for anyone is a waste of energy and a mistake. It is absolutely exhausting to try to perform for other people. And the saddest part about the whole thing is that people can see right through you. Most people, I mean. Because eventually you won’t be able to keep it up. Or, they will just get sick of your fakeness because it is not life-giving. It actually robs you and them of life. It’s counterfeit and wasteful.


I spent years putting on a face. Holding my breath. Being stiff. And now I’m learning how to relax. Being a practiced eggshell walker is difficult. It’s time and energy consuming and quite stressful. It’s like walking through a room full of lasers where you have to go to great lengths to hold your breath and tip-toe juuuuuuuuuust right so you don’t set off an alarm.

Avoiding setting off an alarm. That’s stressful. Being soooo careful. On edge. On alert. On the edge of your seat, the edge of a cliff. Feeling in danger, and like things could go haywire at any point.

That’s how I spent most of my life growing up. Performing, holding my breath. Trying to appear like I was more together than I was. Pretending to know what people were talking about instead of saying “I’m so sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about, could you please explain that?”. Asking a question like that and explaining it took way too much effort though. It was almost easier in a way to pretend and go along with whatever the other person was saying. Unfortunately, this ends up leading to much bigger messes pretty much every time.


I’m still learning. Have come a long way, but am definitely still learning.

So back to not performing. When I get out and serve others and don’t have a chance to sit around and mope about myself and my flaws I tend to perform less because I don’t have time to overthink everything that I am saying and doing or what I overthink I should be saying or doing.

Rugged cycle. Praise God for pulling me out of that. Out of those lies that swam in my head lap after lap without ceasing. Back and forth, under, over. Always crossing my mind and reminding me of how tired I was.

Not anymore though. I have incredible amounts of energy now that I’m not performing anymore. It takes energy to perform. To act. To be someone you are not. It’s much easier to be yourself. Flaws and all. I am happy to be me, and know that God uses me specifically every day in thousands of different ways that I can’t even begin to figure out.

Not performing. It feels good…….. I am not there yet though; don’t get me wrong. I still find myself wanting to perform for somebody so they will like me, love me, approve of me, accept me. Funny concept though; since when I STOP performing I am liked much more. When I stop focusing on mySELF and start focusing on GOD I am more confident, more fun, more joy-filled, energetic and in a good place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically to serve other people. Your mind, body and soul are all connected. There’s no question about it.

How you feel and how you act are connected. If you feel down in the dumps, you may want to rest or sleep or sulk and be alone. Then let’s say your crush walks in the room. Are you going to continue to mope around, or are you gonna lift your head up and smile and be aware of how you’re acting. The latter is definitely the case. We want to impress and be likeable so we can be liked.

Sometimes in order to act better, we need to feel better. Sometimes in order to feel better, we need to act differently; by pouring out to other people and finding someone else to serve than your Self.

It’s rewarding. OH so rewarding.

Still praisin’ God for my job; still amazed at God’s goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and love and compassion for me. I thank Him for giving me tasks to do that focus me on others instead of just me.

More later. I’ve hit a WALL of tired.


xxxx <3 V

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