okay, I’m going

Two days ago.

“Okay I’m going. I’m going. I’m just going to put on a bra and my shoes and get the hell out the door. I’ll feel so much better if I just get. The. Hell. Out. The. Door.

And don’t forget the bible. A bunch of young people will be there, it’ll be good. It’ll be fun. I’m only here for a few weeks. I told everyone I’d be back. I’ll remain consistent with what I say I’ll do if I go.

There’s a part of me that wants to stay wants to just collapse on this couch and not get up for the whole night. The part of me that wants to stay wants to elevate my poor right leg and stop the swelling from pounding through the underside of my knee. The part of me that wants to stay wants to wallow in my own pity that it’s been three days since the boy* has texted me. And I’ll probably swallow lots of gelato to help myself properly wallow in that pity, and perhaps put on a cheesy romance movie about a couple that tries to make love happen but life gets in the way.

Sounds like another super-productive night if yask me.”

Luna the cat, accurately depicting my current state of mind

Last night.

“Why do I have to go to the gym? Oh yeah, it was because I said I’d go. I agreed. At the time it made sense. I had wanted to do some exercise. It would be a chance to bond with my cousin.

‘Marcus might be at the gym when we go!’ my cousin sang as she walked through the door with hands full of her purse, keys, phone and a shopping bag. Oh, joy. Can’t wait to meet him. My affect was flatter than five-day-old road-kill; at the point when the squashed squirrel would need to be peeled off the road. 🙂

I was hungry. I no longer wanted to go to the gym. It was past 7:00PM. I wanted to stuff my face full of quesadillas and hit the hay. Alone.”


The same. I’m the same. We’re supposed to go to a pot-luck but it’s just one of those nights that I don’t feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I’ve been with two toddlers all day and just want to be by myself tonight. But we’ll go. I’ll go. It’ll be FUN! 🙂

Sometimes I just feel like being alone.

–> By the way, pursuing men ain’t the way, ladies. It AIN’T the way. I almost texted this person that I was thinking about but stopped myself each time reminding myself that it just wasn’t me. And I’m so glad that I didn’t give in.

I really believe that men will pursue the women they are interested in. And also, if you click with somebody, you’ll find that you can’t get enough of that person and you won’t want to stop hanging out with them. Not everyone clicks — ese es la vida! <–


Okay. Reasons why I’ll go:

I’ll be happy that I went.

I’ll have had some great(?) conversation.

I’ll have met and talked to someone new.

I’ll remain credible and consistent.

I won’t go crazy over things floating around in my head.

Oh yeah, this

Taking steps is hard… The struggle of being semi-introverted. Or perhaps “human” is the word I’m looking for?

*”the boy” is starred simply as an opportunity to talk about what a “boy” this person really is. Not a man. This person is a boy. And I’m glad we aren’t in contact.

**phone buzzes. Yay it’s him!!!

Only joking. 🙂

It wasn’t him.

Sigh. Love being a woman sometimes.

Much love <3 V


In this photo taken Sunday, Sept. 27, 2009, a sculpture by Chinese artist Chen Wenling entitled
In this photo taken Sunday, Sept. 27, 2009, a sculpture by Chinese artist Chen Wenling entitled “What You See Might Not Be Real” is on display at a gallery in Beijing, China. The artwork is a critique of the global financial crisis with the bull representing the golden bull of wall street and the man pinned to the wall representing the jailed financier Bernard Madoff. (AP Photo/Ng Han Guan)

I just went on LinkedIn and it made me anxious. Facebook does the same thing, which is why I de-activated my account a few months ago. As I was scrolling down a page filled with some familiar faces of people I went to school and graduated with, old friends, new friends and random people, I read their titles of what they “do”. All the titles were impressive-looking. I started to think about whether or not I should change my title and what I would change it to. Professional Bull-Shitter came to mind above all else.


And then my anxiety disappeared.

When I was in Virginia at the end of May/ beginning of June I met some random guy at a gathering and he asked if I wanted to hang out with him before I left VA. I said sure, why not. We went bowling with my cousin and her boyfriend and it was OK. After I left, he sent me a text message and we shot a few back and forth. I asked him why he went into the military and he said because his life “was going downhill” and he needed to fix it. I asked him if he was happy now. He responded

“Yeah of course I’m happy. I have a good job, a nice car and a new house.”

Not very convincing.

I wonder if all those folks on LinkedIn are happy too. I hope their professional photographs and long, complicated-sounding job titles are doing it for ’em. Safe to say, it feels good to have left being a Professional BSer behind and welcoming twenties wanderlusting with open arms. No need to try and prove no fake happiness/success to anyone else. Or one’s self either. Or maybe they really are successful and loving their jobs.

Just love what you do, everyone. Be happy. Not fake.

<3 V

some twenty things for twenty somethings

“Quarter-life crisis”

That’s what I was Googling last night. Similar to the classic mid-lifer except instead of dealing with whether or not to fix my porsche or divorce my spouse, I’m dealing with things related to not knowing where I’ll be living in a few months, what job opportunity I should grasp, whether or not to attend grad school, and whether or not falling in love will fix all of my problems or create many more. Continue reading “some twenty things for twenty somethings”

always chasing part II

“In the grand scheme of things, this moment is a speck. But in this moment right now, it’s my everything.”



She tells me that she’s passed into the threshold of caring about him.

She tells me that her head spins with anxiety and doubt, hoping to hear from him.

…how he’s 32 and couldn’t be leading her on

She tells me that their time spent together is so natural

She also says she has parts of herself hidden away

That she’s afraid to open up about her true feelings because she doesn’t want to scare him away

She tells me that she hasn’t slept in days contemplating the possibility of a reality with him

She tells me that he isn’t in a good place to have a relationship

She tells me she needs reassurance


&& I listen to her words with a pang in my heart

For painting that same story was a suffering art

Always reaching for the broken though the broken denies your hand

And then making it your mission to become part of the broken clan

Sing their songs and dance their dance, and perhaps you’ll win their heart

But hiding your values from judgemental eyes only sets a saint apart

From love

From life

From moral understanding

And at worst, apart from God

For a worldly test, a failed test nonetheless, uncovers the falsities that are sought.

I have dreams about chasing. But relationships shouldn’t be based on chasing. It’s too tolling. We need to communicate with each other and be on the same page as the people we surround ourselves with. Otherwise everyone would be either be mindlessly babbling or purposely isolating themselves.

lovemekittyOnce again, Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.”