Tag: writing

insomnia

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haha it is 3:12am and here I am. Which is funny since a few hours? ago I wrote a post called “tired” and expressed how TIRED I was. Since I haven’t gotten a lot of SLEEP this week. HINT

Yet… I haven’t been able to fall asleep! Like, I tried to sleep at 11pm. And it is now 3am. That is FOUR HOURS of not being able to sleep. I finally said fugghedaboudit I’m getting up.

So I just prepared my children’s lesson for this week’s bible study with Bible Study Fellowship. And now I’m on here writing about insomnia. Definitely just got distracted by facebook for the last 12 minutes. Now deciding whether or not I should eat something. Humm

I was trying to get caught up on sleep tonight and instead I’m getting even more behind! There might be two reasons though. Lol there are always reasons.

Chocolate is one of them. Like dang, I really shouldn’t eat chocolate at night. Apparently I can’t handle it hahaha that caffeine content is stronger than I give it credit for. Does that sentence make sense there? Ehh I’ma keep it anyway

Another reason I will share with you tomorrow. As in Monday. Hahah kinda weird and vague and I’m sure sOooOoooOo many people are in suspense right now hahaha cuz I have suuuuuuuch a huge blog following 😀 lol but freal I will share the second reason on Monday. It’s kinda silly

SO 3:29 hmm I just looked up some C.S. Lewis quotes on sleep cuz I swore he had a good one about just getting up and reading or occupying your mind in some way when you can’t sleep but I couldn’t find it. I did find a quote by him that is: haha what! I can’t find it now. Guys I’m not fit for being an insomniac. Or perhaps I’m the perfect insomniac. Well whatever, the quote was something like “you can’t love well or sleep well if you haven’t dined well”. Dude I was about to adopt that as my new life quote cuz #ilovefood #foodie

Okay so I just googled the quote without Lewis’s name and it’s by freakin’ Virginia Woolf! Ha no wonder I couldn’t find it before. But someone misquoted Lewis before…. hhaaha or there’s also the possibility that the quote was in a list of quotes and the first name was on the google article and I didn’t click the article, but saw Lewis’s name and the quote below and ASSumed it was him

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah it had to be that. I’m not afraid to admit it.

Alright go to bed you whackos! I’m hungry! Or is that tired… or both… I simply cannot tell anymore!

One does not simply feel hungry every time they are tired.

One does not simply feel tired every time they are hungry.

One does not simply try to catch up on rest by staying up all night.

Good ones right? I should start my own quote business.

hahahaahahah yikes I’m going to go read now and try to fill my head with intelligent things

GOOD NITE/MORNING! xxx

<3 V

Tired

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

Today I’m very tired. I think it’s a combination of eating a lot of chocolate yesterday, and also losing a lot of sleep this week. For example, last Sunday (6 days ago) I was up til ~430am and choppily slept til like 10……… Took a short nap that afternoon for like 45 minutes, aka 20 minutes of sleep #catnap annnd then got a regular night of sleep Monday night. Tuesday I was up til 1 dancing and got up at 8, & Wednesday I did a night shift starting at midnight and ending at 8 am. I mostly got to sleep during the shift but I was up 12-1 and then woke at 3 to check on my lady and then at 6 to get her up and help her to the commode. So uhhhh yeah definitely behind on sleep. No wonder I’m so dang tired. But the lots of chocolate thing didn’t help either.

Oh my goodness I just LOVE WRITING! Thank you God for the gift of words. It is a privilege to be able to write out my thoughts, even so I can just read them and make sense of them and figure out what I need to change in my life.

Like the amount of carbs I eat. Honestly, I’ve come a long way. But yesterday I definitely over carbed with chocolate and peanut butter filled pretzels. So today I’ma eat some vegetables and meat. Sounds appealing! Also I could go for a nap! I think my blood sugar spiked a little too high and came crashing down. That’s definitely part of it.

