Tag: random

Where do I even start?

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

Hello wordpress world. I have missed you. I traveled up north to New England a week and a half ago to visit family and go to my sister’s high school graduation and I just got back this morning. I had a red-eye flight and had to be at the airport at 4:30AM.

It’s funny because I expect the airport to be quiet-ish at that time of day. But no, it’s super busy. And people were laughing and smiling and cracking jokes. And I was naht. I was on the same page as my Uber driver. He was quiet, and I too was quiet.

I sorta slept on the plane. The nodding-your-head every few minutes type of sleeping that is proof that I was actually asleep. Although I’m surprised that I didn’t get whiplash from all the times my head jerked up after I fell asleep. Thoughts of contemplating buying one of those neck pillows… Hmm someone just told me the other day they don’t work very well. Oh well!

So I’m back in my abode. And have eaten, slept, went on a nap and took care of a couple things for a couple people. Soon I will shower, clean my room and make my bed, and then possibly go over to one of my best friend’s houses for dinner with her and other good friends. Then I will go to work. Then I will sleep and go to work again tomorrow.

 

As I was on my walk I thought about the nice things that people have done for me. Two Sundays ago in church I was in desperate need of coffee. I hadn’t made any that morning because I was going to Sunday school for the first time in a while and knew they always have coffee. Well that Sunday they ran out. So then I went down to the Welcome Desk where I serve once a month. As I was talking to my co-server he told me there was a coffee cart behind the sanctuary and to go find it and grab some coffee. I went back there and the cart had already been taken away.

When I got back to the desk he told me there was a reception after church and there should be coffee there. I went to church and waited eagerly for coffee. On the Sundays that I serve at the Welcome Desk I leave the service a few minutes early and go back to the desk to answer any questions or give out information to people as they’re leaving church. When I got to the desk there was a 20oz coffee from 7-Eleven with my name on it. Apparently my co-server inquired about whether or not there would be coffee at the reception and when he found out there wouldn’t be, he went to the store and got me some. 😀 🙂 It was an awesome act of kindness. Girl’s gotta have dat caffeine nawmean?

<3

 

Then earlier today I was getting coffee with my cousin and we were talking about work because we’re both care-giving for one of the same ladies and she was going to cover me tonight since I just got back from my trip but after describing her crazy schedule I told her I would do it. And then she ended up saying she would give me the tube of organic mascara that I had ordered through her company for FREE because she wanted to do something nice for me. I was like yoo you don’t have to do that. And she said “I know, just like you didn’t have to offer to work tonight”. So that was awesome <3

You know, life is good. And our God takes care of His children. I’ve been in a bit of a funk with all the traveling I’ve been doing and having a bit of a rough time, but when I stop to count my blessings and reflect on all of the goodness in this broken world, I change my focus from what’s wrong to what’s right. I change my focus from one of focusing inward to one of focusing outward.

Also, when I got home from walking there was a bouquet of flowers waiting for me. Which I was expecting-ish? I knew I was getting something fresh because I knew I had to be at home for the delivery of this previously unknown item but I thought well, it’s either flowers or cake or something. And I knew it would come today or tomorrow. It was today.

 

It was roses. And irises. And a tiny little purple flower that I don’t know the name of. And I’m going to go take a shower now because I need to think.

Count your blessings. <3

xxx

V

words ‘n puns

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

Things on my mind this morning:

Butterkase: also known as “butter cheese” or “ladies cheese” is a German cheese known for its’ mild flavor. My cousin and I enjoyed some of this in our fondue the other night. Also, I’m eating butter practically by the stick this morning. Just craving the fat I guess. Lol. Also, my cream curdled in my coffee when I poured it in 🙁

Curdling is definitely not like cuddling. Cuddling cream embraces the coffee and intertwines with its’ chemical structure. The two become one almost instantaneously after a beautiful cloud of creamy glory cascades down into the blissful ebony abyss of my coffee mug.

