Tag: christian

minutes tick by

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and I check to see if you have messaged me back.

Why should I?

Habit, I suppose. I’ve gotten used to hearing from you often. And now that I’m not hearing from you as much, I miss you.

I miss hearing your notification sound go off. I don’t think I ever told you, but you had your own sound. A special tone that told me who it was. It was you.

Though I don’t hear it often anymore. Yet I’ll admit, whenever I do, my heart does a little flip. I perk up a bit and get excited.

I read your messages and miss you more.

I’m holding onto hope, I realize. Could it work out between us in the future? Could there ever be a future for us? Romantically, of course. Dating-wise, of course. A high-functioning, partnering, Christ-like relationship.

I don’t know. All I know is that it isn’t now. Now was not right. The Holy Spirit was convicting me whenever we were apart, that that’s where we were to stay.

It was when we were together that I was confused. I liked what I saw and I liked what I felt, and I convinced myself that the Holy Spirit must have been lying. God must have been bending the truth.

I even believed that it wasn’t God at all who was speaking to me to end things. I convinced myself that it was hormones. It must’ve been my body that was all jacked up, and that is why I keep going back and forth about breaking up with you.

Lord Jesus… how come so much of your daily mercies go unnoticed, yet your mercy comes alive to me better when you allow me to go thru a trial such as this? I wish your sovereignty would have prevented me from ever dating this person. I wish your hand would’ve prevented me from getting close to him and starting to care about him. Though there’s no going back now. There’s only forward moving. Either forward moving, or staying in one place. I choose to go forward in faith. 

What now?

I’ll tell you where I can’t live. That’s in a place of doubt. In a place where I keep wondering if I did the right thing

Pause

Can you believe that I just checked my messages in the middle of typing this post?

And even backed up and read old message exchanges too?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wwwwwwwwwwwwwwell.

Ha :/

10:11. Believe it or NAWHT I’m going to bed right now.

Goodnight everyone. Turn off your phone and unplug for a while. It does the mind & body good <3

xxx

<3

V

1:58 AM

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

and I am awake again. But that’s because….

Okay, I could honestly always come up with a “but that’s because” whenever I want to justify staying up late. And I know I jeeeeeeeeest wrote that daggone post about needing to sleep and rest and how sleep deprivation makes me cray etc etc etc

ha.

But I can explain.

I was having a much needed conversation with someone very important to me. We talked for 5 hours straight. I am not surprised by this because that’s what we have always done. Time flies when I’m with this person.

We had a real talk where we told each other the truth about how we felt. I had been worried because I knew I was going to see this person tonight and I was scared they would act indifferent around me. I thought they would act like they didn’t care.

However, it was the opposite.

They were the most caring and affectionate and focused I have ever seen them before. Not to say they have never been affectionate or caring or focused. But they were doubly so tonight. Triply. Quadrupley.

“Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone?” Joni Mitchells

We strengthened a bridge tonight. Truth was spoken. Authentic vulnerability was displayed.

I feel lighter. I feel better. I feel freer. I feel peaceful. I trust the process.

I trust God’s process.

<3

And it’s now 2:10 AM

BUT

I don’t have to start work at any particular time in the morning.

I have a lunch date at 12/1230 (can’t remember which!) and then another client at 2. Then swimming (GOD WILLING) then a coffee date with a girlfriend. Then a dinner date with another girlfriend. Praise God for good friends and good food and a flexible schedule!

Not to mention, I don’t have my night shift tomorrow night! And all I have on Thursday is work 12-3, and 8:30-12.

HOLLA!

<3

God is good. God is gracious. All good and perfect gifts come from Him <3 🙂

MMK  time for sleep.

Good night y’all 🙂

xxx

V

 

12:49 am

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and I should be sleeping right now. For the past 9 months this has been the story of my life. Ever since I started salsa dancing and staying out way too late, and also the beginning of one of my jobs caregiving for a night owl. So I go to bed late often. Usually it’s my own choice though. I have nobody else to blame but myself. Especially on nights that I go dancing and choose to either (A) stay in the parking lot talking and hanging out for hours on end or (B) stay at whatever event or club til ~2 in the morning and then hang out after til 3, 4, 5, or even 6:00AM.

Crazy talk.

9 months of crazy.

That’s the amount of time it takes for the human body to grow a baby.

