the apple of your eye

Published on February 26, 2019 by VelvetLeave a comment

when did you become the apple of my eye

when did you become my heart’s desire

when did seeing you pay attention to other people bring fire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

she doesn’t even like you, I say

she doesn’t care like I do, I spit

I’ve thought about you a little too much and I need to go to bed now

fruitless is this

fruitless

…

I can see

how so many

get caught up with

the romantics

it’s a lie

that it would satisfy

that cup was never meant to be touched

now you’re spending your life trying to fill it back up

…………………..

…………………

…………………..

meanwhile

you’re so cautious

standing back, anticipating the next move

moving slowly

doing nothing you might regret

saying nothing suggestive

strange

how comfortable it makes me feel

not having to worry about pressure

not having to perform

not having to wonder whether you like me or not

i know you do, or you wouldn’t show up

you wouldn’t invite me

you wouldn’t come

you wouldn’t reach out

you wouldn’t respond

but you do

and when I haven’t heard from you in a while, I miss you

but then you appear again and I inhale a sigh of relief

my lymph nodes are starting to get sore, which is a sign that I am exhausted

I *did* get up at 4:30 in Orlando this morning to catch my flight. It is now midnight.

Lord help me sleep soundly and restore my body. And please restore my mind and heart and make me a living sacrifice for you; not getting distracted by so many and so much. I am Yours.

xxx

remember when

Published on February 19, 2019February 19, 2019 by VelvetLeave a comment

you were fifteen and i was 14 and we talked late into the night every night

i watched and waited for you to start typing a response

on AOL instant messenger

“A-I-M” or AIM

we talked back and forth every day. every night. for hours. a relationship.

i liked you

you like me

but you were dating someone else

but you were dating me

you were

and we met every day during 2nd block. i had first lunch and you had second lunch. but i skipped part of class most days to spend 2nd lunch walking with you

and you walked close to me

and you put your arm around me

and it felt so nice

but i knew you were with someone else

so there was always that longing

that desire

and we walked around town. and we played basketball. and you bit my arm. ha ha

i thought you were going to kiss me

but i didn’t know what i would have done if you did

but we carried on in this way

we started talking on the phone

and i said i was going to drive to your house

it was 1:00 in the morning.

i was going to get into my dad’s car

and drive it to your house

i thought about it

contemplated it

almost did it

you dared me

we went back and forth

you tempted me

i wanted to prove you wrong

i wanted to see you

thank God i never went.

but i wanted you to do the same for me

i wanted you to drive to me

but you didn’t.

you still had a girlfriend

boy was i thick

talking to a guy like you

who would talk to a girl behind his girlfriend’s back

some of the things you said to me

are burned into my memory

forever

i loved you

you were interested in me

you cared about me

you spent time with me

you complimented me

and i wanted to be with you

but thought it would never happen

until one day.

you wanted to hang out after school. so we walked around in the woods behind the school.

and sat down on a log

and you held my hand

and you said

“Velvet

…

should I break up with her?”

and

didn’t

say

“yes”

…

I couldn’t

say anything

except

“I can’t tell you what to do”

over and over

that’s all I could say

every time you asked me

I wanted you to know

I wanted you to be sure already

I didn’t want you to blame me in the future

if it didn’t work out

and you regretted leaving her

plus you wanted security

you wanted to know that I wanted you

you didn’t have faith

you didn’t trust that I would have you

you were trying to set up a relationship with me in advance

so you didn’t have to be alone

we stopped talking after that

the long conversations came to an end

the late nights were no more

sad

i was so sad

but the chase was my pursuit

i didn’t trust you either

i say these things in retrospect but if you had asked me to be your girlfriend that day, I would have said yes

funny thing is

12 years later

you are still with her

the same girl

now woman

and i am glad.

i’m so glad.

and if you’re reading this

I hope y’all get married

what sweet love has grown

with two young souls

so young

but God

I pray

you aren’t doing to her now

what you did to her back then

by sowing seeds

in the wrong soil

attention will never satisfy

the pursuit

the chase

will never satisfy

the longing

the desire

the hope

the dream

the thought

the idea

of you and i

is always more glamorous

than the reality

when the game is called “winning someone”

strange

the stories we remember

on days that the moon is full

xxx

one more thing

Published on February 19, 2019 by VelvetLeave a comment

it’s almost 1 am but I just have to tell you

I’ve been watching for you out my window.

ever since you went by that one day.

and i waved.

