Again, I say hello.
I’m not sure what all I’m going to write about in this post.
Perhaps loneliness. It seems that as I dwell on the fact that I’m now single I get sad. But when then I remember the why part of my single state and then am quite humbled and the sadness quickly dissipates.
See, this guy and I were never meant to be more than buds. Buddies. Pals.
Ha ha yoooo
I used to watch South Park back in high school when I was a stoner and smoked lots of pot. Those days are far behind me, praise God. BUT this episode always cracked me up.
I was just about to type something along the lines of: “when you meet your future husband/wife, it’ll be like magnetism. You just won’t be able to get enough of that person”. But no, that’s definitely not always true. A friend of a friend didn’t like the man she ended up marrying a year and a half (or something like that) years later.
Love is unpredictable.
I was hopeful with this one. I am hopeful with all of them. It’s a blessing and a curse. People advised me against this one, but I didn’t listen. I hoped and believed it would work. Things would get better.
And some things did get better… but other things remained the same, and still others rose to the surface.
But that’s life. And I know I am about half to blame. I chose things that weren’t good for me. I acted in ways that were selfish. I didn’t keep proper boundaries around resting enough. As a result I was extra emotional because of how tired I was.
I didn’t feel like I could trust this dude fully. I know I wasn’t the only girl that he was talking to and that was a problem for me. Now guys, before you jump down my back and say “WOW DUH FOOL YA SHOULD DUMPED HIS BUTT FROM THE START *@&#$*&#” hear this: I had grace for him. He and I had different beliefs about guys and girls being able to be friends or not (I think not) and had never dated before. So it was a……………………. learning experience. For both of us. I learned that in my future relationship, I don’t want to date someone with no dating experience. But actually, that isn’t even a problem. The problem was really that he wasn’t ready to pursue a marriage. He wasn’t ready to commit to one woman for the rest of his life. He didn’t realize what that truly meant, and it was obvious.
One of my favorite quotes when it comes to godly dating is this:
“one day, when you’re chasing God with all your heart, you’re going to look over one day and see your future man running just as hard after God as you are”.
I can’t remember who said it for the life of me. And that also isn’t the exact quote. But the concept remains the same.
If you’re a christian, your future husband or wife has to seek and value God above you and your relationship.
God has to be number one.
The fellow whom I just got out of a relationship with was a believer, but wasn’t walking closely with the Lord. In other words, he wasn’t seeking the Lord with his whole heart or prioritizing his relationship with the Lord. And when a person is not right with God, other things in life don’t line up either.
Not saying even if he were right with the Lord we were right for each other. I can’t say that about before and I can’t say that now because only God knows. Part of me wants to sit around and mull it over in my mind a million different ways to comfort myself. Fact of the matter is, the cards played out the way that they did, and the Holy Spirit said “no”. The Holy Spirit said “it’s not right”. The Holy Spirit said “it’s time for y’all to end this thang.
And so I did. Reluctantly, but I still did.
And feel more at peace than I have in a long time.
I’m also thanking God because this fellow is seeking the Lord hard now. I praise God for this, and pray that he continues to seek the Lord hard for the rest of his days.
There is still a part of me that hopes it might work out. But God will be the judge of that. He is the one who brings people together, and it will be Him who brings my future husband and I together; whomever it may be.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. <3
So now I go. And sip chardonnay. And read books that are good for my soul. And maybe eat the neglected piece of bread that I forgot to eat with my dinner of fried eggs and sauteed mushrooms and onions.
8:00pm. Too early for bed. This night owl has to hoot and holler for at least 3 more hours before I’ll be tired enough for bed. I’ve definitely gotten into the routine. Tomorrow’s gonna be a late one too.
So I bid thee farewell. And urge you, dear reader, to talk about your feelings with your partner as you’re feeling them. Communicate what’s wrong, communicate what’s right. Talk about what you could do better, talk about the direction you both are going in together.
Whether you’re dating or married, the goal is oneness. Unity. Two becoming one.
I may have just gulped that last bit of chard. Ahh, there’s always more. Or maybe a break would be beneficial to my emotional state of mind. P’haps a nice walk.
I just ate the bread. Plain. With no butter or honey or jam.
This post is just going to get more and more boring if I continue on. I MUST end it immediately!
Thanks for reading.