So if these past 9 months of my life was growing a baby, that baby would be:

sleep deprivation, lack of clarity, stress, distraction, nap-time, procrastination, not being dependable, not performing at the top of my game, missing things because I was too tired to do them.

A trusted friend and mentor told me the other day that they were concerned for me. I asked why and she said “you don’t seem as level headed as you used to”.

I know she’s right.

That’s what not getting enough rest does to a person.

It makes a 26-year-old adult into a crying baby. A 9-month old, just-born, crybaby. That’s how I feel often.

Can’t get muh crap together. Am hasty/impulsive with my decision-making. Experiencing some anger. Selfish.

………

When she said that to me it was a wake-up call. Even though I don’t need to be woken up, I need to go to sleep. Ba-dum-CHHHHHHHHHHHH 😀 😉

For realsies though, I don’t want to be this way anymore. I want to get more rest. I want to be more dependable.  I want to perform well in all that I do.

So I am going to stick to my boundaries. And if I can’t do it, I’m going to ask somebody to keep me accountable for going to bed earlier. I am adamant about changing. I want to be more productive. I want to have more clarity. I want to rest in the Lord more. I want to be used by Him in all the ways possible. I have to do my part and take care of myself. I have to take care of this temple, my body, that He made me into when He gave me new life.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

 

<3

So I prayed to God and asked Him to help me get more rest. And today I found out that one of my clients doesn’t need me to do her Wednesday night shift anymore. PRAISE GOD!!!! Now I will get good sleep on Wednesday nights and won’t be exhausted all day Thursday anymore! Praise the Lord!!!!!! I love quick answers to prayer.

Also I am going to chill at home Friday nights for the most part. Or be home by … 1:00AM if I do go out since I have work on Saturdays. I will give this more thought.

 

Okay, more later.

 

Goodnight y’all.

 

xxx

V

<3

I obeyed

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and I feel a lot better. I obeyed because my Father told me to do something.

My Father knows what I need. He knows what I lack. He knows the areas that I have to grow in. He challenges me. He comforts me at the same time. He walks alongside me.

He was with me tonight when I had a hard conversation.

Confrontation is not my favorite thing. It’s actually really hard for me. It’s difficult to confront people about things that bother me. I’m not great at it because I don’t want to hurt the person I have to confront. I have been trained to walk on eggshells my whole life; never wanting to hurt anyone or experience the possibility of an adverse reaction. Anything to avoid conflict. But God is teaching me how to have hard conversations. He keeps impressing upon me — with His Holy Spirit– times and opportunities to talk about the hard things.

And it wasn’t so bad. Nobody bit my head off. Nobody yelled at me or threw anything at me. Nobody sneered at me, scoffed at me, or mocked me. What I said was received, and received well. Seemingly.

Though time will tell. Time will reveal the fruit of last night’s conversation. But I had to say the things I said. They were eating me from the inside out. And I feel better now. And I trust the Lord!

The fruit of the Spirit of goodness means telling someone the truth even when it hurts. It’s saying it out of a place of love, and in a loving manner. But often times it’s hard to do.

Watch my video on kindness/goodness! 🙂  https://youtu.be/Z2N2JKbtm_0 🙂

Lord! Thank you for this Monday morning. Thank you for a sufficient amount of sleep. Thank you for a comfortable bed and a place to wash my face and a way to hear Your Word. Father thank you for hearing my prayers telling me to pray. Thank you for being patient with me and teaching me to rely on You completamente por todos. I love you <3

xx

V

 

 

 

Trusting Him

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Do I trust Him

Do I trust His Holy Spirit

Do I trust His message that He lays on my heart?

Will I be obedient even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if it’s painful. Even if it means hurting someone that I care about? Even if it means telling the truth when the truth could hurt?

Even if it means tough love?

Yet He comforts me and says “I am with you and will never leave you or forsake you.”

And I feel that He is with me and I thank Him for sticking with me even during times of suffering the consequences of my own sin. He is with me even when I am experiencing the repercussions of my own bad choices. And He has my hand in His hand and He says walk this way my child, walk with Me. Come and drink of the living water, which is the only water that satisfies. And He leads me, and He carries me, and He comforts me, and His love for me is stronger with each step that we take.