 

Haha it’s funny because I just realized it’s 2pm and I should probably have some lunch, so I grabbed some dried mango, trail mix and a granola bar. Aka more nuts and chocolate #facepalm

Hey I need to go to the grocery store alright?! I do have a little bit of chicken… And some boiled eggs. But that’s it. I gots to get some vegetables and meat for this week. And more eggs that I can scramble.

Eggs, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms

Chicken, salad stuff (romaine, cucumbers, carrots)

Tuna… ?! zucchini, peppers, celery

Yeah vegetables actually sound suuuuper appealing to me rn hahaah probably cuz I’ve been lacking in the vegetable department.

YO last night I actually had a craving for carrots and meant to hit the store buuut I ended up talking to my brother on the phone for an hour and a half and then was too lazy to go. Well, kinda. I actually just felt like doing other stuff. So I showered, ate dinner (at like 9pm) and then watched some videos, did social media shtuff, and watched some old videos of mine from 7-8 years ago. Not gonna lie, it was weird to watch those!

I did get tired last night around 10:30, but instead of going to bed, I ate some snacks and stayed up til midnight. Tonight I’m going to bed early. Ba-da-BANG it’s decided.

We have to take care of ourselves. When your body says sleep, sleep! When your body says carrots, buy carrots. I googled carrot craving and read several articles and posts that suggested I may be anemic. I mean, take errthang on the internet with a grain of salt, I get that. But it’s something interesting to consider! Carrots don’t have any iron in them, but craving carrots has been linked to anemia…. interesting….

Maybe I should go to the doctor and ask about that. LOL if you knew me though, you would know that I don’t go to the doctor. Ever. But I’m about to lose my health insurance next month (when I turn 26) and may try to go to the doctor before that. IDK.

I really don’t want to buy health insurance. I hate buying into the dumb system. I should pray about that. It’s smart to have insurance so you don’t have to pay out the butt if something goes wrong, buuuuut paying for insurance sucks. I will say I am super glad I have car insurance and have saved a lot of money with that! I’ma look into insurance people. I’ma do it. Any suggestions? Recommendations?

K that’s it for now. Time to play guitar for my client! #jobperks

xxx <3

V

bachata, salsa, and weak ankles

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I am writing this post so as to have accountability with you folks on the internet. Even if I don’t have someone specifically reaching out to me and making sure I’m not doing too much too fast, at least I put this out there; even if it’s just for my own benefit. I’m writing this to make known that I, Velvet, am aware that I often do too much too fast. I rush into things and end up ruining them.

Prime example: dehydrating banana chips in the oven. My roommate was doing it and asked me to keep a watch. I didn’t understand the dehydration process at the time and didn’t bother to ask her questions about it: I just turned up the heat of the oven on my watch. The chips were burned and ruined. I felt awful! Haste makes waste.

With working out, and in this case, dancing, I am a beginner. I took ballet when I was a child but it’s been 15 years. So here we are in a new season, and I want to learn bachata. And I want to master it. But. These things take time. SO I’m putting it out there on the interwebs that I want to do this right. My right ankle is already talking to me from all the dancing I did on Tuesday evening, and then again at home on Wednesday. I didn’t do anything yesterday and I will try not to practice at home today either because I don’t want to give myself an injury early on.

I’m really good at being a machine and pushing through, and getting stuff done — no matter what it takes. I wonder what profession I should be in that wouldn’t be detrimental to myself, my health or others?

In this case, low and slow is the way to go!

It’s going to be hard though, since (1) it’s so much fun and (2) it’s a great workout. Great way to boost endorphins. But uhhhhhhhs

 

Anyway, that’s that. Just making it known that I want to take this journey slow so I don’t get burnt out.

Lord please protect me from myself! Protect me from my tendency to rush into things and go all-in or all-out and do too much. Lord show me how to be slow, and trust the process. And enJOY the process! Thank you for always taking care of me and for providing for me exactly what I need when I need it. Not when I THINK I need it. I don’t need to be a salsa-master over night 😉 Thank you for making me more consistent; like You. You are the same yesterday, today and forever… thank you for that! Thank you that you don’t get burnt out and just give up or end up failing. You are perfect in all of your ways. Guide me! Lead me!

