Tag: relationships

Dear Ex Who Never Was

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment

Dear Ex Who Never Was,
I’m sorry I can’t be what you need. I see how lost you are and I know you love my energy. I know you want somebody to share your life with. I want that too. But you’d drain me. You’d hate me. You’d kill me if you could. In fact, you already kill me just thinking about how we are so wrong for eachother. 

I want to cry at the prospect of you, hoping you might be him; my love, my strength. My other half. But God hasn’t led me to him yet. The Lord’s building me up and making me stronger every day. But He’s also humbling me and breaking me; showing me how much more I need Him. 

I’m sorry I’m not the her you are looking for. I want so badly to be that her


…so I can have a him. But I must wait for Him before meeting him. 

I pray we both shine brighter every hour, and make each other smile like brothers and sisters building sand castles on the beach, and watching as the tide takes them away~

XoV 

Similarities Between Dating and Cooking (for the ladies)

Published on by Velvet4 Comments

God designed us to live with a partner. We live the best quality of life with a partner. A partner-in-crime, a friend, a spouse. We are designed to desire marriage and unity. Though sometimes, finding this partner seems to take a little too long and we consider settling for the next Joe that comes round the block. But like cooking with haste, dating with haste means resulting in waste.

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Did you ever come across that perfect recipe that seems too good to be true? Only three ingredients, and hardly any work at all! For me, this was sprouted sourdough buckwheat bread.

Yeah, the name alone is a mouthful, I should have known!

But I reeeeeeeeeeeally wanted this easy-as-pie bread to be my next favorite recipe. Is pie really considered that easy?

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I went ahead and made the bread. Starting with soaking and and sprouting the buckwheat. Then processing it into flour. Adding salt and water. Letting it sit on the counter and ferment. Baking that bad boy.

All those steps were fine and dandy. Even fun and anticipatory. The measuring, the soaking, the mixing, the blending, the baking. Kinda like dating…… 😉

But as for the eating……. drum roll……

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You guessed it.

It was the worst thing ever.

The bread tasted terrible.

The texture was terrible.

It smelled bad. It looked worse. I never made it again.

Okay I did actually try to make it again one time. And it STILL SUCKED. I would rather eat

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Maybe not.

So what went wrong?

Simple: the ingredients were wrong. There was no butter, oil or eggs in it. The flavor of buckwheat alone isn’t that great in my opinion. It was too bland, too dry. Too gross. The texture was off. I should have known all of this when I read the recipe.

But I really wanted it to be great. I really believed it was going to be awesome. I was psyched about it like bread is psyched about butter.

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But in dating and cooking alike, believing something will be great is different from something being great. If the ingredients are all wrong, the outcome will also be all wrong.

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Ladies, don’t settle for the bad ones

Don’t settle for someone that is less than your standards. If hottie #1 takes an interest in you but has some weird regimes, take it slow. You don’t have to try and compensate for his weird regimes as if he is the last man on earth that will ever be interested in you.

Odds are, he is FAR from the last. Like a recipe, give the relationship time and TLC, adding things slowly and with care, and seeing if it turns into anything worthwhile. If things get too funky, you don’t have to get involved.

Kitchen tips: When in doubt, keep the heat lower.

Also, tell your friends about him and get their opinions. It’s better to feed one bad cookie to one good friend than twelve bad cookies to twelve …

I forget how that saying goes.

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Hottie #2 is showing some real potential on paper, but he’s coming on pretty strong. Like a million miles an hour strong. He’s totally boiling over but you can’t control his output like you can with a steam-whale.

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So what do you do to relieve the pressure?

Turn the heat WAY down

Give him some space and just keep an eye on the situation. See if you both are a good match once the initial excitement has worn off. If he makes you feel the same irksome, uncomfortable way each time, cut off the heat completely, turn on the fan, and pour the mixture down the drain! Once it’s cool enough, that is.  🙂

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🙂

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And then there’s hottie #3. He’s a slow-and-steady-wins-the-race kinda guy, but seems unsure of what he wants. Sometimes he gives you a little sugar. Sometimes he gives you a little spice. Keep this one on the back-burner on a low simmah and be careful not to add too much sugar or salt since you aren’t sure how it’s going to turn out. Sometimes recipes turn out unexpectedly good. <3

Or not!

