Tag: self love

friday nights

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so my friday nights are pretty low-key. I work Fridays and Saturdays from 9-6 and am usually pretty tired Friday night. And anticipating the next long day. It didn’t help that last night I went salsa dancing and then to work afterwards… so I didn’t go to bed until 2am.

I was tired today. Also, I walked/ran 4.5 miles yesterday. It was mostly walking tbh… I haven’t ran in a LONG time. I had lots of extra energy yesterday because I binge ate a bunch of granola hahaaaaaaa shameful but true. SO I walked and talked on the phone with several people I love! One after the other, not a conference or three-way call lol

So it’s 8:46pm and I’m almost ready for bed. I wish I had more energy so I could go salsa dancing later tonight (at 1030pm lol). I contemplated taking a nap and then getting dressed up and going. But my right leg is sore around my knee from all the activity yesterday so I’m gonna take a rain check. It’s for the best.

But as I was sitting here in my house, after doing a face and hair mask and showering. And doing dishes/ boiling eggs for future meals, I contemplated the silence.

 

 

 

 

 

I had dinner with a friend yesterday and told her about my dreams and goals. To write, to produce music, to make videos. She said ” are you too busy or are you just distracted?”.

Yikes.

Well. I am a pretty busy gal.

But she has a point.

Part of my busyness is a distraction.

And then there’s the whole not-making-good-use-of-my-free-time.

Though I must have grace for myself becAUSE years ago I couldn’t do all the things I am doing now consistently because I was getting sick all the time. That was thanks to my eating disorder. Praise God for delivering me from the horrific relationship I had with food back then!

The only thing left to learn is portion control/not overeating. I’m getting there 😉

It’s taken a long time, but I’ve come a LONG way. Praising God!!!!!!!!

Anyway. I am a very hasty individual sometimes. I want to be the BEST. NOW! I run into things and then give up when it gets hard or falls apart.

When I’ve moved too quickly I throw in the towel because haste had made waste yet again.

But God is long-suffering. And He’s slowly transforming me to be more and more like Him every day. It’s a slow process. I mess up a lot and then cry out and ask “how come I’m still like this?”

But I’m not still like this. Like that. He’s made me a new creation. So before, I was stuck in a rut. But I’ve been moving forward for years. And comparing the Velvet the world sees now to the Velvet from years ago… is truly amazing. He’s turning me into a gem. 🙂 <3

It’s like at the end of Joshua when God makes a list of all of the battles that He helped Joshua win. There was a list of over 30 wars that they won with God on their side. Upon opening the bible and reading the list, one might think “why is this list included? Is it important?” And the fact is… YES it’s sooo important! It’s a long reminder of everything God did for Joshua and the Israelites. It’s proof that He was with them. It’s proof that He is for them.

Sometimes we forget what God has done and focus on what He hasn’t done yet. 

But when I look back on everything He HAS done it’s simply amazing.

<3

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Permission to rest. I’m giving myself permission. I don’t need to do anything tonight. I’m allowed to go to bed early when I’m tired. Or even if I’m not that tired. 🙂

As far as my dreams and goals and visions go: God is preparing me for those things. It’s all about timing.

So now it’s time for bed. 9:07pm. Lol

I wonder how long I’ll be able to sleep for……. 9 hours would be amazing!!!!!!!!!!! Make up for some of that lost sleep from last night.

Enjoy your night everyone.

xxx

<3

V

brrr

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You can’t tell how cold it is by looking outside.

The sun is shining brightly, the sky is cornflower blue. A bit of wind can be heard in the distance, and a few leaves are rustling. But if you didn’t read the forecast, you would have no idea that it were 20 degrees outside.

Yesterday morning when I left for church, my car thermometer told me it was 63 degrees.

We dropped 40 degrees and change throughout the day and night because of the cold front that traveled down the east coast. Two days ago my mother told me they were supposed to get 2-3 feet of snow on Saturday night in New Hampshire. This same cold front that dropped dozens of inches of snow onto my family up north sucked up dozens of degrees from the state of Virginia.

