Tag: love

minutes tick by

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and I check to see if you have messaged me back.

Why should I?

Habit, I suppose. I’ve gotten used to hearing from you often. And now that I’m not hearing from you as much, I miss you.

I miss hearing your notification sound go off. I don’t think I ever told you, but you had your own sound. A special tone that told me who it was. It was you.

Though I don’t hear it often anymore. Yet I’ll admit, whenever I do, my heart does a little flip. I perk up a bit and get excited.

I read your messages and miss you more.

I’m holding onto hope, I realize. Could it work out between us in the future? Could there ever be a future for us? Romantically, of course. Dating-wise, of course. A high-functioning, partnering, Christ-like relationship.

I don’t know. All I know is that it isn’t now. Now was not right. The Holy Spirit was convicting me whenever we were apart, that that’s where we were to stay.

It was when we were together that I was confused. I liked what I saw and I liked what I felt, and I convinced myself that the Holy Spirit must have been lying. God must have been bending the truth.

I even believed that it wasn’t God at all who was speaking to me to end things. I convinced myself that it was hormones. It must’ve been my body that was all jacked up, and that is why I keep going back and forth about breaking up with you.

Lord Jesus… how come so much of your daily mercies go unnoticed, yet your mercy comes alive to me better when you allow me to go thru a trial such as this? I wish your sovereignty would have prevented me from ever dating this person. I wish your hand would’ve prevented me from getting close to him and starting to care about him. Though there’s no going back now. There’s only forward moving. Either forward moving, or staying in one place. I choose to go forward in faith. 

What now?

I’ll tell you where I can’t live. That’s in a place of doubt. In a place where I keep wondering if I did the right thing

Pause

Can you believe that I just checked my messages in the middle of typing this post?

And even backed up and read old message exchanges too?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wwwwwwwwwwwwwwell.

Ha :/

10:11. Believe it or NAWHT I’m going to bed right now.

Goodnight everyone. Turn off your phone and unplug for a while. It does the mind & body good <3

xxx

<3

V

the union of marriage

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I am grieving the loss of a relationship. One that I really wanted to work out. And now I’m sad.

Sad that he didn’t make me feel like the only one.

Disappointed that I hoped so much that that would change.

Sad that I won’t be hearing from him regularly anymore.

Disappointed that I didn’t stop it before it got to this point.

Sad that my own disobedience is what got me here.

Sad that I’ve dated so many people in the past that I have expectations of what I’m looking for in a man and how I want to be treated. Ignorance is bliss, but I’m not ignorant to this.

But on the same hand, he isn’t ready. He never was ready to commit to one person. One woman. One wife. He wasn’t ready to become one with another person.

That’s what marriage is all about. Becoming one. The union of marriage is two people coming together and choosing one another over everyone else. Marrying one person is saying I will love you and serve you and choose you everyday for the rest of my life.

It’s not being enticed by other people. It’s recognizing that every person is made in the image of God and has ups and downs, pros and cons, flaws. Every person has a beautiful soul and mind given to them by God.

Choosing to love just one person means wanting to know them from the inside out. It’s getting to know their heart. It’s focusing on only them. It’s not putting your eggs in several different baskets in case it doesn’t work out. It’s putting your heart on the line and trusting and believing that the person you’re giving your heart to will love you back.

Lord Jesus, I am so sorry and sad that I disobeyed you and tried to make my own way with this individual. You didn’t want me to go that day because you knew he wasn’t right for me. I injected myself into his life and tried to change him and save him and make him fit for me and it didn’t work. And now I am so, so sad. Your Holy Spirit is a rescuer. You rescued me and challenged me to obey you this weekend. And so last night I did. I broke it off with him. It was time. Oh Lord. Thank you for rescuing me. For caring for me. For showing me the way in which I should go.

Lord I pray for clarity. I ask you to give me clarity in Jesus’ name. To help me see you in this situation. Reveal anything to me that I need to work on, confess for, repent of, and work towards. I am your vessel and recognize that I am not my own. Help me to serve you better and seek Your kingdom and Your righteousness first and foremost. 

