my weakness

is physical touch

so i can’t be around you in certain settings

because I refuse to fall trap to

my weakness

is not as strong as it used to be

but my humanity

has yet to disappear completely

until Jesus returns

I still must guard myself against

my weakness

is to have the unobtainable

to chase the forbidden

is to obsess over the hypothetical

and it eats me

it devours me

when i let the

anxiety

fester and multiply

but i didn’t try to let it

i prayed and waited

i cried out and stated

my desire for peace

my desire to move on

i asked the Lord to give me a new song

a new song

a song of waiting

a song of praise and thanksgiving

a  song of trust and forgiving

a song of truly, fully living

not being shackled by chains of “what ifs”

not being halted by what could or couldn’t be

not dwelling on things I can’t control

but it’s my default mindset to want to know

it’s the in-between, the season of uncertainty

that blurs my vision and traps me in inefficiency

my gears stop turning and i’m fixed on some reality

that only operates in the realm of a hopeful fallacy

but hey

it might not be fallacy

that’s the hope for a control freak like me

there’s always the “could be” that I struggle with waiting for

as I’m constantly checking my phone even though i swore

i wouldn’t for 2 hours but it’s only been minutes

because i convince myself i missed it

shoot i know i must have

and then the other side of me says

naww i think i was wrong

it was never the way i thought it was all along

so i go back to singing a new song

and think if i had been different so would my circumstance

if only i’d _____________________

then you’d have given me a chance

lies i can’t begin to figure out even if i tried

but i do, and i fail

because God only knows

why you would or wouldn’t reach out

since it’s all in His timing

and He’s got somebody lined up for me

and i hope it’s you

everytime

i believe it is

is that a crime

?

i love taken the broken and making it beautiful

believing in things that don’t deserve a second glance

because while there is breath there is hope

and all things can be made new

and the effort is worth it

always, always

even if for a moment’s satisfaction

a flicker of beauty

a spark of joy

.

so the open door beckons

and i go to it and step out

and i think i see you up ahead

i think i hear you call my name

as i get closer it might be a game

as i get closer it might be for naught

but there’s hope

a chance

and if nothing else

we danced a dance

of communication

and feeling out

each person looking

each person wondering

each person hoping

each person waiting

<3

so Lord help me wait. Help me improve on the waiting. Help me not halt my life while I wait. Help me work while I wait. Help me worship while I wait. Help me worship and work. While I wait. Make me consistently faithful and dedicated. Not conditionally dedicated under certain circumstances of feeling loved or wanted. Thank you that You always love me and always want me. <3 

Mi maestro

Mi amigo mejor

Mi Padre eternal

xxx

V