Curdling cream, however, doesn’t change the color of cofffee. It settles on the top of the mug and pretends to have changed things positively. But instead it separates into tiny little flakes of curdledness. Curdled cream is shy like a turtle going inside it’s shell. It doesn’t take the full plunge to blend with the coffee. It’s very superficial. Curdle turtle

Another thought about coffee: one of the most favoritist (don’t care that this isn’t a word) things one of my best friends ever said after spilling some dry coffee grounds on my rug was: “vacuum this up. Don’t add water cuz, you know, coffee” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Every time I think of that it makes me laugh.

Welp, it’s Saturday a.m. and I gots to start work in approximately 13 minutes. As Spongebob would say, IIIIIIIIIII’M READY, I’M READY! lol

I guess I’m ready. I’m not as excited as Spongebob, that’s for sure, but it’s going to be a good day today. At work today, I’m getting a special visitor who’s coming to say goodbye. Yes guys, it’s my most recent ex. But we’re cool, honestly. We’re chill. It’ll be nice to see him before he moves away (later today). Not too far though y’all. Just 3 hours North.

Then I’m working til 6. Then a BBQ. Then…….. a…………

 

DANCE PARTY!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 WOOT WOOT!

For real. At my friend’s house. On their patio. It’s called a “sunset patio party’. So romantic. Salsa dancing btw

Aight shoot guys, time for work. Coffee with curdled cream doesn’t actually taste that bad btw. Please don’t judge me. LOVE MEEEEEE

Good day! 🙂
<3

xxx

V

 

hello writing world

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

Again, I say hello.

I’m not sure what all I’m going to write about in this post.

Perhaps loneliness. It seems that as I dwell on the fact that I’m now single I get sad. But when then I remember the why part of my single state and then am quite humbled and the sadness quickly dissipates.

See, this guy and I were never meant to be more than buds. Buddies. Pals.

00buddyguy

Ha ha yoooo

I used to watch South Park back in high school when I was a stoner and smoked lots of pot. Those days are far behind me, praise God. BUT this episode always cracked me up.

Anyway.

I was just about to type something along the lines of: “when you meet your future husband/wife, it’ll be like magnetism. You just won’t be able to get enough of that person”. But no, that’s definitely not always true. A friend of a friend didn’t like the man she ended up marrying a year and a half (or something like that) years later.

Love is unpredictable.

I was hopeful with this one. I am hopeful with all of them. It’s a blessing and a curse. People advised me against this one, but I didn’t listen. I hoped and believed it would work. Things would get better.

And some things did get better… but other things remained the same, and still others rose to the surface.

But that’s life. And I know I am about half to blame. I chose things that weren’t good for me. I acted in ways that were selfish. I didn’t keep proper boundaries around resting enough. As a result I was extra emotional because of how tired I was.

However.

I didn’t feel like I could trust this dude fully. I know I wasn’t the only girl that he was talking to and that was a problem for me. Now guys, before you jump down my back and say “WOW DUH FOOL YA SHOULD DUMPED HIS BUTT FROM THE START *@&#$*&#” hear this: I had grace for him. He and I had different beliefs about guys and girls being able to be friends or not (I think not) and had never dated before. So it was a……………………. learning experience. For both of us. I learned that in my future relationship, I don’t want to date someone with no dating experience. But actually, that isn’t even a problem. The problem was really that he wasn’t ready to pursue a marriage. He wasn’t ready to commit to one woman for the rest of his life. He didn’t realize what that truly meant, and it was obvious.

One of my favorite quotes when it comes to godly dating is this:

“one day, when you’re chasing God with all your heart, you’re going to look over one day and see your future man running just as hard after God as you are”.

I can’t remember who said it for the life of me. And that also isn’t the exact quote. But the concept remains the same.

Chase God.

Seek God.

If you’re a christian, your future husband or wife has to seek and value God above you and your relationship.

God has to be number one.

The fellow whom I just got out of a relationship with was a believer, but wasn’t walking closely with the Lord. In other words, he wasn’t seeking the Lord with his whole heart or prioritizing his relationship with the Lord. And when a person is not right with God, other things in life don’t line up either.