<3

 

xxx

V

dancing

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

is good for the soul. I dreamt about it last night. I am still on cloud9 from dancing bachata and salsa the other night. Bachata can get a little sensual, which I could presume, but have to be careful of next time I go.

Salsa is a whole new world to me. I mean, bachata is too, but it is very easy to pick up. The beat to salsa is on an 8-count, not a 4, like most popular music. The beats that you emphasize with your feet are different depending on whether you’re dancing on salsa1 or salsa2.

I want to take some classes and learn the techniques! Here’s my problem:

I want to learn fast. But I don’t want to screw up my ankle. If I dance too hard too fast, I will definitely hoyt myself. I’m notorious for this, unfortunately. This is how I screwed up my elbow, I think. Overuse. A few summers ago I was a kayak instructor and was kayaking for like 6 hours a day. I hardly kayaked before that summer btw. So I went from doing little to no kayaking to kayaking for 6 hours a day 6 days a week. For 6 weeks straight…. You know what? I really don’t like all these 6’s! Seeing an evil trend here! Get behind me Satan!

Gah.

Towards the end of that summer I experienced some elbow pain that I’d never experienced before. There are a few other factors that could’ve played into the pain though. Like the fact that I started using a pulaski to cut thru large roots in the ground that we were trying to pull to make way for laying down steps. It was hefty trail work, and I probs shouldn’t have attempted it. It’s strange, when you’re young and fearless and seemingly unstoppable. And then you try something that never leaves you the same way.

Between the kayaking and pulaskiing. And probably the veganism. I was vegan for several months at that point and had already been dealing with bruising all over my legs from nutrient deficiency I assume. Not my proudest summer. But actually, that summer was freakin’ great and made me feel on top of the world. I soo loved being a counselor/trip leader. Tons of funs. And everyone loved me too! Which tends to help things. Except the 14 year old who wanted to have a “boyfriend” and hold hands and God knows what else. My co-leader and I shut that down (or tried to) much to her dismay and embarassment, and seeming hatred towards me after that.

Sigggggggh.

Back to dance. I’m not going to screw it up this time. I definitely want to work on some ankle-strengthening exercises…

And I won’t go dancing every night or anything. Though I am attempted because (1) it’s SO much fun and (2) it’s freakin’ contagious! (3) I want to master it.

I truly want to get good at salsa dancing. It’s thrilling. Dancing with men is thrilling. It seems like men who know how to dance will make good husbands. Okay, maybe that is an overstatement… But following a male leader in dance is very sexy and attractive. The man is supposed to lead. The lady is supposed to follow.

Plus, dancing releases mad endorphins since it’s like a workout. Except WAY more fun than a workout. Like, why force myself to do endless cardio when I can go dance………….

Dancing is such a healthy expression of life… I usually reserve dancing for when I’m home alone and can dance throughout the house when nobody is watching me. That is also when I sing loudly. Though lately I have been doing much more of both dancing and singing. Getting used to doing them in front of others is a journey in itself. But just doing the things is a journey for me. Soooo healthy.

Expressive

Exercise

Therapeutic

Romantic

Fun

Joy-filled

I’m looking forward to the next time I get to dance! Thanks God! For creating dance, music, rhythm… for giving me the opportunity to partake in these things!

 

God is good, all the time! <3

xx

V

hurricane and bachata

Published on by Velvet2 Comments

So. I live in Virginia and am going to be hit with this hurricane pretty soon. Over the next few days, actually. And I have a way out if I want. My dad has offered to fly me home to New Hampshire. Hmmm tempting.