and you waved back

but after i waved

i ducked down and hid underneath my windowsill

and your hair stuck out from beneath your hat

and your smile remained unfamiliar to me

but your wave stayed with me all these years and I hugged it like a children hugs his favorite blanket

you didn’t know who I was but probably had an idea

and that wave felt so brave but my ducking negated the bravery I think

and now many many moons later, I watch for you again

but you aren’t the same person

I’m in a new place, you see

and you don’t live in this place

but someone just like you does.

someone unfamiliar

someone interesting

someone with potential

someone unknown

someone new

someone bright

someone

someone.

so I watch for you and wait for you and recently you were around

though not for very long

and I didn’t do my best to ensure you stayed. but that’s not my job

and in this situation: what willl be willl be.

good night <3

too much azucar

Published on February 19, 2019February 19, 2019 by VelvetLeave a comment

hmmmmm

I think I ate a little too much chocolate cake. I just started to get angry and tired and feel a little sick. Didn’t take much tbh but I don’t do a lot of sugar these days. This reminds me of the time my cousin and I got Duck Donuts and I ate two and then told her I was mad.

Duck Donuts are made fresh in the store, hot off the press? belt? lol and topped with icing amazingness fah days. That day I ate a maple bacon and a cookies and cream. 2 donuts. In a row. it was sugah sugah sugahhhhhhhhh RUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember it like it was yesterday. Sickly sweet warm gooey melty donuts. 5 minutes later, pounding heart, fuzzy vision, sick feeling in my stomach and head creeping up. Anger.

Too much sugar is not good.

Or OH! OH!!! The time my friend threw an ice cream sundae party for her 2 year old son. All the neighbors and their kids came over and piled ridiculous amounts of ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, sprinkles, marshmallows, candies, caramel sauce, fudge sauce, maraschino cherries and faith into their bowls. The parents threw in the faith. Faith that their kids would survive the bowls of ice cream and come out alive and strong on the other side. How wrong they were. How so very wrong.

Ps. I should be asleep right now, FYI, so if this post is drab or enigmatic, that is why. Also, I’m an enigma as it is, and this is a free association thought train running wildly down the tracks, headed for God knows where.

So the kiddos ate the sundaes. And they started running all over the yard. Up the ladder and down the slide. At full speed towards the slip and slide.

At first it was funny. Fun. Cute. Until the chaos ensued.

Screaming.

Crying.

Bullying.

8 year olds start beating up on 3 year olds.

Kids are pushed to the ground.

Tears.

First one kid. Then two. Then three. Then we’ve got about 7 crying toddlers.

It was nerve-wracking. My head was splitting and I started looking around for alcohol. I found a beer and cracked it open.

“Never again!” said my friend as her yard pulsed with the crying energies of 11 babies.

Half of them were not babies by the way. But that’s what excess sugar will do to you apparently. Turn you into a crying little baby.

hahahah

I’m waiting for you btw. Where are you?

I was supposed to stop eating at 7:30pm but I was still caking it up after 10. That is because I always bring dessert to one of the ladies I take care of on Monday nights after I get out of bible study. Tonight was the famous chocolate cake that we both love so much. But I had already eaten cake. And then I gave her cake. So I figured I’ll have more cake. That was a mistake.

A cake mistake.

A big fat cake mistake? I think so.

It’s okay though, I’m feeling much better.

And now I’m going to focus my energies outside of my self and my mind and my desires and aspirations and what I think I want. I’m going to serve my friend. I’m going to be present where I am and trust in the Lord to meet my needs. To fill me and satisfy me. I’m going to seek His kingdom and His righteousness first and all these other things will be added.

God knows when I’ll get out of work.

Outta work, time for bed.

husky eyes

Published on February 9, 2019February 9, 2019 by VelvetLeave a comment

my goodness

…

….

…..

……

…….

……

…..

….

…

piercingly steel grey with ocean blue

stark black pupils stand alone in the sea of clouds over an ocean

they touched me for only a moment

but I was burned

seared

scathed

damaged

pierced

torn

though somehow warmed

surprised

drawn in

tickled

intrigued

tempted

and it was real. So real

that days later I’m thinking about them

writing about them

wondering about them

contemplating them and the words that fluttered up to the surface of your lips and the tip of your tongue as you said

“hello!”

not just hello

not “hello.”

but “hello!”

and those husky eyes lit up

and smiled around the edges

and my heart burst inside my chest

and I couldn’t help but smile back

and all the sudden I was aware of my body and what my hands were doing and how my feet were positioned and I wondered whether or not my hair was overcome by static or if my lipstick was straight and I said

“hi!”

and our hands touched for a moment as we both pondered where it was that we had met before

and I did a good job pretending since I knew

exactly

when I had seen you last

and we had danced

but didn’t

exchange

names.

