Today I’m very tired. I think it’s a combination of eating a lot of chocolate yesterday, and also losing a lot of sleep this week. For example, last Sunday (6 days ago) I was up til ~430am and choppily slept til like 10……… Took a short nap that afternoon for like 45 minutes, aka 20 minutes of sleep #catnap annnd then got a regular night of sleep Monday night. Tuesday I was up til 1 dancing and got up at 8, & Wednesday I did a night shift starting at midnight and ending at 8 am. I mostly got to sleep during the shift but I was up 12-1 and then woke at 3 to check on my lady and then at 6 to get her up and help her to the commode. So uhhhh yeah definitely behind on sleep. No wonder I’m so dang tired. But the lots of chocolate thing didn’t help either.

Oh my goodness I just LOVE WRITING! Thank you God for the gift of words. It is a privilege to be able to write out my thoughts, even so I can just read them and make sense of them and figure out what I need to change in my life.

Like the amount of carbs I eat. Honestly, I’ve come a long way. But yesterday I definitely over carbed with chocolate and peanut butter filled pretzels. So today I’ma eat some vegetables and meat. Sounds appealing! Also I could go for a nap! I think my blood sugar spiked a little too high and came crashing down. That’s definitely part of it.


Haha it’s funny because I just realized it’s 2pm and I should probably have some lunch, so I grabbed some dried mango, trail mix and a granola bar. Aka more nuts and chocolate #facepalm

Hey I need to go to the grocery store alright?! I do have a little bit of chicken… And some boiled eggs. But that’s it. I gots to get some vegetables and meat for this week. And more eggs that I can scramble.

Eggs, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms

Chicken, salad stuff (romaine, cucumbers, carrots)

Tuna… ?! zucchini, peppers, celery

Yeah vegetables actually sound suuuuper appealing to me rn hahaah probably cuz I’ve been lacking in the vegetable department.

YO last night I actually had a craving for carrots and meant to hit the store buuut I ended up talking to my brother on the phone for an hour and a half and then was too lazy to go. Well, kinda. I actually just felt like doing other stuff. So I showered, ate dinner (at like 9pm) and then watched some videos, did social media shtuff, and watched some old videos of mine from 7-8 years ago. Not gonna lie, it was weird to watch those!

I did get tired last night around 10:30, but instead of going to bed, I ate some snacks and stayed up til midnight. Tonight I’m going to bed early. Ba-da-BANG it’s decided.

We have to take care of ourselves. When your body says sleep, sleep! When your body says carrots, buy carrots. I googled carrot craving and read several articles and posts that suggested I may be anemic. I mean, take errthang on the internet with a grain of salt, I get that. But it’s something interesting to consider! Carrots don’t have any iron in them, but craving carrots has been linked to anemia…. interesting….

Maybe I should go to the doctor and ask about that. LOL if you knew me though, you would know that I don’t go to the doctor. Ever. But I’m about to lose my health insurance next month (when I turn 26) and may try to go to the doctor before that. IDK.

I really don’t want to buy health insurance. I hate buying into the dumb system. I should pray about that. It’s smart to have insurance so you don’t have to pay out the butt if something goes wrong, buuuuut paying for insurance sucks. I will say I am super glad I have car insurance and have saved a lot of money with that! I’ma look into insurance people. I’ma do it. Any suggestions? Recommendations?

K that’s it for now. Time to play guitar for my client! #jobperks

xxx <3


I’m free! & Dear Food <3

Oh my goodness. I’m out. I am finally out……..

It seems surreal. Hard to believe. Almost impossible. Could it be true? My God. I’m out.


I’m living in freedom.

My chains are broken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀

Chains of surfeit.

Excess. Overeating. Binging. Comfort eating. Stuffing down my emotions, my anxieties, my fears, worries, feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, regret, low self-esteem, failure.

Overeating to numb myself. To comfort myself. To hide myself. To hide and remain hidden underneath the weight of what I ate. The extra weight. The excess.

Yes, I’ve always eaten a little too much. To cope. To deal. Too much food, the wrong kinds of food, junk. Sugar. There’s a great book called “Food: the Good Girl’s Drug” by Sunny Sea Gold. It’s about having an actual addiction to food. Check it out using the link below:


I’ve done this for years. For way too freakin’ long. First time I remember binging out was probably Halloween candy when I was like 6 or 7. Well actually, I ate some cookies when I was 4 when my mom was outside… I remember doing it to spite her. And of course, because cookies. 🙂

But those days are behind me. So I’m going to write a note to food real quick:


Dear Food,

You are so good. What you do for the human body is amazing. You keep me going. You give me energy and strength when I indulge the proper amount. But I have abused you. I have abused you for most of my life. I have taken advantage of you. I have hidden behind you. I have masked myself in you. I have hated you. I have tried to shun you. I have avoided you. I have come crying back to you countless times. And you’re always there. I can’t avoid or escape you. So instead, I have learned how to love you and how to treat you.