But you couldn’t tell by looking outside. It looks beautiful out there. And it is beautiful out there. Beautiful doesn’t always mean warm.

That’s how I feel about myself and my emotions. “Wow, isn’t she vain”. Some people might say. But I’m okay with that. It’s good to know you’re beautiful.

I remember a few years ago before I knew my true worth, my cousin would refer to herself as beautiful or hot or attractive and I would be jealous. I would judge her a little bit, be jealous of her a little bit, and question if it was okay to say such things about yourself.

Turns out it is. It’s okay to know you’re beautiful, and be warm about it. There’s no need to pretend that you aren’t beautiful. Because you are. I know there are some things you don’t like about yourself. It might be your skin. It might be your teeth. It might be your stomach, or your arms. It might be your wild hair, or your short torso, or your fat ankles. But you are beautiful.

You are beautiful because you were created. You were thought of, designed, and created. With your specific face. And your individual body. And your one-of-a-kind personality. And your hopes, your dreams, your aspirations. Your mind, your heart. Your soul.

You were created in the image of God.

And He made you utterly beautiful.

Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone knew how special and beautiful they were? Then again, there are those folks who know a little *too well* how beautiful they are 😉

But for you who are doubting your beauty and your worth, know this: you are amazing.

You are a living, breathing, amazing, beautiful creation. You have such worth.

Sometimes when I doubt my beauty or worth, I go to the psalms.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

God knew what He was doing when He made you.

Now.

Don’t you spend one more second pitying yourself. I want you to get out there and have a great day. I want people to know how warm you are. I don’t want you to be beautiful and cold. Be warm and be light to others. If people can’t tell if you’re warm or cold, it’s because you can’t tell if you’re warm or cold.

So which are you?

Love yourself, but don’t spend too much time loving yourself.

Give God the glory for creating you, and then give back to Him by pouring out love and blessings on others! Being consumed with ourselves is a waste of time and energy. We are awesome creatures, but we gots to share our awesomeness with other people who need our gifts!

As for going outside today, bundle up east-coasters/Virginians.

This turned out to be an interesting post. I love starting somewhere with no particular direction and seeing where it ends up.

Carpe diem & happy Monday you beautiful people.

xxx

<3

V

I’m free! & Dear Food <3

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Oh my goodness. I’m out. I am finally out……..

It seems surreal. Hard to believe. Almost impossible. Could it be true? My God. I’m out.

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I’m living in freedom.

My chains are broken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀

Chains of surfeit.

Excess. Overeating. Binging. Comfort eating. Stuffing down my emotions, my anxieties, my fears, worries, feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, regret, low self-esteem, failure.

Overeating to numb myself. To comfort myself. To hide myself. To hide and remain hidden underneath the weight of what I ate. The extra weight. The excess.

Yes, I’ve always eaten a little too much. To cope. To deal. Too much food, the wrong kinds of food, junk. Sugar. There’s a great book called “Food: the Good Girl’s Drug” by Sunny Sea Gold. It’s about having an actual addiction to food. Check it out using the link below:

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I’ve done this for years. For way too freakin’ long. First time I remember binging out was probably Halloween candy when I was like 6 or 7. Well actually, I ate some cookies when I was 4 when my mom was outside… I remember doing it to spite her. And of course, because cookies. 🙂

But those days are behind me. So I’m going to write a note to food real quick:

 

Dear Food,

You are so good. What you do for the human body is amazing. You keep me going. You give me energy and strength when I indulge the proper amount. But I have abused you. I have abused you for most of my life. I have taken advantage of you. I have hidden behind you. I have masked myself in you. I have hated you. I have tried to shun you. I have avoided you. I have come crying back to you countless times. And you’re always there. I can’t avoid or escape you. So instead, I have learned how to love you and how to treat you.

Thank you for always being there. Thank you for not disappearing. Thank you for all of the comfort you can’t help but give.