Amen.

xxx

<3

V

dear somebody

Published on by Velvet2 Comments

my weakness

is physical touch

so i can’t be around you in certain settings

because I refuse to fall trap to

my weakness

is not as strong as it used to be

but my humanity

has yet to disappear completely

until Jesus returns

I still must guard myself against

my weakness

is to have the unobtainable

to chase the forbidden

is to obsess over the hypothetical

and it eats me

it devours me

when i let the

anxiety

fester and multiply

but i didn’t try to let it

i prayed and waited

i cried out and stated

my desire for peace

my desire to move on

i asked the Lord to give me a new song

a new song

a song of waiting

a song of praise and thanksgiving

a  song of trust and forgiving

a song of truly, fully living

not being shackled by chains of “what ifs”

not being halted by what could or couldn’t be

not dwelling on things I can’t control

but it’s my default mindset to want to know

it’s the in-between, the season of uncertainty

that blurs my vision and traps me in inefficiency

my gears stop turning and i’m fixed on some reality

that only operates in the realm of a hopeful fallacy

but hey

it might not be fallacy

that’s the hope for a control freak like me

there’s always the “could be” that I struggle with waiting for

as I’m constantly checking my phone even though i swore

i wouldn’t for 2 hours but it’s only been minutes

because i convince myself i missed it

shoot i know i must have

and then the other side of me says

naww i think i was wrong

it was never the way i thought it was all along

so i go back to singing a new song

and think if i had been different so would my circumstance

if only i’d _____________________

then you’d have given me a chance

lies i can’t begin to figure out even if i tried

but i do, and i fail

because God only knows

why you would or wouldn’t reach out

since it’s all in His timing

and He’s got somebody lined up for me

and i hope it’s you

everytime

i believe it is

is that a crime

?

i love taken the broken and making it beautiful

believing in things that don’t deserve a second glance

because while there is breath there is hope

and all things can be made new

and the effort is worth it

always, always

even if for a moment’s satisfaction

a flicker of beauty

a spark of joy

.

so the open door beckons

and i go to it and step out

and i think i see you up ahead

i think i hear you call my name

as i get closer it might be a game

as i get closer it might be for naught

but there’s hope

a chance

and if nothing else

we danced a dance

of communication

and feeling out

each person looking

each person wondering

each person hoping

each person waiting

<3

so Lord help me wait. Help me improve on the waiting. Help me not halt my life while I wait. Help me work while I wait. Help me worship while I wait. Help me worship and work. While I wait. Make me consistently faithful and dedicated. Not conditionally dedicated under certain circumstances of feeling loved or wanted. Thank you that You always love me and always want me. <3 

Mi maestro

Mi amigo mejor

Mi Padre eternal

xxx

V

the apple of your eye

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when did you become the apple of my eye

when did you become my heart’s desire

when did seeing you pay attention to other people bring fire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

she doesn’t even like you, I say

she doesn’t care like I do, I spit

I’ve thought about you a little too much and I need to go to bed now

fruitless is this

fruitless

…

I can see

how so many

get caught up with

the romantics

it’s a lie

that it would satisfy

that cup was never meant to be touched

now you’re spending your life trying to fill it back up

…………………..

…………………

…………………..

meanwhile

you’re so cautious

standing back, anticipating the next move

moving slowly

doing nothing you might regret

saying nothing suggestive

strange

how comfortable it makes me feel

not having to worry about pressure

not having to perform

not having to wonder whether you like me or not

i know you do, or you wouldn’t show up

you wouldn’t invite me

you wouldn’t come

you wouldn’t reach out

you wouldn’t respond

but you do 

and when I haven’t heard from you in a while, I miss you

but then you appear again and I inhale a sigh of relief

 

my lymph nodes are starting to get sore, which is a sign that I am exhausted

I *did* get up at 4:30 in Orlando this morning to catch my flight. It is now midnight.

Lord help me sleep soundly and restore my body. And please restore my mind and heart and make me a living sacrifice for you; not getting distracted by so many and so much. I am Yours.

xxx

<3

V

remember when

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you were fifteen and i was 14 and we talked late into the night every night

i watched and waited for you to start typing a response

on AOL instant messenger

“A-I-M” or AIM

we talked back and forth every day. every night. for hours. a relationship.

i liked you

you like me

but you were dating someone else

but you were dating me

you were

and we met every day during 2nd block. i had first lunch and you had second lunch. but i skipped part of class most days to spend 2nd lunch walking with you

and you walked close to me

and you put your arm around me

and it felt so nice

but i knew you were with someone else

so there was always that longing

that desire

and we walked around town. and we played basketball. and you bit my arm. ha ha

i thought you were going to kiss me

but i didn’t know what i would have done if you did

but we carried on in this way

we started talking on the phone

and i said i was going to drive to your house

it was 1:00 in the morning.