And in that moment you saw me for the first time

because last time

you weren’t looking

…

….

…..

….

…

and I wrote you off as proud.

because you weren’t enthralled by me

because I wasn’t enthralled by me

because he wasn’t enthralled by me anymore

so I was apathetic

and apathy breeds apathy

but love breeds love

and this night when I saw how husky your eyes were when they were alive and dancing in my presence, something came alive

I’m not sure what it is yet

if only an attraction

though I hope not

…

it saddens me to think that nothing will ever come from our interaction

though these words are already not nothing in themselves

they’re something

I’m alive

they remind me that I am alive

words on pages

words on a screen

they’ve been bubbling in my mind and heart for tens of hours. tens of tens of hours

though there were only two words swimming through my brain

“husky eyes”

two words accompanied by many emotions

because I needed to sit down and formulate them into words

so here we are

I’m alive and well and energetic and my emotions have met the keyboard and become a digital painting of my heart’s desire to live in a hope that might become something more one day

one day

someone’s eyes will sing and dance when they see me

just like yours did

but I will remember yours

because I can’t seem to forget them

not that I’ve been trying to forget them

but instead I dwell in the image they imprinted on my mind

it hangs on the wall of my mind like a painting and I try to enter in

I try to climb into the frame but it’s only 2D.

it’s such a great image

Tho it would look better if I were next to you

or facing you

staring at you

but instead it’s one way

because this thought is one-sided

and I need to put an end to it right now.

friday nights

Published on February 9, 2019February 9, 2019 by VelvetLeave a comment

so my friday nights are pretty low-key. I work Fridays and Saturdays from 9-6 and am usually pretty tired Friday night. And anticipating the next long day. It didn’t help that last night I went salsa dancing and then to work afterwards… so I didn’t go to bed until 2am.

I was tired today. Also, I walked/ran 4.5 miles yesterday. It was mostly walking tbh… I haven’t ran in a LONG time. I had lots of extra energy yesterday because I binge ate a bunch of granola hahaaaaaaa shameful but true. SO I walked and talked on the phone with several people I love! One after the other, not a conference or three-way call lol

So it’s 8:46pm and I’m almost ready for bed. I wish I had more energy so I could go salsa dancing later tonight (at 1030pm lol). I contemplated taking a nap and then getting dressed up and going. But my right leg is sore around my knee from all the activity yesterday so I’m gonna take a rain check. It’s for the best.

But as I was sitting here in my house, after doing a face and hair mask and showering. And doing dishes/ boiling eggs for future meals, I contemplated the silence.

I had dinner with a friend yesterday and told her about my dreams and goals. To write, to produce music, to make videos. She said ” are you too busy or are you just distracted?”.

Yikes.

Well. I am a pretty busy gal.

But she has a point.

Part of my busyness is a distraction.

And then there’s the whole not-making-good-use-of-my-free-time.

Though I must have grace for myself becAUSE years ago I couldn’t do all the things I am doing now consistently because I was getting sick all the time. That was thanks to my eating disorder. Praise God for delivering me from the horrific relationship I had with food back then!

The only thing left to learn is portion control/not overeating. I’m getting there 😉

It’s taken a long time, but I’ve come a LONG way. Praising God!!!!!!!!

Anyway. I am a very hasty individual sometimes. I want to be the BEST. NOW! I run into things and then give up when it gets hard or falls apart.

When I’ve moved too quickly I throw in the towel because haste had made waste yet again.

But God is long-suffering. And He’s slowly transforming me to be more and more like Him every day. It’s a slow process. I mess up a lot and then cry out and ask “how come I’m still like this?”

But I’m not still like this. Like that. He’s made me a new creation. So before, I was stuck in a rut. But I’ve been moving forward for years. And comparing the Velvet the world sees now to the Velvet from years ago… is truly amazing. He’s turning me into a gem. 🙂 <3

It’s like at the end of Joshua when God makes a list of all of the battles that He helped Joshua win. There was a list of over 30 wars that they won with God on their side. Upon opening the bible and reading the list, one might think “why is this list included? Is it important?” And the fact is… YES it’s sooo important! It’s a long reminder of everything God did for Joshua and the Israelites. It’s proof that He was with them. It’s proof that He is for them.

Sometimes we forget what God has done and focus on what He hasn’t done yet.

But when I look back on everything He HAS done it’s simply amazing.

Permission to rest. I’m giving myself permission. I don’t need to do anything tonight. I’m allowed to go to bed early when I’m tired. Or even if I’m not that tired. 🙂

As far as my dreams and goals and visions go: God is preparing me for those things. It’s all about timing.