I used to hate you and what you did to me. I thought of so many ways to avoid you. Vegetarian, vegan, sugar free, carb free, atkins, athleticism, “not hungry”, “already ate a big meal”, binge & restrict. Not eat at all. Eat and throw it all up. What a broken relationship I had with you. How flawed. How devastating. How stressful.

And to think that now… I love you…  and know I am beyond blessed to have you. To have a healthy relationship with you is something I never dreamed possible. But here we are. I look forward to seeing you and enjoying you multiple times a day. I think of reasons to go out with you with friends and enjoy life and eating together.

Food, our relationship has been on a downward spiral, emotional roller coaster, and has always included a large elephant blocking us from properly understanding each other. But it’s gone. The elephant is gone and I can see you properly.

I need you. I want you. I’m thankful for you.

…But I’m not going to come over in the middle of the night anymore. I’m not going to hide you from my loved ones; my family and friends. I’m not going to be ashamed of you. I’m not going to blame you anymore. I don’t feel ashamed for being with you. In fact, I brag about you.

I don’t know where we’re going to go from here, but I know it’s a beautiful direction. I know you never meant to have me in chains, but I have been in them. You never meant to bind me or drug me or cloud my vision. I have taken it upon myself all of these years so I didn’t have to think. So I didn’t have to move. So I didn’t have to feel.

Now that I’m free and have all of this energy I can finally live. I wasn’t living to the full in chains. Who could? I’m no longer a slave to you; in my body or in my mind. I’m going to tell the world now. About our story. About healing. About the place I’ve come from and the place I’m at. With you, in general.

And there’s so much life to live! I know you won’t be running through my mind all the time like you used to. But I think you’ll understand. I won’t need to count calories anymore. I won’t need to go to work out to compensate for indulging in too much of you anymore. I won’t spend too much time indulging or any time at all feeling sorry about it. About the consequences or the guilt. All of those things no longer haunt me because I’m free.

It feels weird to be free. Maybe like how inmates feel after getting released from prison after being in there their whole lives. I’m learning how to act and be and live for maybe the first time. True living. True, unchained, life-giving, grateful, healthy, God-centered living.

So food, thank you. I’m so glad to have you in my life. I thank God for you. Oh, how I thank God.

Love & xxx

<3 V

To Love and BeLoved

Published on by Velvet5 Comments

Dear Reader,

I commence with this advice: this post is fully-packed, and is not cut out for everyone. Some concepts will soar over people’s heads. Some comments will hasten people to click the back or close-browser button and wish there was a “dislike” or even “loathe” option. Some truths will lure you in and leave you thirsty for more truth. The truth in some phrases will cause you to utterly and completely deny having any idea what I am talking about. You may close this browser half-way and decide that I am crazy and alone in what I’m saying. Others will read it over twice or three times to really try to grasp the ideas behind it. After all, these words may be perfectly clear to some people, where others may need more time to decipher.

That being said, I wish you the best read and hope you will find out a little more about love, why we should strive to be more loving, and where we can learn how to love perfectly. There is joy and peace in these words for those who are seeking these things~

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After all, deep down, everybody wants the same thing. Everybody wants to love and be loved.

Continue reading “To Love and BeLoved” →

Liebster Award!

Published on by Velvet2 Comments

“…Award? You never mentioned an award.”

Thank you to The Blogger on the Mount for nominating me for this award! I love having an online community to connect with over posts and shared ideas. I love writing posts that can reach people and that people can relate to. I also love reading and enjoying similar posts ~ 🙂

I will now answer the following 11 questions: Continue reading “Liebster Award!” →

priorities

Published on by Velvet3 Comments

sitting down and writing

exercising

spending time with the people that I love

planning and organizing

devotions

it’s the day before Thanksgiving and I feel like the turkey that has its’ head cut off. I’ve been running around a fool trying to accomplish tasks that seemed “urgent” but really aren’t that important.