Lord Jesus… I trust You. I thank you that you have given me a spirit not of fear, but of power, love and self-control. Thank you for being with me and for leading me along the paths of righteous for Your name’s sake. Thank you for using me as your vessel. Thank you for teaching me to move forward in faith. Amen.

xx <3

V

“By This Time Tomorrow…”

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Hey guys.

It’s a little after midnight and I just worked for 17 hours straight. But believe it or not, I’m OK with that. You know, life was easier when I didn’t worry so much. I remember when I was a young teenager (13/14?) I had a moment when I realized I was happy, and had been happy for ~3 years. Isn’t that wonderful? I know it had to do with my church at the time. My youth group. My friends. I honestly didn’t make that connection until now, but I’m sure that’s why I had such a blessed time.

On a side note:

Tomorrow I’m going salsa dancing. 

I. Can’t. Wait.

I’m still in love with dancing. I started almost 28 weeks ago. That’s 7 months. Salsa, Bachata y yo have been in a relationship for almost 7 months. I should take myself out. To dinner. At chick-fil-A. Okay, I admit it; I was going to do that anyway. Go to Chick-Fil-A I mean; not take myself out. Though I suppose whenever someone goes to a fast food joint alone they’re technically “taking themselves out”.

Sigh. Tired. 17 hour work-day will do that to ya I guess! But for reals guys, I’m really not phased??!!

It’s because life is good, and God is good. He has given me energy, positivity, and great faith. All things that were much needed for today. Now yesterday, to all you technical folks — hey, I’m one of them, I can say that.  😀

This post is for encouragement purposes.

 

“The LORD said to Joshua,

“Do not be afraid of them,

because by this time tomorrow

I will hand all of them, slain,

over to Israel. “

Joshua 11:6

 

Can we just ponder this verse for a second. Yes, I did chop off the part about killing the horses and burning the chariots. That wasn’t the focus I was going for. The focus is this:

The Lord tells Joshua

“do not be afraid”

because “by this time tomorrow”

I will

hand all of them over to Israel

slain.

So let’s break this verse down, so we can see how encouraging it really is.

  1. “The Lord tells Joshua” is encouraging because we have a God who speaks directly to us. He is a personal God.  He is omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent… yet He speaks one-on-one to each of His children….
  2. “do not be afraid” is encouraging because our God knows when we are afraid, and He seeks to console us. He is the Lord who comforts, and He is gentle and kind. He is reassuring and understanding of our fears and doubts and trials, and wants us to know that we are safe.
  3. “because by this time tomorrow” is encouraging because God knows the future. He alone sees all of our days and knows exactly what’s going to happen. He goes before us and paves the way. He promises to protect us and keep us from harm’s way if we abide in Him. No battle or trial will last forever, and God helps us keep perspective on getting through the trial by telling us it will all be over soon.
  4. “I will” is encouraging because it tells us that it’s the Lord God’s will to help His children. He is our Father, and He takes care of us. He is looking out for Joshua and His children and is reassuring them that He, God Himself, will act, by “this time tomorrow”.
  5. “hand all of them over to Israel” is encouraging because the enemies of Joshua and the Israelites aren’t so big and bad that they can take on the holy God of the universe. Nope. They don’t stand a chance against our God. Enemies of God and His children can never win. Never.
  6. “slain” is encouraging because we know that God is the one who slays our enemies. Not us. Not by our hand. Not by our power. GOD slays our enemies. GOD does the hard, dirty work for us. GOD and God alone chooses to fight for His people.

 

Let’s recap: God speaks to us. He speaks to us and prays for us personally. He is comforting and understanding. He alone has the eternal vision. It is His will to help His children. It is His will to help His children. He slays the enemy and enemies.

 

I started this post last night but fell asleep before I finished it. So real quick, the ending I want to tack on ties the whole post together.

Yesterday I worked for 17 hours.

I was worried about how it was going to go.

I was worried about the traveling I would do with my client and her husband and definitely asked a lot of people for prayer.

And God came through.

And He reminded me of the above verse before the day arrived.

“By this time tomorrow…..” gave me such peace. The entire verse gives me such hope. I need never fear for my God is with me. He goes before me and behind me, and hems me in. He makes a way for me and is a lamp unto my feet. He equips me for the task with energy and stamina. He encourages me throughout each day with His sweet Spirit. He fights my battles for me and makes me victorious.

It’s a promise, folks. In the end, we are victorious. Victorious living is one victorious day at a time. And we have victory in Jesus, our Savior, forever.

