trust this dude fully. I know I wasn’t the only girl that he was talking to and that was a problem for me. Now guys, before you jump down my back and say “WOW DUH FOOL YA SHOULD DUMPED HIS BUTT FROM THE START *@&#$*&#” hear this: I had grace for him. He and I had different beliefs about guys and girls being able to be friends or not (I think not) and had never dated before. So it was a……………………. learning experience. For both of us. I learned that in my future relationship, I don’t want to date someone with no dating experience. But actually, that isn’t even a problem. The problem was really that he wasn’t ready to pursue a marriage. He wasn’t ready to commit to one woman for the rest of his life. He didn’t realize what that truly meant, and it was obvious.
One of my favorite quotes when it comes to godly dating is this:
“one day, when you’re chasing God with all your heart, you’re going to look over one day and see your future man running just as hard after God as you are”.
I can’t remember who said it for the life of me. And that also isn’t the exact quote. But the concept remains the same.
If you’re a christian, your future husband or wife has to seek and value God above you and your relationship.
God has to be number one.
The fellow whom I just got out of a relationship with was a believer, but wasn’t walking closely with the Lord. In other words, he wasn’t seeking the Lord with his whole heart or prioritizing his relationship with the Lord. And when a person is not right with God, other things in life don’t line up either.
Not saying even if he were right with the Lord we were right for each other. I can’t say that about before and I can’t say that now because only God knows. Part of me wants to sit around and mull it over in my mind a million different ways to comfort myself. Fact of the matter is, the cards played out the way that they did, and the Holy Spirit said “no”. The Holy Spirit said “it’s not right”. The Holy Spirit said “it’s time for y’all to end this thang.
And so I did. Reluctantly, but I still did.
And feel more at peace than I have in a long time.
I’m also thanking God because this fellow is seeking the Lord hard now. I praise God for this, and pray that he continues to seek the Lord hard for the rest of his days.
There is still a part of me that hopes it might work out. But God will be the judge of that. He is the one who brings people together, and it will be Him who brings my future husband and I together; whomever it may be.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. <3
So now I go. And sip chardonnay. And read books that are good for my soul. And maybe eat the neglected piece of bread that I forgot to eat with my dinner of fried eggs and sauteed mushrooms and onions.
8:00pm. Too early for bed. This night owl has to hoot and holler for at least 3 more hours before I’ll be tired enough for bed. I’ve definitely gotten into the routine. Tomorrow’s gonna be a late one too.
So I bid thee farewell. And urge you, dear reader, to talk about your feelings with your partner as you’re feeling them. Communicate what’s wrong, communicate what’s right. Talk about what you could do better, talk about the direction you both are going in together.
Whether you’re dating or married, the goal is oneness. Unity. Two becoming one.
I may have just gulped that last bit of chard. Ahh, there’s always more. Or maybe a break would be beneficial to my emotional state of mind. P’haps a nice walk.
I just ate the bread. Plain. With no butter or honey or jam.
This post is just going to get more and more boring if I continue on. I MUST end it immediately!
Habit, I suppose. I’ve gotten used to hearing from you often. And now that I’m not hearing from you as much, I miss you.
I miss hearing your notification sound go off. I don’t think I ever told you, but you had your own sound. A special tone that told me who it was. It wasyou.
Though I don’t hear it often anymore. Yet I’ll admit, whenever I do, my heart does a little flip. I perk up a bit and get excited.
I read your messages and miss you more.
I’m holding onto hope, I realize. Could it work out between us in the future? Could there ever be a future for us? Romantically, of course. Dating-wise, of course. A high-functioning, partnering, Christ-like relationship.
I don’t know. All I know is that it isn’t now. Now was not right. The Holy Spirit was convicting me whenever we were apart, that that’s where we were to stay.
It was when we were together that I was confused. I liked what I saw and I liked what I felt, and I convinced myself that the Holy Spirit must have been lying. God must have been bending the truth.
I even believed that it wasn’t God at all who was speaking to me to end things. I convinced myself that it was hormones. It must’ve been my body that was all jacked up, and that is why I keep going back and forth about breaking up with you.
Lord Jesus… how come so much of your daily mercies go unnoticed, yet your mercy comes alive to me better when you allow me to go thru a trial such as this? I wish your sovereignty would have prevented me from ever dating this person. I wish your hand would’ve prevented me from getting close to him and starting to care about him. Though there’s no going back now. There’s only forward moving. Either forward moving, or staying in one place. I choose to go forward in faith.
I’ll tell you where I can’t live. That’s in a place of doubt. In a place where I keep wondering if I did the right thing
Can you believe that I just checked my messages in the middle of typing this post?
And even backed up and read old message exchanges too?
10:11. Believe it or NAWHT I’m going to bed right now.
Goodnight everyone. Turn off your phone and unplug for a while. It does the mind & body good <3
I am grieving the loss of a relationship. One that I really wanted to work out. And now I’m sad.
Sad that he didn’t make me feel like the only one.
Disappointed that I hoped so much that that would change.
Sad that I won’t be hearing from him regularly anymore.
Disappointed that I didn’t stop it before it got to this point.
Sad that my own disobedience is what got me here.
Sad that I’ve dated so many people in the past that I have expectations of what I’m looking for in a man and how I want to be treated. Ignorance is bliss, but I’m not ignorant to this.
But on the same hand, he isn’t ready. He never was ready to commit to one person. One woman. One wife. He wasn’t ready to become one with another person.
That’s what marriage is all about. Becoming one. The union of marriage is two people coming together and choosing one another over everyone else. Marrying one person is saying I will love you and serve you and choose youeveryday for the rest of my life.
It’s not being enticed by other people. It’s recognizing that every person is made in the image of God and has ups and downs, pros and cons, flaws. Every person has a beautiful soul and mind given to them by God.
Choosing to love just one person means wanting to know them from the inside out. It’s getting to know their heart. It’s focusing on only them. It’s not putting your eggs in several different baskets in case it doesn’t work out. It’s putting your heart on the line and trusting and believing that the person you’re giving your heart to will love you back.
Lord Jesus, I am so sorry and sad that I disobeyed you and tried to make my own way with this individual. You didn’t want me to go that day because you knew he wasn’t right for me. I injected myself into his life and tried to change him and save him and make him fit for me and it didn’t work. And now I am so, so sad. Your Holy Spirit is a rescuer. You rescued me and challenged me to obey you this weekend. And so last night I did. I broke it off with him. It was time. Oh Lord. Thank you for rescuing me. For caring for me. For showing me the way in which I should go.
Lord I pray for clarity. I ask you to give me clarity in Jesus’ name. To help me see you in this situation. Reveal anything to me that I need to work on, confess for, repent of, and work towards. I am your vessel and recognize that I am not my own. Help me to serve you better and seek Your kingdom and Your righteousness first and foremost.