For example, I almost went shopping for a swimsuit and went swimming this afternoon instead of cooking the sweet potato casserole that *needs* to be cooked today. I mean, I was going to go swimming and then make the casserole, but now I’ma make the casserole and then go to my Aunt’s house and help clean or whatever. It just makes sense. I don’t have to work out. Though if there *is time, I’d love to get over there.

2 hours later

yeah, there wasn’t time. Once the sweet potatoes were in the oven, I deposited some checks with my bank app, ordered 2 swimsuits online (cheap & the brand I like), replied to a couple emails, took care of a postage issue, texted someone important to me, and am now about to shower and head to my aunts. If I’d gone shopping/swimming, I may not have gotten back til nowish, and nunnathat would’ve gotten done!

Prioritizing needs over wants is hard sometimes. It reminds me of a field trip my school took to a plastic factory in first grade. We were shopping at the gift shop at the end of the day before boarding the buses home. I picked out a couple of erasers and said something along the lines of “I need 2 of these!”. The woman working behind the counter said “you don’t need them, you just want them.”

I got offended and said “actually, I do need these for school. To erase things.”

At the time, I was pretty positive that I needed those erasers. In fact, thinking about that time now even makes me a little miffed for my six year old self; thinking “ha! I told her!” Whether I needed those erasers or not, the line between needing and wanting is good to be aware of. 🙂

Today after I left my aunt’s house and dropped my cousin off, I asked myself “do I really need to go swimming right now when I could be making casserole, catching up on errands, or being at my aunt’s helping prepare for Thanksgiving tomorrow?” The answer was no. Of course not.

I’m glad I chose to opt out of swimming this time. A few years ago I would have ABSOLUTELY swam. I would have needed! to work out. I’m so thankful that I can see past moments like that and come to terms with prioritizing what’s really important.

Plus, the nifty thing about life is that when we put others first, we’re often blessed later when we don’t expect it. 🙂

Ask yahself, do you need to do something, or want to do something? Is it truly important or is it simply urgent?

i-can-t-keep-calm-i-need-chocolate

except when it comes to chocolate, this is always a need

Much love, <3 V

“Happy”

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In this photo taken Sunday, Sept. 27, 2009, a sculpture by Chinese artist Chen Wenling entitled
In this photo taken Sunday, Sept. 27, 2009, a sculpture by Chinese artist Chen Wenling entitled “What You See Might Not Be Real” is on display at a gallery in Beijing, China. The artwork is a critique of the global financial crisis with the bull representing the golden bull of wall street and the man pinned to the wall representing the jailed financier Bernard Madoff. (AP Photo/Ng Han Guan)

I just went on LinkedIn and it made me anxious. Facebook does the same thing, which is why I de-activated my account a few months ago. As I was scrolling down a page filled with some familiar faces of people I went to school and graduated with, old friends, new friends and random people, I read their titles of what they “do”. All the titles were impressive-looking. I started to think about whether or not I should change my title and what I would change it to. Professional Bull-Shitter came to mind above all else.

Hahaha.

And then my anxiety disappeared.

When I was in Virginia at the end of May/ beginning of June I met some random guy at a gathering and he asked if I wanted to hang out with him before I left VA. I said sure, why not. We went bowling with my cousin and her boyfriend and it was OK. After I left, he sent me a text message and we shot a few back and forth. I asked him why he went into the military and he said because his life “was going downhill” and he needed to fix it. I asked him if he was happy now. He responded

“Yeah of course I’m happy. I have a good job, a nice car and a new house.”

Not very convincing.

I wonder if all those folks on LinkedIn are happy too. I hope their professional photographs and long, complicated-sounding job titles are doing it for ’em. Safe to say, it feels good to have left being a Professional BSer behind and welcoming twenties wanderlusting with open arms. No need to try and prove no fake happiness/success to anyone else. Or one’s self either. Or maybe they really are successful and loving their jobs.

Just love what you do, everyone. Be happy. Not fake.

<3 V