Not saying even if he were right with the Lord we were right for each other. I can’t say that about before and I can’t say that now because only God knows. Part of me wants to sit around and mull it over in my mind a million different ways to comfort myself. Fact of the matter is, the cards played out the way that they did, and the Holy Spirit said “no”. The Holy Spirit said “it’s not right”. The Holy Spirit said “it’s time for y’all to end this thang.

And so I did. Reluctantly, but I still did.

And feel more at peace than I have in a long time.

I’m also thanking God because this fellow is seeking the Lord hard now. I praise God for this, and pray that he continues to seek the Lord hard for the rest of his days.

There is still a part of me that hopes it might work out. But God will be the judge of that. He is the one who brings people together, and it will be Him who brings my future husband and I together; whomever it may be.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. <3

So now I go. And sip chardonnay. And read books that are good for my soul. And maybe eat the neglected piece of bread that I forgot to eat with my dinner of fried eggs and sauteed mushrooms and onions.

8:00pm. Too early for bed. This night owl has to hoot and holler for at least 3 more hours before I’ll be tired enough for bed. I’ve definitely gotten into the routine. Tomorrow’s gonna be a late one too.

So I bid thee farewell. And urge you, dear reader, to talk about your feelings with your partner as you’re feeling them. Communicate what’s wrong, communicate what’s right. Talk about what you could do better, talk about the direction you both are going in together.

Whether you’re dating or married, the goal is oneness. Unity. Two becoming one.

I may have just gulped that last bit of chard. Ahh, there’s always more. Or maybe a break would be beneficial to my emotional state of mind. P’haps a nice walk.

I just ate the bread. Plain. With no butter or honey or jam.

This post is just going to get more and more boring if I continue on. I MUST end it immediately!

Thanks for reading.

Arrivederci

🙂

V

 

minutes tick by

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

and I check to see if you have messaged me back.

Why should I?

Habit, I suppose. I’ve gotten used to hearing from you often. And now that I’m not hearing from you as much, I miss you.

I miss hearing your notification sound go off. I don’t think I ever told you, but you had your own sound. A special tone that told me who it was. It was you.

Though I don’t hear it often anymore. Yet I’ll admit, whenever I do, my heart does a little flip. I perk up a bit and get excited.

I read your messages and miss you more.

I’m holding onto hope, I realize. Could it work out between us in the future? Could there ever be a future for us? Romantically, of course. Dating-wise, of course. A high-functioning, partnering, Christ-like relationship.

I don’t know. All I know is that it isn’t now. Now was not right. The Holy Spirit was convicting me whenever we were apart, that that’s where we were to stay.

It was when we were together that I was confused. I liked what I saw and I liked what I felt, and I convinced myself that the Holy Spirit must have been lying. God must have been bending the truth.

I even believed that it wasn’t God at all who was speaking to me to end things. I convinced myself that it was hormones. It must’ve been my body that was all jacked up, and that is why I keep going back and forth about breaking up with you.

Lord Jesus… how come so much of your daily mercies go unnoticed, yet your mercy comes alive to me better when you allow me to go thru a trial such as this? I wish your sovereignty would have prevented me from ever dating this person. I wish your hand would’ve prevented me from getting close to him and starting to care about him. Though there’s no going back now. There’s only forward moving. Either forward moving, or staying in one place. I choose to go forward in faith. 

What now?

I’ll tell you where I can’t live. That’s in a place of doubt. In a place where I keep wondering if I did the right thing

Pause

Can you believe that I just checked my messages in the middle of typing this post?

And even backed up and read old message exchanges too?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wwwwwwwwwwwwwwell.

Ha :/

10:11. Believe it or NAWHT I’m going to bed right now.

Goodnight everyone. Turn off your phone and unplug for a while. It does the mind & body good <3

xxx

<3

V

1:58 AM

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

and I am awake again. But that’s because….