i was going to get into my dad’s car

and drive it to your house

i thought about it

contemplated it

almost did it

you dared me

we went back and forth

you tempted me

i wanted to prove you wrong

i wanted to see you

thank God i never went.

but i wanted you to do the same for me

i wanted you to drive to me

but you didn’t.

you still had a girlfriend

boy was i thick

talking to a guy like you

who would talk to a girl behind his girlfriend’s back

some of the things you said to me

are burned into my memory

forever

i loved you

you were interested in me

you cared about me

you spent time with me

you complimented me

and i wanted to be with you

but thought it would never happen

until one day.

you wanted to hang out after school. so we walked around in the woods behind the school.

and sat down on a log

and you held my hand

and you said

“Velvet

…

should I break up with her?”

and

I

didn’t

say

“yes”

…

I couldn’t

say anything

except

“I can’t tell you what to do”

over and over

that’s all I could say

every time you asked me

I wanted you to know

I wanted you to be sure already

I didn’t want you to blame me in the future

if it didn’t work out

and you regretted leaving her

 

plus you wanted security

you wanted to know that I wanted you

you didn’t have faith

you didn’t trust that I would have you

you were trying to set up a relationship with me in advance

so you didn’t have to be alone

 

we stopped talking after that

the long conversations came to an end

the late nights were no more

sad

i was so sad

but the chase was my pursuit

i didn’t trust you either

i say these things in retrospect but if you had asked me to be your girlfriend that day, I would have said yes

funny thing is

12 years later

you are still with her

the same girl

now woman

and i am glad.

i’m so glad.

and if you’re reading this

I hope y’all get married

what sweet love has grown

with two young souls

so young

but God

I pray

you aren’t doing to her now

what you did to her back then

by sowing seeds

in the wrong soil

attention will never satisfy

the pursuit

the chase

will never satisfy

the longing

the desire

the hope

the dream

the thought

the idea

of you and i

is always more glamorous

than the reality

when the game is called “winning someone”

strange

the stories we remember

on days that the moon is full

xxx

<3

V

 

 

one more thing

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it’s almost 1 am but I just have to tell you

 

I’ve been watching for you out my window.

ever since you went by that one day.

and i waved.

and you waved back

but after i waved

i ducked down and hid underneath my windowsill

and your hair stuck out from beneath your hat

and your smile remained unfamiliar to me

but your wave stayed with me all these years and I hugged it like a children hugs his favorite blanket

you didn’t know who I was but probably had an idea

and that wave felt so brave but my ducking negated the bravery I think

 

and now many many moons later, I watch for you again

but you aren’t the same person

I’m in a new place, you see

and you don’t live in this place

but someone just like you does.

someone unfamiliar

someone interesting

someone with potential

someone unknown

someone new

someone bright

someone

someone.

so I watch for you and wait for you and recently you were around

though not for very long

and I didn’t do my best to ensure you stayed. but that’s not my job

and in this situation: what willl be willl be.

good night <3

1:00am

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ahh

I’ve missed being here. But I’ve been purposefully avoiding writing so I didn’t say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Timing is everything

Timing

Time

Clocking hours at work. The more time I spend here, the more $$$ I get.

But time is so precious. There’s only so much free time… And I like to use it carefully. But I don’t always. Lots of times I squander my time

And then wonder where it went.

“Where did the time go?!” I like saying that when I am overloaded with unaccomplished tasks.

Or perhaps when something is sooooooo fun and I don’t want it to end.

Like dancing. I never want dancing to end! And the time just goes! Just flies by. I never look at the clock when I’m dancing. Unlike when I’m working. Or when I used to be in school and the time would drip slowly by like a slow-forming droplet on a leaky faucet

drip

.

.

.

drip

.

.

.

drip

.

.

.

Time used to drag on by a lot. Not now though. Time seems to fly by. Days and weeks cascade down the waterfall of my life with rushing force; while the pool of my dreams and desires overflows over the riverbanks and spills over into smaller pools nearby. When will I get to all of the things I want to accomplish.

“I don’t have time” I told my cousin today when she asked me how the book was coming along.

My pastor asked me the same thing the other day to which I replied “it seems that maybe God doesn’t want me to focus on the book right now because my plate is full… I just can’t find the time”.