So now it’s time for bed. 9:07pm. Lol

I wonder how long I’ll be able to sleep for……. 9 hours would be amazing!!!!!!!!!!! Make up for some of that lost sleep from last night.

Enjoy your night everyone.

xxx

The Meditations of My Heart

Published on February 4, 2019 by VelvetLeave a comment

As you walk around the neighborhood

As you sit at your desk at work during your lunch break

When you’re driving in your car on the way to wherever

When you’re lying in your bed at night before you go to sleep

What are you meditating on?

Meditating means: contemplating, considering, thinking about, pondering.

The meditations of our hearts are what drives us.

What is your heart thinking about?

What is your heart longing for?

What drives you.

What are your goals?

What direction are headed in?

In a surface-level conversation I would probably say: I want to be a writer. I want to write books. I want to record music. I want to make videos. I want to

I want to

But then my actions say otherwise.

They say: I want to dance. I want to exercise. I want to spend time with friends and those who I love. I want to eat. I want to sleep. I want to rest. I want to do nothing. I want to turn off my brain.

“May these words of my mouth

and this meditation of my heart

be pleasing in your sight, LORD,

my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:4

Pleasing to God. Lots of my thoughts definitely aren’t pleasing to Him. I know this because they’re all about me. They’re all about glorifying myself. How can I get better, look better, be more well-liked. Be more successful.

Don’t get me wrong: success is good. Caring for yourself is good. But not all good goals and things are goals and things I should be pursuing at this time.

God has a post for each of us where he sets us at. He wants us to stay at that post and watch. He wants us to perform the necessary duties at the post. He doesn’t want us to be distracted by whatever the enemy wants to dangle in front of us.

So often we forget about our post and leave it behind, and instead pursue our desires, our temptations. We begin meditating on ourselves and what we want and what we desire and we forgot Who knows better what we need.

God knows that I need to focus on the gifts He’s given me and focus on pouring them out to other people. He also knows that I am easily distracted. He knows what I’m distracted by. He knows my weaknesses. He sees my heart and knows my deepest desires that drive my actions and thoughts and ideas. And He still loves me.

But He gives us a way out: He changes us. He asks us to cry out to Him and ask Him for guidance, direction and help. He is our shepherd, and he calls us by name. He doesn’t want us to get eaten by wolves. He doesn’t want us to fall off a cliff. He doesn’t want us to wander and get lost.

So my prayer for me and my prayer for you is this:

Ask the Lord to help your meditations be pleasing to Him. If you know what you’re contemplating doing or saying or not doing or not saying is not pleasing to Him, ask Him to deliver you from that way of thinking and renew a right spirit within you.

Trust that God is good all the time and only wants what is best for His children. Trust that His boundaries are good and that He wants to protect us from certain things until the right context, the right time. Trust that He’s preparing you for good works, and can and will accomplish within you more than you could ever ask, think or imagine.

Trust Him.

Ask Him to help you want to want Him. Want to need Him. Know that you need Him.

Ask Him to help you know that He satisfies. That He is more than enough.

He is more than enough.

Lord, change the meditations of my heart: get them off my myself. Help me be outwardly focused and not trapped in an inwardly-focused way of thinking.

xxx

1:00am

Published on February 4, 2019 by VelvetLeave a comment

ahh

I’ve missed being here. But I’ve been purposefully avoiding writing so I didn’t say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Timing is everything

Timing

Time

Clocking hours at work. The more time I spend here, the more $$$ I get.

But time is so precious. There’s only so much free time… And I like to use it carefully. But I don’t always. Lots of times I squander my time

And then wonder where it went.

“Where did the time go?!” I like saying that when I am overloaded with unaccomplished tasks.

Or perhaps when something is sooooooo fun and I don’t want it to end.

Like dancing. I never want dancing to end! And the time just goes! Just flies by. I never look at the clock when I’m dancing. Unlike when I’m working. Or when I used to be in school and the time would drip slowly by like a slow-forming droplet on a leaky faucet

drip

Time used to drag on by a lot. Not now though. Time seems to fly by. Days and weeks cascade down the waterfall of my life with rushing force; while the pool of my dreams and desires overflows over the riverbanks and spills over into smaller pools nearby. When will I get to all of the things I want to accomplish.

“I don’t have time” I told my cousin today when she asked me how the book was coming along.

My pastor asked me the same thing the other day to which I replied “it seems that maybe God doesn’t want me to focus on the book right now because my plate is full… I just can’t find the time”.