Reasons why I don’t think I should go:

I will miss work on Friday and Saturday. I am currently hurting financially because the man I’ve been caring for for the last couple of years passed away on Saturday night. It feels so weird to say that. It still doesn’t seem real… So because he is gone, and I haven’t found another job yet, I think I should stay here and work at the other job I have.

I love flying. I love adventures. I love spontaneity. I especially love flying for free. I love vacations. I looooooove New Hampshire. And my family. I could fly up for a few days and spend time with my sister, my parents…. my brother! And friends. Friends <3

The decision is coming down to the money though. That hussle is real. I should probably do the responsible thing and stay here and work. Heck, I could even work more than I’m scheduled for since other caregivers may not be able to make it to work in the storm. That would be a major inconvenience to my boss if I dipped out and left, and then he couldn’t find coverage for his wife.

I’ve made up my mind. I’m staying here. Buckling down. And going dancing tonight.

Yep. Tonight I’m going dancing. Ooooh ooh yes it’s going to be fun! Salsa and bachata here I come!

 

Last night I went bachata and salsa dancing. Mostly bachata TBH because salsa is difficult and I didn’t pick it up very quickly. One of the reasons why it’s so difficult is because there are different counts. There is “salsa 1” and “salsa 2” when you emphasize certain steps. I was getting all sorts of mixed up last night on the dance floor as to whether or not I should be going forwards or backwards, and whether or not my partner was doing salsa 1 or 2…. It was disastrous. Okay, maybe that’s a bit too harsh.

I danced salsa with like 5 people last night. The first person, total flop. He didn’t know how to dance salsa very well himself, and certainly was not in a position to be leading me. The second dude was a little more confident, but our steps were not matching up, and I told him I wasn’t sure what I was doing. So then he proceeded to bring me literally right next to the large speaker so I could “hear” the music, since apparently making yourself go deaf is a good way to do that, and then he began explaining footwork right next to the speaker. I couldn’t hear a word of what he saying, and the only thing I could tell that he said was “do you understand now?” to which I shook my head “no”. So then he brought me over to the DJ table to the dance teacher and said “she doesn’t get it” and so the teacher started to walk me through the steps and he said “nahhh she’s got it, she’s got it!” and then luckily the song ended. And the fellow asked me to dance again, and I said I’m going to go sit down for this one.

The third guy that asked me to salsa was pretty good! He led me and I followed pretty well! It really helped that he didn’t hold back with me because it was my first night. He simply danced. And I followed. It was fun! The fourth guy was the same thing. The fifth guy, I actually danced two bachata songs with him first, and then we tried a salsa song. He kept apologizing, which was pretty cute. Though I was like yo, it’s probably not you. But he wasn’t focusing on what was wrong. He kept moving forward and we had fun!

At the beginning of the evening, there was a little lesson for newbies. First bachata, and then salsa. I made it for some of the bachata lesson, and all of the salsa. Though the salsa lesson seemed very short. Probably because it was all new to me. Immediately after the lesson, I had dude after dude hmu to dance. I danced like five songs in a row and was having lots of fun. But I got spun around like forty times in a row, okay maybe 20…  it was excessive — and then I had to go to the bar and drink some water! I got hot and sweaty real quick.

Those were all bachata, and I didn’t even try the salsa for a while. And so when I finally did and the first two people were a flop, I got a little bit discouraged. But honestly, I didn’t learn how to do it all. Didn’t know about the two different counts. It was hard to just feel the music and try to figure out the dude’s footwork without verbalizing it. I’m a verbal kind of girl. Like, if my dance partner would tell me “okay, I’m starting with stepping forward, and we are doing salsa 1” I would’ve been a lot better off (After learning about salsa 1 and knowing how to do it of course). Lol

I think I’m going to practice salsa 1 and salsa 2 today in my room. I want to get good! There were some amAZing dancers there last night. Including a friend of mine and her sister. They were rockin’ the floor! It was beautiful to watch, and very inspiring! It really made me want to learn.