Okay, I could honestly always come up with a “but that’s because” whenever I want to justify staying up late. And I know I jeeeeeeeeest wrote that daggone post about needing to sleep and rest and how sleep deprivation makes me cray etc etc etc

ha.

But I can explain.

I was having a much needed conversation with someone very important to me. We talked for 5 hours straight. I am not surprised by this because that’s what we have always done. Time flies when I’m with this person.

We had a real talk where we told each other the truth about how we felt. I had been worried because I knew I was going to see this person tonight and I was scared they would act indifferent around me. I thought they would act like they didn’t care.

However, it was the opposite.

They were the most caring and affectionate and focused I have ever seen them before. Not to say they have never been affectionate or caring or focused. But they were doubly so tonight. Triply. Quadrupley.

“Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone?” Joni Mitchells

We strengthened a bridge tonight. Truth was spoken. Authentic vulnerability was displayed.

I feel lighter. I feel better. I feel freer. I feel peaceful. I trust the process.

I trust God’s process.

<3

And it’s now 2:10 AM

BUT

I don’t have to start work at any particular time in the morning.

I have a lunch date at 12/1230 (can’t remember which!) and then another client at 2. Then swimming (GOD WILLING) then a coffee date with a girlfriend. Then a dinner date with another girlfriend. Praise God for good friends and good food and a flexible schedule!

Not to mention, I don’t have my night shift tomorrow night! And all I have on Thursday is work 12-3, and 8:30-12.

HOLLA!

<3

God is good. God is gracious. All good and perfect gifts come from Him <3 🙂

MMK  time for sleep.

Good night y’all 🙂

xxx

V

 

12:49 am

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

and I should be sleeping right now. For the past 9 months this has been the story of my life. Ever since I started salsa dancing and staying out way too late, and also the beginning of one of my jobs caregiving for a night owl. So I go to bed late often. Usually it’s my own choice though. I have nobody else to blame but myself. Especially on nights that I go dancing and choose to either (A) stay in the parking lot talking and hanging out for hours on end or (B) stay at whatever event or club til ~2 in the morning and then hang out after til 3, 4, 5, or even 6:00AM.

Crazy talk.

9 months of crazy.

That’s the amount of time it takes for the human body to grow a baby.

So if these past 9 months of my life was growing a baby, that baby would be:

sleep deprivation, lack of clarity, stress, distraction, nap-time, procrastination, not being dependable, not performing at the top of my game, missing things because I was too tired to do them.

A trusted friend and mentor told me the other day that they were concerned for me. I asked why and she said “you don’t seem as level headed as you used to”.

I know she’s right.

That’s what not getting enough rest does to a person.

It makes a 26-year-old adult into a crying baby. A 9-month old, just-born, crybaby. That’s how I feel often.

Can’t get muh crap together. Am hasty/impulsive with my decision-making. Experiencing some anger. Selfish.

………

When she said that to me it was a wake-up call. Even though I don’t need to be woken up, I need to go to sleep. Ba-dum-CHHHHHHHHHHHH 😀 😉

For realsies though, I don’t want to be this way anymore. I want to get more rest. I want to be more dependable.  I want to perform well in all that I do.

So I am going to stick to my boundaries. And if I can’t do it, I’m going to ask somebody to keep me accountable for going to bed earlier. I am adamant about changing. I want to be more productive. I want to have more clarity. I want to rest in the Lord more. I want to be used by Him in all the ways possible. I have to do my part and take care of myself. I have to take care of this temple, my body, that He made me into when He gave me new life.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

 

<3

So I prayed to God and asked Him to help me get more rest. And today I found out that one of my clients doesn’t need me to do her Wednesday night shift anymore. PRAISE GOD!!!! Now I will get good sleep on Wednesday nights and won’t be exhausted all day Thursday anymore! Praise the Lord!!!!!! I love quick answers to prayer.

Also I am going to chill at home Friday nights for the most part. Or be home by … 1:00AM if I do go out since I have work on Saturdays. I will give this more thought.