Oh victory in Jesus (victory in Jesus),

my Savior (my Savior) forever (forever)

He sought me and He bought me

with His redeeming blood (bought me with His blood)

He loved me ‘ere I knew Him

and all my love is due Him

He plunged me to victory

beneath the cleansing flood

 

The day went so smoothly yesterday. He reminded me that it would before it arrived, He encouraged me throughout the very day, and I was able to rejoice before, during, and after, knowing my God was with me.

<3 <3 <3

V

Navigating the dark

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I love it when I can navigate dark places without a light. The memory of where things usually are and the faith that there are no large blockades or objects unusually placed is required. or small Legos something of that sort on the floor. There are not many worse things to step on unexpectedly than a Lego, besides perhaps that nail that Murph? stepped on in Home Alone when he was climbing the tar-covered staircase from the basement to the first floor of the house.

It’s 6:20. I woke up at 5:55 to help a client this morning. She’s ocupado right now and I’m hanging nearby in case she needs help. So I went to the kitchen to get a cup of water. And it was dark. But I knew where the right cabinet was, and where my cup of choice stood waiting for me. And I picked it up and brought it to the fridge and placed it exactly under the water dispenser and proceeded to press upon it and fill up the cup.

That’s when I started thinking about God. He is light, and there is no darkness in Him. There is nowhere we can go to hide. He is with us always, and sees us, and knows us. He navigates our hearts and minds and knows where every part of us resides. He knows how it got there, and He knows how to clean it up if it shouldn’t be there. He is not surprised by the sharp, unfortunately placed Legos on the floor of our hearts, as He’s navigating the darkest places that need His light shined upon them desperately.

He sees all things, knows all things, and is surprised by nothing. And yet He still loves us.

When I was in the darkest of places, you saw me for what I was, and still lavished your love upon me.

Gratitude

<3 thank you Father that you are light

<3 thank you for making us your light here on Earth

<3 thank you for giving us eyes to see

<3 thank you for teaching us how to navigate a dark world

<3 thank you for leading us away from things that make us stumble

<3 thank you for having patience and grace for us as we still trip and fall

<3 thank you for giving us your grace to have for others as they still trip and fall, and sometimes bring us down with them

Lord, without your light and the truth of your word, I can do nothing. You word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. The path you reveal to me is the only one I want to walk. Forgive me for choosing wrong paths.

You are the light of the world and cannot be hidden! Let your light shine before others! Know the source of your light: what Christ has done for you on the cross. By His dying for our sins, He made us right-standing before God, and gives light to see to all who believe in Him through the Holy Spirit and the bible.

Life is bright with you Jesus 🙏🙌

Happy Thursday everyone!

XXX

V

This is the day

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that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!

And I will be productive! And do lots of writing. And singing. And praying. And reading! All things that I can do while I’m at work! Huzzah! Perhaps one day I will get paid to those things and won’t need to have a job as a caregiver. But God knows that I’ve needed the caregiving job! To make me less selfish. Golly. I’m so good at being selfish!

Slowly but surely, I pray and give up my will and ask the Lord to take away my selfishness. Less of me and more of He. Yep

So it’s Thursday. I’m a little worried that it’s going to go like how Tuesday went. I was going a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit crazy on Tuesday because of present company. But today, so far so good. He is tired which makes my life easier. He’s not jumping off the walls and talking up a storm like a freakin’ broken record. Praise God. Truly. I praise you Lord.

So today. As my friend shared with me recently, today I choose to not be a miserable cow. I will be a happy cow!

Current revelation: There’s more to life than weight loss!

Also, on my way to work today, the reason why I want to be thin finally dawned on me: I want people to worship me.

Ha ha ha.

I am so doggone selfish. It’s taaaaaaaayrrible.

But yeah if I’m being real with myself, that’s the honest truth! Haha

My definition of beauty: thin thin thin

So I want to attain this beauty

So people will look at me and not be able to look away

They’ll treat me so kindly

And won’t be able to get mad at me because I’m so pretty

I’ll be revered by all and loved by all.

So. Now that I’m aware of these thoughts I will captivate them and kill them.

#1 they aren’t true.

#2 I don’t want to waste my precious time believing lies anymore

Don’t waste your time believing lies.

Today, I choose not to waste my time believing lies.

Satan, you lose. Don’t you know that? Haha I win. God picked me for his team. I’m on da winning team!