I’m excited, y’all. There are so many fun parts of life that bring life to us, to me. Dancing is something I’ve been craving to do. I remember in 2014, actually right around this time, I was backpacking the John Muir Trail and was going through this open expanse of desert after coming down from a rocky summit. It was very windy and I felt like I sortof had tunnel vision as I followed a narrow, dusty trail across the land, that didn’t seem to be getting any shorter. And I got a word about dancing. I should dance. I knew I should.

That fall I looked into ballet classes. I actually went to a beginner adult class or two. It was super fun. I should dig out my leotard and ballet shoes just for kicks… Oh wait, I think they’re in NH. Hmm.

Anywho, here we are four years later, and I’m beginning a journey of bachata and salsa. God is so good. He gives us what we need! I was praying to him weeks ago asking for an opportunity to dance. And here we are! Beautiful. Fulfilling. Fullness of heart.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

And now we await the storm! Hurricane Florence……. But no matter what the storm brings, I am confident that God will take care of me and continue providing for all that I need; including what I THINK I need, and things that I wouldn’t have thought I needed, but that bring so much joy and hope and life.

He is the giver of life!

xxxx <3

V

 

death

Published on by Velvet2 Comments

I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell anyone, but I did

 

And naturally, people responded. Which I was, and am, completely unprepared for. What does one say to a “how are you doing?” right after a loved one dies…

A loved one. Yes, he was. He called me his adopted granddaughter. At times, his favorite granddaughter. His actual granddaughter was taken aback at that one, I might add. I called him out when he said it. To which he responded completely unnaturally “oh…. ha ha GOTCHA!?” as if he was trying to tell a funny joke. Nah, that was bad. He slipped.

But he won’t slip anymore…

It’s hard to understand death. I suppose I won’t try. He was just here, and now he isn’t. I just saw him on Thursday, and now I’ll never see him again. I tend not to cry about things, but I cared for him, and can’t help it.

I don’t like change. I don’t like dealing with it. I especially don’t like change when I can’t predict it. Unexpected change is the worst kind of change for me. I couldn’t prepare my state of mind beforehand, so now I don’t know how to act.

Part of me wants to move on immediately and start planning my next steps. I need a new job, after all. I was his caregiver. I took care of him. And got paid. And now he’s gone.

But I don’t want to think about money?

What’s wrong with me.

I mean, it all ties in. I get that.

So then there’s the sadness. The weight. The reality that I won’t hear him anymore. He was so loud. So doggone loud. I called him “the one man band”. Always extremely loud.

But again, not anymore.

It’s strange how when someone you love passes away, you miss the things about them that once annoyed you; because you miss them. It’s the concept of “don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone”.

What a blessing he was to me. He and his wife; who passed in May. And now he, just steps behind her. They were married for 66 years. 66

Almost 67. A number which I cannot fathom, since I’ve only been alive for 25 years… I don’t want to live so long that I will be married for 66 years. I don’t want to

I am sorry, but I am selfish. And I don’t like change. And I don’t like things I can’t predict. and life is full of moving pieces that are unpredictable. Lord, forgive me for my ungratefulness. Life is so hard.

Yet the bible says that one day, there will be no more pain and no more suffering and no more tears. And there will be a new earth. And there will be no death. And I will have a new body. And I will be with God for all of eternity.

Won’t I get bored?

If there’s no drama and no problems won’t I get bored? Yet here I am on earth, with plenty of drama, and even death, and I don’t want to endure it. It’s too hard.

Lord, please forgive me. I still don’t enjoy suffering like you say I should. Okay, not enjoy. But I don’t often have joy when I suffer. I think I’m supposed to be getting better at that. I must be improving, since I have no choice but to improve in that regard the longer I am a christian. I suppose even crying out to you in my distress is a good sign that I have come a long way.

Oh Lord, keep me.  I have a long way to go. Or maybe I don’t. You numbered my steps before I was born. You numbered his too. And he took so many steps. Oh Lord, just help me walk in yours. I don’t want to waste time walking in my own steps out of sync with yours.

