Who are you performing for?

Is it a man.

Is it a woman?

Is it a person.

Is it for society?

Do you see it as performing?

Acting. Pretending. Guarding. Putting up a front.

Keeping up with the Jones’s.

Mm. I’m guilty of this. Wanting to appear perfect. Untouchable. Having it all together.

Successful.
But what measures success? Who decides.

If it’s society, success is money, status, fame, amount of friends, size of house, newness of material goods. Attractive-ness level of significant other. Married or not? How well you hide your emotions.

After all, who wants to be with a cracked, broke, ugly, sad person?

View from Jay Peak in VT.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t keep up. The appearance, the image. The perfection. I can’t keep up. And it’s when I pretend that I can keep it up that my inevitable failures are so much more brutal. They stare me in the face and smirk. They look me in the eye and laugh. The world laughs along and pities me for trying so hard.

For what? Asking this question every once in a while really puts things into perspective. And I think the answer is fear.

Fear of being alone. Fear of people not liking me. Fear or people not loving me. Fear of people not accepting me.

Fear of people.

Fear of rejection.

Trying to please man.

I’m done trying to please man.

Yorktown, VA

I’m done working so hard to measure up to a false standard. I refuse to compare myself with any other person.

I refuse.

I do not fear.

I am not afraid of being alone.

I am not afraid of not being liked.

I am not afraid of not measuring up to an expectation that I set based on fear of where I think I should be, as compared to someone else.

No more comparisons.

In order to stop comparing, I must say this out loud:

Dearest Lord Jesus…..

I believe

you are in control

I believe

you give me grace to desire you closely.

I believe you are ever pulling me closer.

I believe

I am never alone.

I believe

You are the only one I should aim to please.

I believe

you are teaching me how to only please you. Even when it’s not the most popular decision to make. Even when it’s not easy. Even when it seems futile or insignificant to perform menial tasks day after day, not being able to tell if they’re amounting to anything since my focus is too small.

Lord, help me see bigger. Broaden my perspective. Help me see you, focus on you, look at only you, desire only to know you and look like you.

God breaking up the skies in Virginia

Forgive me Lord, for not wanting to live to glorify you in every area of my life. Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for my fear. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for my lack of faith.

Use me Lord.

Use me, your servant, Oh Lord.

I need you. I don’t know what’s best for me. I recognize that my will is a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the beautiful will you have lined up for me, when I remain in proximity to you and hear you voice, and abide in You.

To abide in You. That’s what I desire. I’m sick of abiding in my flesh.

Lord, you’ve made me new and given me life. Yet sometimes I … am so disgusted with my flesh. My natural tendencies and desires. The challenge to kill them becomes all the more real. The reality of the necessity of killing them to be whole becomes more real. Oh God, how truly lost I am without you. Oh how quickly I turn from you.

You. It’s about You. Make it about You. Make me about You.
What is me? If not for you.

There is no me. I live for you. I die to self. I become low. I serve.

Thank you for changing me. Change me. Change me. Make me desire you above all.

Yorktown, VA

I want you alone, O Lord.

Satisfier of my soul. Fulfiller of all things. Keeper of promises. Bringer of hope. Deliverer of life, peace, true love.

God. Alone.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18