I don’t think I’ve ever gone on looking for time like I’ve looked for my phone charger. If only it were a tangible item that I could stack up and keep in boxes or on shelves and access the store whenever I was running low or running out. Then I could trade it with other people for other things if they were desperate. Though I’m not sure what I would want to trade it for. Maybe love

Aren’t those the most important things. Time and love.

Time to have to spend with those you love, or to spend doing the things you love doing.

Though love would not be an easy trade, even if someone really needed the time. But what would that love look like anyway. Trading love.

I could think of a few unbecoming ways but wouldn’t actually trade time for that kind of love.

Real love is what I say I want but I’m not sure that’s what my heart actually wants.

Because real love waits until the proper time to be accessed. Selfish, self-centered, self-seeking “love” is not real love at all.

Real love trusts God, and is given by God.

Real love doesn’t pressure.

Real love forgives and doesn’t hold grudges.

Real love is flexible and willing to change.

Real love is dynamic. Like dancing.

Dancing is dynamic. Dancing is alive.

Real love is alive too.

Real love sacrifices.

Real love considers the other person higher than themselves.

Real love serves.

I say I want real love … but my heart tells a different story.

A story of wanting to be loved. But maybe not to really love.

Time and love.

If that’s what it’s all about, then real love must be worth waiting for. Love with the right person.

Don’t settle for just anyone. Some people are so ready to hurry up and get married that they don’t care who it’s with. Not I. I care. I know that much. Though I wish it were soon or I wish it was known that I would find it or that it would find me.

How much time do I spend thinking about love.

How much time do I spend thinking about me?

I would like to focus my energies and efforts elsewhere.

Lord, please stretch my time and focus my heart on the tasks that you’ve set before me. Help me perform well at whatever “post” you set me at. Help me fulfill my duties and help me not be distracted by the schemes of the evil one. Help me resist temptation and remember why you placed me in the places that you placed me in. Help me remember that it was You that placed me because you know better where I need to be and how I ought to be using my gifts. Help me not squander my gifts; and in asking that, I ask you to help me not squander my time that I could be using towards making use of the gifts you’ve given me. Amen.

Time for bed. 1:29. Gotta get some good sleep so I can have a great week.

Thank you Lord for rest and this bed and my laptop and so many opportunities coming up to enjoy this life and keep my eyes on the Lord as I worship, work and wait.

xoxoxo

<3

V

performing

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for anyone is a waste of energy and a mistake. It is absolutely exhausting to try to perform for other people. And the saddest part about the whole thing is that people can see right through you. Most people, I mean. Because eventually you won’t be able to keep it up. Or, they will just get sick of your fakeness because it is not life-giving. It actually robs you and them of life. It’s counterfeit and wasteful.

Golly

I spent years putting on a face. Holding my breath. Being stiff. And now I’m learning how to relax. Being a practiced eggshell walker is difficult. It’s time and energy consuming and quite stressful. It’s like walking through a room full of lasers where you have to go to great lengths to hold your breath and tip-toe juuuuuuuuuust right so you don’t set off an alarm.

Avoiding setting off an alarm. That’s stressful. Being soooo careful. On edge. On alert. On the edge of your seat, the edge of a cliff. Feeling in danger, and like things could go haywire at any point.

That’s how I spent most of my life growing up. Performing, holding my breath. Trying to appear like I was more together than I was. Pretending to know what people were talking about instead of saying “I’m so sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about, could you please explain that?”. Asking a question like that and explaining it took way too much effort though. It was almost easier in a way to pretend and go along with whatever the other person was saying. Unfortunately, this ends up leading to much bigger messes pretty much every time.

Hmm.

I’m still learning. Have come a long way, but am definitely still learning.

So back to not performing. When I get out and serve others and don’t have a chance to sit around and mope about myself and my flaws I tend to perform less because I don’t have time to overthink everything that I am saying and doing or what I overthink I should be saying or doing.

Rugged cycle. Praise God for pulling me out of that. Out of those lies that swam in my head lap after lap without ceasing. Back and forth, under, over. Always crossing my mind and reminding me of how tired I was.

Not anymore though. I have incredible amounts of energy now that I’m not performing anymore. It takes energy to perform. To act. To be someone you are not. It’s much easier to be yourself. Flaws and all. I am happy to be me, and know that God uses me specifically every day in thousands of different ways that I can’t even begin to figure out.