Oh keep me. Use me as light. Thank you for taking care of me Jesus. My life is in your hands.

xx

<3 V

Emergency Room

Published on by Velvet2 Comments

I hate the lights in here. And the machines, beeping so loudly. Ohmigoodness. So loudly. Each beep pierces my eardrums like a knife. And it’s all because he won’t breathe. Oh thank God, he’s breathing right for a second.

A short-lived second. We were up to 93% and now we’re down to 76%. Oh Lord. Okay, a nurse just came in to turn the God-forsaken beeping off. And she couldn’t figure it out so she’ll be back. Currently it’s not beeping.

I just laughed out loud a little bit because it’s so hellishly annoying. Why can’t he breathe right?! Such a simple function that I take for granted I guess. Or perhaps the doctors are asking too much of him. Why does his level of O2 have to remain about 88% anyway? Not everybody fits into a cookie cutter mold of staying at 100% oxygen. Not everybody needs to.

Ahhhh. I breathe in a sigh of relief. The sweet aroma of the nurse pressing the button to turn off the beeping fills the room. Inhaaaaaaale. Thank God for small favors. I am NOT being sarcastic when I say that. It’s just that I’ve been here since 12:30, and it’s now 3:35. And it could be hours before he is moved from the ER to the ICU.

Currently the nurse is hooking him up to another machine to help him breathe better than the concentrator. It’s called a super-powered nasal canula. The hose is at least twice as thick as a regular concentrator. Hey, I’m all about that life as long as he doesn’t have to work so hard to breathe.

Lord. Everything takes so long in the ER.

 

Ohhhh gorgeous! It’s on his face. It sounds like a jet plane. Praise God, I think it’s working. The machine is not beeping. His O2 level is sitting at 95%. Make that 96%. Can he hold it. Can he keep it? 98%! Amazing. What a concept! Rejoice over the little things in life. Count your blessings. I’m counting this as a blessing.

I’m going to be here all day. 3:42 now. I will probably leave here around 6 and drink some wine and eat some macaroni and cheese. Or meatloaf. Or macaroni and cheese with meatloaf. #yes

And then I’ll come back here… And stay til 10 or so. And then someone else will be here.

I have been pretending to be a family member all day today so I could get in here. And have access to information. Little do the medical professionals know that it’s my job to take care of this man. I know most things about him. I know most things about his current physical, mental and emotional state. I won’t say I know everything because Father God alone knows everything there is to know about this man but I know a lot. So I surprise the professionals when I start answering questions about his recent medication list and using terms that they wouldn’t necessarily expect a “granddaughter’ to use. Hehe

Though it is exhausting. It is tiring. I hate the lights. The florescent lights were a bad idea. I get that the rooms need to be a certain level of bright in order for the doctors to see what they’re doing. But they are giving me a headache. The air is stale in here. It’s cold. I am wearing enough layers so I’m doing okay. But it’s cold. And hard. And unfriendly.

But God is friendly. And warm. And here with me.

Oh Lord, I pray your comfort and peace over this room in Jesus’ name. Let not the hospital keep him here for too long. Not more than three days. Oh Lord, not four. Please heal him divinely, supernaturally in the name of Jesus. You alone are able to do this. You are more than able. Thank you for taking care of us. For caring for him. For teaching me; through all of the shennanigans. Amen.

xxx <3 

V

Saturday nights are overrated

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

So.

 

3 suicidal birds just flew at my window. Okay 4. Wow. Or it could be the same one four times. The latter is more likely I suppose. Anywho

 

Today was one of those days that freakin’ dragged on like an unconscious body that’s tied to the back of a wagon being dragged through the mud. Is it super weird that that’s the first analogy that I came up with? Haha I ask a lot of silly questions. I know it’s weird. Sigh. This is why I’m single.

 

JUST KIDDING

 

I’m single because God is preparing an AM-AZ-AZ-AZ-ing husband for me!

chachinggif

 

https://goo.gl/images/n48zkr

 

And he hasn’t come along yet. Simple.