Thank you for always being there. Thank you for not disappearing. Thank you for all of the comfort you can’t help but give.

I used to hate you and what you did to me. I thought of so many ways to avoid you. Vegetarian, vegan, sugar free, carb free, atkins, athleticism, “not hungry”, “already ate a big meal”, binge & restrict. Not eat at all. Eat and throw it all up. What a broken relationship I had with you. How flawed. How devastating. How stressful.

And to think that now… I love you…  and know I am beyond blessed to have you. To have a healthy relationship with you is something I never dreamed possible. But here we are. I look forward to seeing you and enjoying you multiple times a day. I think of reasons to go out with you with friends and enjoy life and eating together.

Food, our relationship has been on a downward spiral, emotional roller coaster, and has always included a large elephant blocking us from properly understanding each other. But it’s gone. The elephant is gone and I can see you properly.

I need you. I want you. I’m thankful for you.

…But I’m not going to come over in the middle of the night anymore. I’m not going to hide you from my loved ones; my family and friends. I’m not going to be ashamed of you. I’m not going to blame you anymore. I don’t feel ashamed for being with you. In fact, I brag about you.

I don’t know where we’re going to go from here, but I know it’s a beautiful direction. I know you never meant to have me in chains, but I have been in them. You never meant to bind me or drug me or cloud my vision. I have taken it upon myself all of these years so I didn’t have to think. So I didn’t have to move. So I didn’t have to feel.

Now that I’m free and have all of this energy I can finally live. I wasn’t living to the full in chains. Who could? I’m no longer a slave to you; in my body or in my mind. I’m going to tell the world now. About our story. About healing. About the place I’ve come from and the place I’m at. With you, in general.

And there’s so much life to live! I know you won’t be running through my mind all the time like you used to. But I think you’ll understand. I won’t need to count calories anymore. I won’t need to go to work out to compensate for indulging in too much of you anymore. I won’t spend too much time indulging or any time at all feeling sorry about it. About the consequences or the guilt. All of those things no longer haunt me because I’m free.

It feels weird to be free. Maybe like how inmates feel after getting released from prison after being in there their whole lives. I’m learning how to act and be and live for maybe the first time. True living. True, unchained, life-giving, grateful, healthy, God-centered living.

So food, thank you. I’m so glad to have you in my life. I thank God for you. Oh, how I thank God.

Love & xxx

<3 V


Today has been a long day. To say the least. I’ve been up since 6:00am. Got to church at 7. Played music at 8. Went to Starbucks at 8:30. Til 10. Then putzed around until church at 11. Then walked in the woods for a while, which was nice. The sun was out today, which was also nice. And I listened to a good sermon on what Jesus has done for me and how I owe him my whole life and nothing less.

I am rather deadpan today. As opposed to alivepan. Just kidding, that’s silly, and doesn’t make much sense. I think I’ll go to the store now and get some Halo Top.

So I just got back from the store. Took 20 minutes. Not bad, considering I sat in the car and listened to about half of “Stars” by Skillet



SO that was good and uplifting. Reminds me that God’s got it in the bag. When I’m having a hard day, He’s GOT it…! I just need to ask for help.

In the store, my cashier was super cute. Not in the traditional sense though. She had a boyish haircut and was pretty overweight, and normally probably wouldn’t have been confident or talkative. I’ve actually had her as my cashier before and she acted like she wasn’t sure if I was going to judge her or not, as she clearly judged herself. This is a way that I’ve changed since re-committing my life to Jesus: I no longer dominate other women with my eyes and attitude and behaviors to get an ego boost. I would try to dominate so I could feel powerful and good about myself. Praise God that now I desire to lift up other women and show them love and affection and empathy and compassion!!!!!

Anyway, she was confident tonight because her frand or boo-thang, or half-boo-whatever-flirt-crush walked by her and she made a comment to him like “it creeps me out when you slip behind me like that”; even though he simply walked by. Though I understand what it’s like to have a crush. You do or say whatever to get their attention onto YOU. You do whatever you can to get noticed. Louder. Flirtier. It was cute. And made me smile. I’m glad I went to the store. For multiple reasons. Including my pint of S’mores HaloTop ice cream which I’m about to eat….!!!!!

Another song I heard on the way home was “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Danny Gokey. Here is the chorus:

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
So I did. I told my heart to beat again. Words do have the power to bring life or death.
Proverbs 18:21 says “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
So I am going to speak good words to myself. Life-filled words. I am going to listen to life-giving music, messages. I am going to spend my time with life-giving people. And I am going to read the ultimate life-giving resource: the bible. Praise God for giving us this amazing book of truth to govern our lives and know Him personally.
He keeps no secrets from us about how to live a fulfilling life. Starting with surrendering your life to Jesus and admitting you need help. You can’t do it on your own. You don’t have the control you thought you had. You can’t make people and things do what you want and happen the way you want them to. But it’s okay. Because God is available to you and wants to help you. Hear you.
Today I was feeling rather dark. Tired. Sleepy. Sleep-deprivation causes depression for sure. But even through that, the Lord has picked me up. Helped me up. Given me the time and the tools I needed to be restored. He is my well-spring of energy. Christians are not supposed to work and live on their own strength. We have the Holy Spirit and ought to let Him do the work. So I call on God.
Praise God for helping me get through this day… and for giving me so many blessings along the way. For sleep. For church. For music. Guitar. Talent. Coffee. Friends. Singing. Praising. Prayer. The Bible. Truth. Sunshine. Walks in the woods. My phone. My car. Time. Safety. Energy. My house. My job. Rest. My computer. The internet. Videos. Ice cream. Money. People. Inspiration. Wine. Pretzel chips. Hope.
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:23
So now I’m going to go eat my halo top and revel in my blessings. <3

The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers’ Award!

You know, there’s something extremely pleasant about being acknowledged for existing. Haha honestly, when I saw that veganneeds nominated me for this “award” my heart skipped a beat! Folks, life is about the little things. Actions speak louder than words. Thanks chica for putting my name out there! <3

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  • Answer questions set by the person who nominates you.
  • Nominate and notify 10 other bloggers (I’m guessing it has to be ladies based on award title? Sorry gents :/)
  • Ask them 10 new questions.


what is your favorite food?
oh geez that’s a hard one!! right now… probably pasta. i’ve been eating a LOT of pasta lately. or any fruit. love my fruits. don’t get me started on last frutas c;
what’s your favorite movie?
umm well there’s always the Harry Potter series. my class was definitely the year of HP fanatics. what can I say. there’s something appealing about scrawny boys with magical powers. orrr Devil Wears Prada? that’s a pretty great one. and then LOTR. im sounding like some sort of… nerd… but all in all I’m not a big movie person. perhaps I should say Forks Over Knives. that movie’s more relevant. :p
Why or How did you start blogging?
wheeeeeel I’ve always been a writer. and always enjoyed writing. and I love spreading news to people. I’m an activist and have a lot of passion inside of me that needs to be channelled through a medium. words are my medium. a blog was a great place to start ;~)
what is your favorite subject to write about?
probablyy…. food. or philosophy. food philosophy. nah. but recipes… and just sorta inspirational posts and posts that inspire introspection
what are you most passionate about?
[food] [environmental] [social] justice. empathy. equality
If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
the love of money
Name one figure you would like to meet and why>
this is actually a really difficult question. first I thought, the owner of Monsanto or big oil or big pharma companies, just to see and understand their perspective… why they do the things they do. then I thought, someone positive. that’s working against the digressive movements and trying to forward health and equality. but I know if I tried hard enough I could meet anyone I wanted. so maybe I should aim for somebody dead. like Ghandi. someone who lived in a different time and tried to stop things from going badly before they got real bad. yeah, how about Ghandi. for being one of the ultimate activists of all time.
name 2 objects you can’t live without?
(1) my brown hairbrush that my mom gave to me when I was old enough to brush my own hair. five? that was hers growing up, passed from her mother. either a really grimy hairbrush, or a timeless well-made heirloom c; and (2) my wristwatch! I have a pretty sick watch–tan that I’ll have to upload a picture of soon.  :p
what is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
check the time. drink some water. use the bathroom. start dream journalling! how about the first four things? :}
Cats or dogs?
dogs. never had cats growing up because my dad’s allergic. though the only dog I ever liked was our dog, Marshmallow. a white Jack Russell Terrier with a toasted brown ear. we got her when I was five. she just passed a few days ago! love you Marsh! haha but it’s all good everyone, she was 18. PLUS I like other dogs now. I’m a dog walker, so. Let’s hope I like dogs.


Thanks again to veganneeds for da nomination!! Now it’s my turn to nominate. Though I’m SO brand new I don’t quite have ten ladies! How about five?! ;~)

MY NOMINATIONS:1. thepoppyseedbee

2. nannygrannie

3. Tracy earth girl diet

4. veganbun

5. Cristal


1. earliest childhood memory?

2. favorite name for a girl

3. do you want kids? how many?

4. what did you/do you want to go to school for?

5. opinion on 9-5 jobs?

6. you can bring one thing to a deserted island (can’t be a boat or anything electronic c;)

7. do you dream in chocolate?

8. agree or disagree: we shouldn’t put anything on our skin that we wouldn’t put into our mouths

9. agree or disagree: climate change is real

10. 5 things in your purse/backpack/tote bag right now

Cheers ladies!! <3

first thing’s first

Thanks to Len Fleischer from Keene State College, I ended up on this site today! He was my professor for my Honors capstone class during my senior year of college (September-January 2013-’14) in which each student had to write an autobiography and tell his/her life story. After five months, including one month of re-writing and editing about forty pages of information I had already written thanks to a crashed hard-drive, my 80something page story was written and handed in.

At the beginning of the semester 80 pages seemed like a lot to write about solely myself. And of course as time went on, Continue reading “first thing’s first”