Not performing. It feels good…….. I am not there yet though; don’t get me wrong. I still find myself wanting to perform for somebody so they will like me, love me, approve of me, accept me. Funny concept though; since when I STOP performing I am liked much more. When I stop focusing on mySELF and start focusing on GOD I am more confident, more fun, more joy-filled, energetic and in a good place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically to serve other people. Your mind, body and soul are all connected. There’s no question about it.

How you feel and how you act are connected. If you feel down in the dumps, you may want to rest or sleep or sulk and be alone. Then let’s say your crush walks in the room. Are you going to continue to mope around, or are you gonna lift your head up and smile and be aware of how you’re acting. The latter is definitely the case. We want to impress and be likeable so we can be liked.

Sometimes in order to act better, we need to feel better. Sometimes in order to feel better, we need to act differently; by pouring out to other people and finding someone else to serve than your Self.

It’s rewarding. OH so rewarding.

Still praisin’ God for my job; still amazed at God’s goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and love and compassion for me. I thank Him for giving me tasks to do that focus me on others instead of just me.

More later. I’ve hit a WALL of tired.

STOP PERFORMING AND GO TO BED VELVET

xxxx <3 V

Perfume

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This morning I sprayed on the perfume I used to wear two years ago and thought of you immediately.

I felt your touch for a moment and remembered what you said to me that night.

I remember how we both looked out hopefully across the water and thought about what the future could look like.

I remember how I pined for information from you but you weren’t ready to share.

We weren’t ready for each other. I don’t know if we ever will be.

london night lights bridge
Photo by Uncoated on Pexels.com

I try to figure out and know who will be him.

Who are you?

Where is the man I will wear perfume for for the rest of my life and not have to worry about shunning a scent when things go south.

I think that’s why I don’t wear the perfume anymore. In fact, I know that’s why. I can’t bear to think of you anymore.

But one day I will think of you.

Not “you” per se, but him.

I will think of him and know him.

I will love him. <3

<3 V

I’m in love with the idea of you

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Yes that’s it, the idea of you. Red hair, ribbons and Russian roulette

I must be in love with the idea of you; smokestack cologne I’m not soon to forget

I think I’m in love with the idea of you, cute face, boy crazed I watch your eyes

The idea of you smells-strong-tastes-sweet like rain beneath the silver skies

The idea of you sits beside me in my room and on the couch at night

The idea of you speaks flattery into the ear on my left and right

The idea of you is the ideal you and idealized men lie to my heart

You come when I want you to and leave when I want you to and say words that cater to every demand

But I can only call on the idea of you and don’t receive any calls

The idea of you screams and shouts affirmation and gives me kisses and applause

What’s wrong with this idea of you; or perhaps I should ask what could be right?

Part of me wishes the idea of you would challenge me to a verbal fight

So I bury the idea of you under muffintops and indigestion

Minor abrasions and adult discretion

A short walk towards God with only minor progression

I’m sorry Lord for the ideas of him

I’m afraid the idol has taken a stand

I’ve raised my head and my two open hands

I’ve memorized the future and potential plans

All according to the idea of him where wit and whim and whimsy thrive

Where thrice times two plus one is You alone and only forevermore

Lord I just didn’t want to be alone where dark and dim is my mood and heart

Lord I promise I do trust You and nothing can keep your love apart

Why would I worship the idea of him when I have a lover of my soul

A half that makes my own half whole

And I never have to feel alone

Alone is sometimes emptiness and sometimes busy wired trouble

Alone speaks lies and taunts my eyes

And makes me question if I’m seeing double

Alone I’m not, with me you are and ideal him doesn’t seem close

But the idea of him keeps tempting me and sparking interest where it intrigues me most

Misty air when clouds pass over

Dim my senses til October

Summer’s here but I wish it over

What’s the point if I’m alone

The lies pour in like rain pours out

And leaves me drenched in pools of doubt

Though on my solid Rock I stand

And I open up my lonely hands

While friends will bear their wedding bands

Where friends relate to me their demands

While the idea of you is love to me

Though I know that I’m where I should be

Yes the idea of you is pleasantry

But apart from you I know I’m free

Thank you Lord for protecting me

And making me the woman I’m supposed to be

Thank you Lord for directing me

Pursuing me & collecting me

For teaching me that love is only

Demonstrated perfectly

Through you alone, through you today

Today I beckon, today I praise.