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The fact is, we’ve all wondered about the outcome when beginning to talk to a new potential dating candidate. We create scenario after scenario in our heads from what the first date will be like, all the way to what the wedding day will be like. And it is very tempting to try to expect people to fit the person we are picturing in our heads. But alas, esa no es la vida. We cannot force a man to be the man we need any better than we can force an egg to be the sugar we need.

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At the end of the day, the right man will present himself who has just the right amount of sweetness, is the perfect texture that we oh-so-adore, and leaves you feeling more satisfied than a winter stew.

But like cooking, we need to input good ingredients to get good outcomes. We need to stay true to our values, not be swayed and bend to someone else’s moral compass, and definitely not settle for less than what we love and deserve.

If you are craving a recipe with chocolate, don’t settle for one with cinnamon, or you won’t be satisfied.

We need to be patient and not turn up the high heat: every chef knows this will burn, char, scar and ruin dishes. Don’t rush into a relationship just because you want to make it happen so badly. Good things take long amounts of time to turn into better and beautiful things.

And above all, remember that dating, like cooking, is an art. The outcome of dating should be to find a suitable life-long partner that will bring you great joy and satisfy your human desires for community, intimacy and trust.

Like cooking, whatever you put into the relationship will change the outcome. Especially the amount of time. Fine wines and cheeses are best when aged. Flavors soak in over time and become richer and more decadent.

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Which recipe will you cook next?!

xo

V

The Easy Thing To Do

Published on by Velvet5 Comments
The message of this post is that it’s easy to hate others and it’s easy to hate ourselves.

I’m not here to judge you.

I’m here to love you.

It’s not always the easy thing to do, is it?

As brothers and sisters on this planet, it is our job to keep each other accountable. Some of us have different ways of doing that. For some, judging and mocking and feeling proud when we are ahead of others is how we spur one another on in “love”. I know I have cackled maniacally when people around me stumbled, and I was a bit smug that I wasn’t the one stumbling. Though it’s funny how God has a way of reminding us that we are no more important than anyone else on this planet. Sometimes His ways are more uncomfortable than others.

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But the point is this: we are here to intercede on our brothers and sisters behalf; not criticize.

When someone is doing something wrong, or clearly needs help growing in a certain area, and we happen to have a better way of doing it, we should teach them.

“God never gives us discernment in order that we may criticize, but that we may intercede”

-Oswald Chambers-

The easy thing to do is hate. To judge, sneer, mock, laugh, be proud, be self-absorbed.

That is too doggone easy.

The easy thing is to compare ourselves to others and feel as though we are “winning” if we aren’t as clumsy, gluttonous, obsessive, non-confrontational, ballistic, attention-seeking or rude as the people around us.

The easy thing to do is to cut people off. To decide it’s easier to brush off hard conversations, “deal” with things later, stop talking to someone instead of working things out. Run away and burn the bridge. The easy thing to do is to just build a new bridge.

Hating others is easy

Why does it seem easier to run, hide, and hate? Keyword “seem” here. Since really, avoiding loving people in the first place makes things 10x harder in the end. It’s a hard lesson to learn and sadly, some people never learn it! I know people in their 80s who still can’t see the forest for the trees when it comes to looking past the offensive person or situation and seeing it as a test from God; an opportunity to grow and do the right thing. An opportunity to shed light in the darkness and grow something new.

When people offend us, criticize us, mock us, laugh at us, treat us badly, hurt us, hate us, and reject us, we should simply: respond in love. At first, it’s hard.

Forget hard. It’s ridiculous. It’s extremely difficult. Seemingly pointless. You may think “The other person doesn’t deserve it. They can keep screwing up and I’m not going to help them because they deserve to suffer.”

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Which, they just might deserve that. But that isn’t for you to decide. It is not our job to criticize.

C r i t i c i z i n g   i s   e a s y .

It’s a cop-out.

It’s the automatic, child-like desire of the human heart to hurt people back when they hurt us first.

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But it isn’t what Jesus intended for us. That’s why Jesus died for our sin; so we will be saved from our meager selves and be able to shine His divine light and live according to His Holy Spirit; not our own. Not our own sad, selfish, cackling, childish, hateful, struggling selves.

It’s not easy to look past others’ faults and love them.

And not because they first love us.

But because showing others love that isn’t from ourselves is a testimony to the love that God has for us.