This is what winner’s do: focus on the prize.

So what does the prize look like for me?

  1. Serving Jesus in whatever ways He calls me to
  2. Using my gifts to bring glory to him
  3. Focusing on the Truth about who God is and who I am
  4. Practicing the choice of rejoicing

Today I choose to be joyful! In all of the things that God has given me!

And continue to capture and kill any lies that come my way. Tempting lies to glorify myself. Tempting lies that put me on a pedestal and distract me from the only legitimate prize.

I don’t want to be the god of my own life. That never goes over well and it doesn’t bring me any true satisfaction. Living to serve God and others it the only thing that brings true joy. Praise God for showing me this! Praise God for doing a work within me that takes me off the pedestal and puts Him in his rightful place as Lord over my life!

I live to serve you Jesus!

xoxoxo

<3 V

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Published on by Velvet2 Comments

So it’s been one of those days that I can’t.

I’m just mad about everything. Have a short fuse. Perhaps it’s due to my being a lady and whatnot. But I can’t handle the norm today. I’ve been crying out loud all day. For cryin’ out loud.

 

My bad puns disgust me.

I want to blame everyone else for my issues today. He is SO annoying! Is she serious?!?!?!? But it isn’t them. It’s me. My reactionary skills have digressed to that of a 15 year old. I’m acting with a sense of entitlement and a desire to self-destruct. Self-destructing sounds pretty good right now, actually.

 

I feel like going cray. Like going to a bar and drinking a little more than I should. Not going cray like losing my mind. Though I suppose they’re one in the same. Getting high/drunk and losing your mind. It’s all masking reality. Though one of them is a choice. Going actually crazy is not usually a choice. But if someone didn’t care enough, or didn’t have enough motivation to live and let themselves go, then it kindof is a choice to go crazy.

Though why some people have more motivation than others is a mystery to me. It doesn’t seem fair. I am a person who is extremely motivated, so I can say that. I get stuff done. I make lists and then I proceed to accomplish things on the list and get stuff done. But it does get rather mundane after a while. Or I lose sight of the reason why I’m here in the first place and get depressed.

So let’s touch on that for a mo.

This life ain’t about me. It’s never been about me. Well, it shouldn’t have been. But I spent most of my life making it about me and what I want. What I desire. What I think I need and deserve. Selfish living. Focused on myself. That’s what most people believe life is about. They might not outwardly say it to others and may choose not even to acknowledge it to themselves or they couldn’t go on living the way they did. And it’s no fun to change; seemingly.

However, I’m very appreciative of the knowledge of the truth that has set me apart from my previous ways of living. Now I live for God and others.

Side note. It’s not 100% my fault that I’m annoyed and want to run away and get drunk. The person I’ve been with all day is DEFINITELY contributing to my state of mind. (I write this after observing the sounds and noises he is making from the other room. Those of which he has been making ALL day long. God help me.)

For real, God help me. That’s been my cry all freakin’ day. And He has helped me. And that brings us back to living for God. God has me here and has taught me so much and stretched me so much during this time. But I don’t like to be stretched.

I don’t like to be challenged. I don’t like to suffer. I don’t like to change. I like to do things at my own speed. That’s the problem, see. My natural self is still focused around my own needs and desires. Every single day is a battle of trying to put down my old self and old ways, and clothe myself with Christ. Being a christian is not easy.

And selfishly and foolishly, I wish I wasn’t sometimes. Those times are the times that I lose sight of the bigger picture: the picture of eternity versus the now; this short lifetime.

It’s easy to do, oddly. My feeble mind gets distracted and frustrated by the everyday challenges and I lose sight of the fact that I’m a child of God, and will live eternally with Him in a place with no more pain, suffering or tears someday. But the days drag on in the meantime. It is difficult. The suffering is unwanted. Undesired. I don’t want it Lord; God help me.

And yet, that’s the point. To cry out to God and let Him work. He works things out in us, cuts off the parts of us that don’t benefit us, and perfects us. He perfects us. Through this trial that HE employed, He is setting me free from my Self.

Strange concept, really.

To put it into simpler terms:

I, Velvet, want bad things for myself. In short, pleasure, status, and essentially to be my own god of my own universe where I create the rules and rule as I please.

Unfortunately for me, God made me and the world that I live in and governs it by His established system. There is a right way to do things– this is God’s way– and a wrong way to do things: the way of my natural flesh.

