I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell anyone, but I did
And naturally, people responded. Which I was, and am, completely unprepared for. What does one say to a “how are you doing?” right after a loved one dies…
A loved one. Yes, he was. He called me his adopted granddaughter. At times, his favorite granddaughter. His actual granddaughter was taken aback at that one, I might add. I called him out when he said it. To which he responded completely unnaturally “oh…. ha ha GOTCHA!?” as if he was trying to tell a funny joke. Nah, that was bad. He slipped.
But he won’t slip anymore…
It’s hard to understand death. I suppose I won’t try. He was just here, and now he isn’t. I just saw him on Thursday, and now I’ll never see him again. I tend not to cry about things, but I cared for him, and can’t help it.
I don’t like change. I don’t like dealing with it. I especially don’t like change when I can’t predict it. Unexpected change is the worst kind of change for me. I couldn’t prepare my state of mind beforehand, so now I don’t know how to act.
Part of me wants to move on immediately and start planning my next steps. I need a new job, after all. I was his caregiver. I took care of him. And got paid. And now he’s gone.
But I don’t want to think about money?
What’s wrong with me.
I mean, it all ties in. I get that.
So then there’s the sadness. The weight. The reality that I won’t hear him anymore. He was so loud. So doggone loud. I called him “the one man band”. Always extremely loud.
But again, not anymore.
It’s strange how when someone you love passes away, you miss the things about them that once annoyed you; because you miss them. It’s the concept of “don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone”.
What a blessing he was to me. He and his wife; who passed in May. And now he, just steps behind her. They were married for 66 years. 66
Almost 67. A number which I cannot fathom, since I’ve only been alive for 25 years… I don’t want to live so long that I will be married for 66 years. I don’t want to
I am sorry, but I am selfish. And I don’t like change. And I don’t like things I can’t predict. and life is full of moving pieces that are unpredictable. Lord, forgive me for my ungratefulness. Life is so hard.
Yet the bible says that one day, there will be no more pain and no more suffering and no more tears. And there will be a new earth. And there will be no death. And I will have a new body. And I will be with God for all of eternity.
Won’t I get bored?
If there’s no drama and no problems won’t I get bored? Yet here I am on earth, with plenty of drama, and even death, and I don’t want to endure it. It’s too hard.
Lord, please forgive me. I still don’t enjoy suffering like you say I should. Okay, not enjoy. But I don’t often have joy when I suffer. I think I’m supposed to be getting better at that. I must be improving, since I have no choice but to improve in that regard the longer I am a christian. I suppose even crying out to you in my distress is a good sign that I have come a long way.
Oh Lord, keep me. I have a long way to go. Or maybe I don’t. You numbered my steps before I was born. You numbered his too. And he took so many steps. Oh Lord, just help me walk in yours. I don’t want to waste time walking in my own steps out of sync with yours.
Oh keep me. Use me as light. Thank you for taking care of me Jesus. My life is in your hands.
xx
<3 V