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It’s also easy to hate ourselves.

Besides criticizing other people whether they are failing, we also criticize ourselves when people are doing better than us! When others are more successful in whatever area we are striving to be successful in, we let others successes, blessings, and happiness kill our joy.

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This is coming from Satan.

Isn’t it awful?

Shouldn’t we be able to celebrate others happiness’s and riches and not compare them to our own and wish we had it better?

Being dissatisfied with what we have is poison.

Comparing our worth to others is poison.

Judging and criticizing others is poison.

Yet it’s where our hearts naturally go. It’s the natural response.

But wait

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Do you wish to break away from these responses and rise above yourself to a love and satisfaction that can only come from a source that’s bigger than you?

Do you wish to grow from a childlike response to a mature response?

Do you wish to be satisfied in who you are no matter who you stand among?

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He makes us anew and loves us just as we are.

Comment with questions, responses, stories.

<3

xoV

family

Published on by Velvet2 Comments

It was 7:00 am and the sun hadn’t risen from behind the trees yet. The air felt damp and as if  a cloud had recently departed. My feet took one step after the other as my legs, arms, shoulders, back and lungs started to wake up. I breathed in deeply and said hello to the man walking his dog on the opposite side of the road. I’d see him again one block and three hundred ideas later and we might gather a little more about who we each are from a distance. Only if we were in the same vicinity day after day would we really see the depths of who we each are, what makes us tick, and what our eating habits are.

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That’s what families do. You wake up every day and see the same faces and bodies dance around in similar patterns. In and out of the kitchen boiling water and frying eggs and swiffering the floor. You see a sister through a window out in the yard picking the dead off of pants, gathering tomatoes and searchingly looking up at the sky as a book lay gently open on her lap. You see a brother on the opposite side of the counter-top, eating an impromptu luncheon at 2:00 in the afternoon with his fingers, and licking the crumbs off of his thumbs. A mother drops a glass jar on the kitchen floor and smiles matter-of-factly as she hunts for the broom.

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We do things out of love for each other. We give each other time to think through what we’re saying and don’t rush each other. We talk openly about plans, meetings, dates, gatherings, aspirations and try to do what we can to please and help each other. When trouble faces us we are not quick to blame each other, but we graciously inquire as to what happened, how it happened and how better we can do things next time.

We teach each other and learn from each other at all ages. Some of the smallest children can be some of the best teachers. Lord knows we need faith like a child. And that kids say the darnedest things! Combine these two qualities and you’ve got a young, wise comedian in your midst. A five year old thinker who innocently challenges what you think you know; who sucks in any and all information around him/her like a starving sponge and plays it back like a recorder at any later time or date. So don’t go getting angry at your child for repeating things you’ve blasphemed in their presence! They heard it from you, after all.

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And my, oh my, this applies to all family members; not just cute children. We are all mirrors of each other. Mirrors and teachers. And like a mirror, all qualities are revealed in the looking glass. We must always be careful to emit our most fruitful qualities so we aren’t unpleasantly surprised by our own bad karmas; which we all have!

Humans are not perfect: we will all wrong each other at times. And when we do, uncomfortable conversations will follow. Or feelings of avoidance. Or actual avoidance. And when this is the case, all operations must cease until the bad feelings are ironed out. That’s what families do. They stay on the same page. They communicate. They collaborate. And when a family binds together, their force is so strong that nothing could break them.

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Moms, dads, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins, grandparents and the like are such gifts to us. Such intimate relationships we are born with are often taken for granted but we must NOT take them for granted. Knowing the ins and outs of our family members’ lives is such a unique and peculiar insight to another human being. We keep each other accountable. We empathize and sympathize with each other. We know how to help each other. We know how to gift each other. We can reach out to one another when we need help. We can spend time with each other and enjoy it. We understand each other and don’t have a choice. We know each other.

Family is such a complex concept. People we love without condition; no matter if they hurt us, wrong us, frustrate us, shock us, offend us, walk on us. These are people we protect and stand up for and tell the hard truths to. People whose actions we keep accountable. People we know and love and feel a pang in our hearts for when they hurt. People we think about, love and miss from afar and can pick up right where we leave off.