But God showed me the truth about who I am. He revealed to me who He is, that He is in charge, and that I am His creation. I belong to Him and I need Him and I can’t choose the right way for myself. Time and again I chose wrong. And I still do.

But He calls me back. Woos me back; ever so gently. And he teaches me day in and day out to choose His ways and to call on His power through prayer.

So here we are:

It’s not you, _____________, it’s me. I’m frail. I’m weak. I can’t do anything for myself. I need God. I’m useless and hopeless without Him. I choose all the wrong things that lead to nothing good.

And God keeps me, holds me, cares for me, and never gives up on me.

Lord help me to love others like you do. Grow me in faith, hope and trust in You. Forgive me for my short-comings, failures and weaknesses. Thank you that your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Thank you that you don’t expect me to do this thing on my own. Ha! You know that I can’t. And I don’t have to. Thanks to you.

Thoughts?

 

<3 V

Who are you performing for?

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

Is it a man.

Is it a woman?

Is it a person.

Is it for society?

Do you see it as performing?

Acting. Pretending. Guarding. Putting up a front.

Keeping up with the Jones’s.

Mm. I’m guilty of this. Wanting to appear perfect. Untouchable. Having it all together. 

Successful.
But what measures success? Who decides.

If it’s society, success is money, status, fame, amount of friends, size of house, newness of material goods. Attractive-ness level of significant other. Married or not? How well you hide your emotions.

After all, who wants to be with a cracked, broke, ugly, sad person?

img_20180808_115329868

View from Jay Peak in VT. 

Who are you performing for?

I don’t know about you, but I can’t keep up. The appearance, the image. The perfection. I can’t keep up. And it’s when I pretend that I can keep it up that my inevitable failures are so much more brutal. They stare me in the face and smirk. They look me in the eye and laugh. The world laughs along and pities me for trying so hard.

For what? Asking this question every once in a while really puts things into perspective. And I think the answer is fear.

Fear of being alone. Fear of people not liking me. Fear or people not loving me. Fear of people not accepting me.

Fear of people.

Fear of rejection.

Trying to please man.

I’m done trying to please man. 

img_20180713_191709619_hdr

Yorktown, VA

I’m done working so hard to measure up to a false standard. I refuse to compare myself with any other person.

I refuse.

I do not fear.

I am not afraid of being alone.

I am not afraid of not being liked.

I am not afraid of not measuring up to an expectation that I set based on fear of where I think I should be, as compared to someone else.

No more comparisons.

No more comparisons.

In order to stop comparing, I must say this out loud:

Dearest Lord Jesus…..

I believe

you are in control

I believe

you give me grace to desire you closely.

I believe you are ever pulling me closer.

I believe

I am never alone.

I believe

You are the only one I should aim to please.

I believe

you are teaching me how to only please you. Even when it’s not the most popular decision to make. Even when it’s not easy. Even when it seems futile or insignificant to perform menial tasks day after day, not being able to tell if they’re amounting to anything since my focus is too small.

Lord, help me see bigger. Broaden my perspective. Help me see you, focus on you, look at only you, desire only to know you and look like you.

img_20180727_182459586_hdr

God breaking up the skies in Virginia

Forgive me Lord, for not wanting to live to glorify you in every area of my life. Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for my fear. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for my lack of faith.

Use me Lord.

Use me, your servant, Oh Lord.

I need you. I don’t know what’s best for me. I recognize that my will is a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the beautiful will you have lined up for me, when I remain in proximity to you and hear you voice, and abide in You.

To abide in You. That’s what I desire. I’m sick of abiding in my flesh.

Lord, you’ve made me new and given me life. Yet sometimes I … am so disgusted with my flesh. My natural tendencies and desires. The challenge to kill them becomes all the more real. The reality of the necessity of killing them to be whole becomes more real. Oh God, how truly lost I am without you. Oh how quickly I turn from you.

You. It’s about You. Make it about You. Make me about You.
What is me? If not for you.

There is no me. I live for you. I die to self. I become low. I serve.

Thank you for changing me. Change me. Change me. Make me desire you above all.

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Yorktown, VA

I want you alone, O Lord.

Satisfier of my soul. Fulfiller of all things. Keeper of promises. Bringer of hope. Deliverer of life, peace, true love.

God. Alone.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

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