I don’t think I’ve ever gone on looking for time like I’ve looked for my phone charger. If only it were a tangible item that I could stack up and keep in boxes or on shelves and access the store whenever I was running low or running out. Then I could trade it with other people for other things if they were desperate. Though I’m not sure what I would want to trade it for. Maybe love

Aren’t those the most important things. Time and love.

Time to have to spend with those you love, or to spend doing the things you love doing.

Though love would not be an easy trade, even if someone really needed the time. But what would that love look like anyway. Trading love.

I could think of a few unbecoming ways but wouldn’t actually trade time for that kind of love.

Real love is what I say I want but I’m not sure that’s what my heart actually wants.

Because real love waits until the proper time to be accessed. Selfish, self-centered, self-seeking “love” is not real love at all.

Real love trusts God, and is given by God.

Real love doesn’t pressure.

Real love forgives and doesn’t hold grudges.

Real love is flexible and willing to change.

Real love is dynamic. Like dancing.

Dancing is dynamic. Dancing is alive.

Real love is alive too.

Real love sacrifices.

Real love considers the other person higher than themselves.

Real love serves.

I say I want real love … but my heart tells a different story.

A story of wanting to be loved. But maybe not to really love.

Time and love.

If that’s what it’s all about, then real love must be worth waiting for. Love with the right person.

Don’t settle for just anyone. Some people are so ready to hurry up and get married that they don’t care who it’s with. Not I. I care. I know that much. Though I wish it were soon or I wish it was known that I would find it or that it would find me.

How much time do I spend thinking about love.

How much time do I spend thinking about me?

I would like to focus my energies and efforts elsewhere.

Lord, please stretch my time and focus my heart on the tasks that you’ve set before me. Help me perform well at whatever “post” you set me at. Help me fulfill my duties and help me not be distracted by the schemes of the evil one. Help me resist temptation and remember why you placed me in the places that you placed me in. Help me remember that it was You that placed me because you know better where I need to be and how I ought to be using my gifts. Help me not squander my gifts; and in asking that, I ask you to help me not squander my time that I could be using towards making use of the gifts you’ve given me. Amen.

Time for bed. 1:29. Gotta get some good sleep so I can have a great week.

Thank you Lord for rest and this bed and my laptop and so many opportunities coming up to enjoy this life and keep my eyes on the Lord as I worship, work and wait.

xoxoxo

Navigating the dark

Published on January 24, 2019 by VelvetLeave a comment

I love it when I can navigate dark places without a light. The memory of where things usually are and the faith that there are no large blockades or objects unusually placed is required. or small Legos something of that sort on the floor. There are not many worse things to step on unexpectedly than a Lego, besides perhaps that nail that Murph? stepped on in Home Alone when he was climbing the tar-covered staircase from the basement to the first floor of the house.

It’s 6:20. I woke up at 5:55 to help a client this morning. She’s ocupado right now and I’m hanging nearby in case she needs help. So I went to the kitchen to get a cup of water. And it was dark. But I knew where the right cabinet was, and where my cup of choice stood waiting for me. And I picked it up and brought it to the fridge and placed it exactly under the water dispenser and proceeded to press upon it and fill up the cup.

That’s when I started thinking about God. He is light, and there is no darkness in Him. There is nowhere we can go to hide. He is with us always, and sees us, and knows us. He navigates our hearts and minds and knows where every part of us resides. He knows how it got there, and He knows how to clean it up if it shouldn’t be there. He is not surprised by the sharp, unfortunately placed Legos on the floor of our hearts, as He’s navigating the darkest places that need His light shined upon them desperately.

He sees all things, knows all things, and is surprised by nothing. And yet He still loves us.

When I was in the darkest of places, you saw me for what I was, and still lavished your love upon me.

Gratitude

<3 thank you Father that you are light

<3 thank you for making us your light here on Earth

<3 thank you for giving us eyes to see

<3 thank you for teaching us how to navigate a dark world

<3 thank you for leading us away from things that make us stumble

<3 thank you for having patience and grace for us as we still trip and fall

<3 thank you for giving us your grace to have for others as they still trip and fall, and sometimes bring us down with them

Lord, without your light and the truth of your word, I can do nothing. You word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. The path you reveal to me is the only one I want to walk. Forgive me for choosing wrong paths.

You are the light of the world and cannot be hidden! Let your light shine before others! Know the source of your light: what Christ has done for you on the cross. By His dying for our sins, He made us right-standing before God, and gives light to see to all who believe in Him through the Holy Spirit and the bible.

Life is bright with you Jesus 🙏🙌

Happy Thursday everyone!

XXX