remember when

you were fifteen and i was 14 and we talked late into the night every night

i watched and waited for you to start typing a response

on AOL instant messenger

“A-I-M” or AIM

we talked back and forth every day. every night. for hours. a relationship.

i liked you

you like me

but you were dating someone else

but you were dating me

you were

and we met every day during 2nd block. i had first lunch and you had second lunch. but i skipped part of class most days to spend 2nd lunch walking with you

and you walked close to me

and you put your arm around me

and it felt so nice

but i knew you were with someone else

so there was always that longing

that desire

and we walked around town. and we played basketball. and you bit my arm. ha ha

i thought you were going to kiss me

but i didn’t know what i would have done if you did

but we carried on in this way

we started talking on the phone

and i said i was going to drive to your house

it was 1:00 in the morning.

i was going to get into my dad’s car

and drive it to your house

i thought about it

contemplated it

almost did it

you dared me

we went back and forth

you tempted me

i wanted to prove you wrong

i wanted to see you

thank God i never went.

but i wanted you to do the same for me

i wanted you to drive to me

but you didn’t.

you still had a girlfriend

boy was i thick

talking to a guy like you

who would talk to a girl behind his girlfriend’s back

some of the things you said to me

are burned into my memory


i loved you

you were interested in me

you cared about me

you spent time with me

you complimented me

and i wanted to be with you

but thought it would never happen

until one day.

you wanted to hang out after school. so we walked around in the woods behind the school.

and sat down on a log

and you held my hand

and you said


should I break up with her?”






I couldn’t

say anything


“I can’t tell you what to do”

over and over

that’s all I could say

every time you asked me

I wanted you to know

I wanted you to be sure already

I didn’t want you to blame me in the future

if it didn’t work out

and you regretted leaving her


plus you wanted security

you wanted to know that I wanted you

you didn’t have faith

you didn’t trust that I would have you

you were trying to set up a relationship with me in advance

so you didn’t have to be alone


we stopped talking after that

the long conversations came to an end

the late nights were no more


i was so sad

but the chase was my pursuit

i didn’t trust you either

i say these things in retrospect but if you had asked me to be your girlfriend that day, I would have said yes

funny thing is

12 years later

you are still with her

the same girl

now woman

and i am glad.

i’m so glad.

and if you’re reading this

I hope y’all get married

what sweet love has grown

with two young souls

so young

but God

I pray

you aren’t doing to her now

what you did to her back then

by sowing seeds

in the wrong soil

attention will never satisfy

the pursuit

the chase

will never satisfy

the longing

the desire

the hope

the dream

the thought

the idea

of you and i

is always more glamorous

than the reality

when the game is called “winning someone”


the stories we remember

on days that the moon is full







This morning I sprayed on the perfume I used to wear two years ago and thought of you immediately.

I felt your touch for a moment and remembered what you said to me that night.

I remember how we both looked out hopefully across the water and thought about what the future could look like.

I remember how I pined for information from you but you weren’t ready to share.

We weren’t ready for each other. I don’t know if we ever will be.

london night lights bridge
Photo by Uncoated on

I try to figure out and know who will be him.

Who are you?

Where is the man I will wear perfume for for the rest of my life and not have to worry about shunning a scent when things go south.

I think that’s why I don’t wear the perfume anymore. In fact, I know that’s why. I can’t bear to think of you anymore.

But one day I will think of you.

Not “you” per se, but him.

I will think of him and know him.

I will love him. <3

<3 V