Now back to my day. I checked my phone a lot. Have you ever checked your phone every five minutes to see if you have a message from someone and find yourself disappointed everytime your phone goes off and it’s not from the person you’re hoping? I did a little bit of that today. Which was a major improvement compared to yesterday when I got straight up pissed whenever the message didn’t arrive.

Here is the progression: check phone—> pissed —> sad —> hopeless mess —> DING!—> check phone —> even MORE pissed —> despair—> eats food —.> DING midway through chocolate bar; stops eating—> not the person —> CRIES AND WIPES TEARS AWAY WITH CHOCOLATE

 

Okay that dang bird needs to go away. Or maybe it’s a bat? Idk. Point is, it’s disturbing my PEACEFUL WRITING PROCESS ABOUT BEING PISSED OFF

 

Haha siiiiiiiiigh I love Saturday nights alone. Oh goodness, I sound like my mother. And for your information, I have not being alone until these very moments writing. I have been at Chick-fil-A with all the workers eating a solo, solemn, sandwich, and at Kohl’s picking up an online order so as to avoid picking things out in the store. And then to Trader Joes, where I always see somebody I know and doggonit, I did tonight too. Though my raging period hormones turned me into a strange version of Dr. Jeckle where I slurred all of my words and stood strangely with a canister of coffee in front of my chest like a Tyrannosaurus Rex might hold it with it’s tiny arms.

Yeah, another good reason to go home. Oh, and Wendy’s. That was the first stop that I made because 50cent frosty’s…. couldn’t resist. Ask me when the last time I had a frosty was. Fine, don’t ask. Probably 9 years ago when I gave up all fast food. And look at me now! I’ve come so far. Chick-fil-A and Wendy’s in the same evening! “Ohhh but Chick-fil-A isn’t fast food!” Come on, people. I get that you like how the chicken looks like chicken when you tear it open, but really. It’s fast. It’s food.

dont-lie-to-yourself-you-know-its-true.jpg

 

On a positive night. Note. I got to play a lot of guitar today. Which is pretty freakin’ wonderful. Though

 

My phone just dinged and guess who it wasn’t? Right.

 

Though, as I was SAYING! my right hand has numbness in my pinky and ring fingers up through my forearm. I believed it’s a result of a pinched? ulnar nerve which is up behind my right shoulder…. I tend to crush my right arm when I sleep at night HAH and then I wake up with a numb hand. Ha. Isn’t that great. Okay, I am so sorry. This is turning into a depressing post. Or actually it kinda started as one based on the title.

I’ve tried to train myself to sleep on my back, and I can even pretty much fall asleep on my back at first, but then I wake up with a numb hand and a crushed arm pretty much every night. I need one of those stretching machines from the Addam’s family where I can tie myself down and force my arms to be splayed out to either side so I won’t be able to crush them.

What do I have against my right arm anyway. This need to crush it is pure bullying. My arm can’t even fight back. I need to have a word with myself.

Aaaand there’s a sign that I’ve gone insane #pms #dyingalone #wordsarefunthough

Oh yeah, another reason why my hand might be numb is because I did a 15 minutes workout, DANGER DANGER watch out lazy people, a whoooooooooooooooooooole 15 minutes! aahahah

One of the exercises was “dolphin” pushups where you are on your forearms and then you push your butt into the air, kinda like an almost downward dog pose if you’re a yogi. If you aren’t your like what’s up with dolphins and dogs I thought I was gonna exercise

Look, idk who named these things, but my arm hurts, and I think it had something to do with that also, since I’ve suffered with elbow pain the last 3 years and have had to be very careful with doing ANY upper body stuff. AKA I haven’t really used my right arm. AKA I’ve got pancake arms. Luckily my arms don’t actually look like pancakes. That would be…. tastefully distasteful. hehe

9:29 probably should wrap this up. Tomorrow is Sunday and I’ve got Sunday school, welcome desk duty, church, then am getting coffee with a frand, then going to another more worshipful church, then a Luao cuz I know awesome people, theeeeen maybe a friends for the night.