 

Okay, more later.

 

Goodnight y’all.

 

xxx

V

<3

the union of marriage

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

I am grieving the loss of a relationship. One that I really wanted to work out. And now I’m sad.

Sad that he didn’t make me feel like the only one.

Disappointed that I hoped so much that that would change.

Sad that I won’t be hearing from him regularly anymore.

Disappointed that I didn’t stop it before it got to this point.

Sad that my own disobedience is what got me here.

Sad that I’ve dated so many people in the past that I have expectations of what I’m looking for in a man and how I want to be treated. Ignorance is bliss, but I’m not ignorant to this.

But on the same hand, he isn’t ready. He never was ready to commit to one person. One woman. One wife. He wasn’t ready to become one with another person.

That’s what marriage is all about. Becoming one. The union of marriage is two people coming together and choosing one another over everyone else. Marrying one person is saying I will love you and serve you and choose you everyday for the rest of my life.

It’s not being enticed by other people. It’s recognizing that every person is made in the image of God and has ups and downs, pros and cons, flaws. Every person has a beautiful soul and mind given to them by God.

Choosing to love just one person means wanting to know them from the inside out. It’s getting to know their heart. It’s focusing on only them. It’s not putting your eggs in several different baskets in case it doesn’t work out. It’s putting your heart on the line and trusting and believing that the person you’re giving your heart to will love you back.

Lord Jesus, I am so sorry and sad that I disobeyed you and tried to make my own way with this individual. You didn’t want me to go that day because you knew he wasn’t right for me. I injected myself into his life and tried to change him and save him and make him fit for me and it didn’t work. And now I am so, so sad. Your Holy Spirit is a rescuer. You rescued me and challenged me to obey you this weekend. And so last night I did. I broke it off with him. It was time. Oh Lord. Thank you for rescuing me. For caring for me. For showing me the way in which I should go.

Lord I pray for clarity. I ask you to give me clarity in Jesus’ name. To help me see you in this situation. Reveal anything to me that I need to work on, confess for, repent of, and work towards. I am your vessel and recognize that I am not my own. Help me to serve you better and seek Your kingdom and Your righteousness first and foremost. 

Amen.

xxx

<3

V

fresh emotions

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

too raw not to share. The real stuff is always worth reading.

I broke up with him y’all. I had to. I didn’t want to, but I had to.

The Holy Spirit led me to.

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” John 16:13

 

And He told me what to do. And I had to obey. I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t snuff it. I couldn’t push it down. I knew what I had to do and what I had to say. And so I did it.

I sent the message. I said the four words that everyone hates hearing

“we need to talk”

and I know that he knew. We had a similar conversation last Sunday too. I was hoping the feelings would go away. The peace-less-ness. Lol not a word but aye.

They lingered. The lack of peace lingered.

Oh Lord Jesus. I hate break-ups. I hate hurting people. I hate brokenness. I hate heartbreak. Oh Lord it’s so sad when it doesn’t work out. I really wanted it to work. I tried to see past flaws. I tried to focus on positives. I tried to forgive him. I tried to see You in it all. But I didn’t have peace. I knew I had to break it off. I knew. And so I did. And now I’m sad.

Sad.

We talked for two hours. About our relationship and how fun it was. How he learned a lot. How we could’ve done things better. How it was going to be hard to be long-distance anyway. How God has been working. And I prayed for him. I held his hand while I prayed for him and I just about cried doing it. I had to pause for about 15 seconds before I could start the prayer because I was fighting back tears.

And we made jokes…. we wished each other well. He said “I hope you find what you’re looking for”. And I said “I don’t know what I’m looking for. I think I know what I need but God shows me what I actually need”.

I have to believe that God has something better out there for the both of us. A better relationship. A better fit. Two better people, a man and a woman, for me and for him. Two people that will better meet each of our needs.