Then to my cousin’s all day and night Monday! Then to work all day and night.

Then to a workshop on Wednesday… then maybe home for a few hours? Out to dinner…

Work all day and night. Work til 4, CAMPING NEXT WEEKEND!

So I’m about to be busy for the next week so I’m okay with doing nothing tonight. But I’m also kinda not okay with doing nothing. What’s wrong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

k no dings. I’m gonna read and go to bed.

Love to all! <3

 

V

 

This is the day

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that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!

And I will be productive! And do lots of writing. And singing. And praying. And reading! All things that I can do while I’m at work! Huzzah! Perhaps one day I will get paid to those things and won’t need to have a job as a caregiver. But God knows that I’ve needed the caregiving job! To make me less selfish. Golly. I’m so good at being selfish!

Slowly but surely, I pray and give up my will and ask the Lord to take away my selfishness. Less of me and more of He. Yep

So it’s Thursday. I’m a little worried that it’s going to go like how Tuesday went. I was going a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit crazy on Tuesday because of present company. But today, so far so good. He is tired which makes my life easier. He’s not jumping off the walls and talking up a storm like a freakin’ broken record. Praise God. Truly. I praise you Lord.

So today. As my friend shared with me recently, today I choose to not be a miserable cow. I will be a happy cow!

Current revelation: There’s more to life than weight loss!

Also, on my way to work today, the reason why I want to be thin finally dawned on me: I want people to worship me.

Ha ha ha.

I am so doggone selfish. It’s taaaaaaaayrrible.

But yeah if I’m being real with myself, that’s the honest truth! Haha

My definition of beauty: thin thin thin

So I want to attain this beauty

So people will look at me and not be able to look away

They’ll treat me so kindly

And won’t be able to get mad at me because I’m so pretty

I’ll be revered by all and loved by all.

So. Now that I’m aware of these thoughts I will captivate them and kill them.

#1 they aren’t true.

#2 I don’t want to waste my precious time believing lies anymore

Don’t waste your time believing lies.

Today, I choose not to waste my time believing lies.

Satan, you lose. Don’t you know that? Haha I win. God picked me for his team. I’m on da winning team!

This is what winner’s do: focus on the prize.

So what does the prize look like for me?

  1. Serving Jesus in whatever ways He calls me to
  2. Using my gifts to bring glory to him
  3. Focusing on the Truth about who God is and who I am
  4. Practicing the choice of rejoicing

Today I choose to be joyful! In all of the things that God has given me!

And continue to capture and kill any lies that come my way. Tempting lies to glorify myself. Tempting lies that put me on a pedestal and distract me from the only legitimate prize.

I don’t want to be the god of my own life. That never goes over well and it doesn’t bring me any true satisfaction. Living to serve God and others it the only thing that brings true joy. Praise God for showing me this! Praise God for doing a work within me that takes me off the pedestal and puts Him in his rightful place as Lord over my life!

I live to serve you Jesus!

xoxoxo

<3 V

Perfume

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This morning I sprayed on the perfume I used to wear two years ago and thought of you immediately.

I felt your touch for a moment and remembered what you said to me that night.

I remember how we both looked out hopefully across the water and thought about what the future could look like.

I remember how I pined for information from you but you weren’t ready to share.

We weren’t ready for each other. I don’t know if we ever will be.

london night lights bridge
Photo by Uncoated on Pexels.com

I try to figure out and know who will be him.

Who are you?

Where is the man I will wear perfume for for the rest of my life and not have to worry about shunning a scent when things go south.

I think that’s why I don’t wear the perfume anymore. In fact, I know that’s why. I can’t bear to think of you anymore.

But one day I will think of you.

Not “you” per se, but him.

I will think of him and know him.

I will love him. <3

<3 V