Oh Lord it’s hard. Especially when he walked me to my car and said “so I guess this is it?” and we hugged. And I cried. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. And he said “I’m going to miss you.” And I wanted to kiss him, but I knew that would’ve confused things. And I wanted to say “I should go before I kiss you” but I knew that we would’ve kissed if I said that. So I kept it to myself, and cried, and trusted you O Lord. 

He asked if he could stop in on Saturday morning at my house and say a final goodbye. I said yes. I’ll be working where I live that morning, and hopefully he comes at a proper time where I can have a few minutes with him.

See I really enjoy his company. We can just be together. He’s sweet and fun and funny. He’s kind and gentle. There are many qualities that he possesses that I love.

But the peace wasn’t there. I knew it wasn’t right. Our relationship seemed superficial.

Superficial. Surface deep. Looks pretty on the outside. But I didn’t feel that connection with him. That deep connection. I need that deepness. I need those deep talks.

Oh Lord, I must go to sleep now. I feel as though I may take ill if I don’t. Thank you for watching over me, my kind shepherd. I love thee with all my heart, soul and mind. 

xxx

<3

V

Trusting Him

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

Do I trust Him

Do I trust His Holy Spirit

Do I trust His message that He lays on my heart?

Will I be obedient even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if it’s painful. Even if it means hurting someone that I care about? Even if it means telling the truth when the truth could hurt?

Even if it means tough love?

Yet He comforts me and says “I am with you and will never leave you or forsake you.”

And I feel that He is with me and I thank Him for sticking with me even during times of suffering the consequences of my own sin. He is with me even when I am experiencing the repercussions of my own bad choices. And He has my hand in His hand and He says walk this way my child, walk with Me. Come and drink of the living water, which is the only water that satisfies. And He leads me, and He carries me, and He comforts me, and His love for me is stronger with each step that we take.

Lord Jesus… I trust You. I thank you that you have given me a spirit not of fear, but of power, love and self-control. Thank you for being with me and for leading me along the paths of righteous for Your name’s sake. Thank you for using me as your vessel. Thank you for teaching me to move forward in faith. Amen.

xx <3

V

Discipline

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

Good morning. 🙂

Nobody likes the word “discipline”. When I think of this word I think of spankings, getting slapped, not being able to go out with my friends. Getting yelled at, reprimanded. I think of rules and boundaries and anger and whips and shackles and jail cells. I think of the Count of Monte Cristo and being a prisoner and hating life.

Hey, I’m just being honest.

But it turns out discipline is a good thing.

There are multiple definitions to the word “discipline” and to be fair, the first one is “punishment” which validates the journey my mind just went on. 😀

The second definition is “a field of study”.

The third definition is “training that corrects, molds or perfects”.

The fourth is “control gained by obedience or training”.

The fifth is “a system of rules governing conduct”.

Thanks Merriam Webster.

We are going to camp out on definitions 3 & 4.

Discipline is training that corrects molds or perfects; discipline is control gained by obedience or training.

In other words, to be disciplined is to gain control through training that molds or perfects.

We will now apply this to godliness and spirituality.

In order to become more godly, we must be disciplined in the way we go about it. The first way is to read the bible diligently. Without reading the bible diligently, aka every day, we are preventing ourselves from receiving God’s grace through this channel. Aside from reading the bible, we must hear the Word also.

“Romans 10:17 says “Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.”

In other words, our faith grows as we hear the word of God. The hearing of the Word and the reading of the Word are essential to our spiritual growth. We must stay disciplined in this area so we are sure to be fed and satisfied.

John 6:35 says “Then Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”

When it comes to regular food and drink, I don’t need any help in staying disciplined to make sure I eat and drink. This type of food only satisfies temporarily though. To be fed spiritually, we must partake in the hearing and reading of the Word of God as often as we eat and drink tangible, physical, temporal food. We must have it fresh every day.

Just like the manna fell from heaven in Exodus and the Israelites were told to collect only however much they needed for that day else it would spoil, that is how we are to treat the Word of God. We can’t read a big sum of scripture today and expect it to satisfy us all week. No, we need the Word fresh everyday.

More later.

xxx

<3
V