Family says:

I love you as you are, and nothing you can do will keep me from that <3

I miss you, and my doors are open for you whenever you return <3

Family is:

Not confined to blood relatives <3

Always somewhat broken <3

<3

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Call your family and tell them how much you love them. Even if it’s hard. Even if there’s hurt. Even when it seems easier to distance yourself. Your family will always be yours… always

xoV

Learning how to love

Published on by VelvetLeave a comment
The word “love” is mentioned 38 times in this post.

Do you know how to love? Really think about it. How many healthy, positive, relationships do you have in your life? Are most, some or any of them thriving? Do you feel like you are receiving as much love as you are giving in your relationships? Maybe you are married or dating someone who you wish would do or say things differently. Maybe you feel like your friendship with somebody is one-sided and you’re tired of trying so hard.

It’s hard to love some people. Personally, it’s hard to love my family sometimes.

But since I value having quality relationships with them, I’m learning how to practice unconditional love. It’s been a few years of healing that are far from over.

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I know I’m not the only one that struggles to ask “how can I make your life easier?” or “what can I do to help you?” to people that can be ungrateful, unpleasant or unappreciative.

I’m not the only one who is quick to give advice when maybe all the other person wanted was a listening ear, or a heartfelt hug.

I’m not the only one to withdraw my love when I’ve felt like somebody else has withdrawn theirs. Or to withdraw my self instead of communicating my feelings with whoever is causing me or someone else pain.

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This isn’t just a book review, I swear.

Gary Chapman originally wrote “The Five Love Languages for Married Couples” to help sustain marriages. He got such an incredible response that he decided to write a book with the same concepts for singles. This book focuses on a whole lot more than just romantic relationships. The methods outlined in the book can be applied to any relationship in your life.

Chapman theorizes that there are five different ways that humans show love to others, and five ways that humans crave to feel loved.

  1. Verbally: complimenting and praising others

  2. Spending time: one-on-one time, focusing on them

  3. Acts of service: doing the laundry, raking the leaves, running errands

  4. Gifts: giving thoughtful gifts at any time for no apparent reason

  5. Physical Touch: hugs, kisses, a press on the arm, a squeeze on the shoulder

 

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Often times we find ourselves frustrated with our relationship with another person.

We might be mad at a family member for habitually tracking sand up the stairwell after coming in from outside.

We might be upset with our SO or spouse because they never say “thank you” enough after cooking them a nice meal.

We could resent our aunt for forgetting to send a birthday card two years in a row.

The love that I crave is different than the love my sister craves. I need to spend quality time with people to fill my love tank. She needs to give and receive hugs and touch to fill her love tank.

The love I give and crave is different than the love my stepmom gives and craves. I give her a basket of yarn to show my love for her, when what she craved was for somebody to wash the kitchen floors for once. She prepares food and vacuums to show her love for me when I craved to be invited to watch a show with her in the living room.

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If we don’t understand the kind of love a person is showing, we don’t feel loved. When we don’t give the kind of love a person is seeking, they don’t feel loved. It’s important to understand what kind of love people crave, and how we give it.

Gary Chapman gives lots of real-life examples of people overcoming tough times in their relationships with others after effectively learning to love them. Learning how to love enhances relationships.

One of my favorite quotes from the book The Five Love Languages for Singles, found on page 148 is:

“Our differences are numerous, but our basic needs are the same. If we are to serve people, which is life’s highest calling, then we must know them — male and female.”

This book has helped me tremendously and I’ve been raving about it to most everyone in my life. Cuz lets be honest, we ALLLLL got problems with other people in our lives. By reading this book, you can learn what kinds of love make you most fulfilled, which ways you tend to express love to others, and figure out which way other people in your life need to be loved and how you can practice loving them.

It’s worth it, I promise.

Love you all <3

Come again!
V

What if it’s not about WHO you marry, but WHY?

Published on by Velvet6 Comments

Love, relationships, dating, marriage. Why do we do these things?

Because we love Love. We all seek to be loved; to be understood. To be desired, chased. We need love and closeness. We need avenues for us to be vulnerable. To be romantic.

Some people seek love for support. For help in everyday life. To have an extra set of physical or emotional hands to get us through the days. Tit for tat.

Some people seek lust. We all desire beauty. It’s human nature to look at pretty things. For most people, love is defined by lust. Especially for men. Oxytocin is a hormone released in our bodies after experiencing moments of bonding; kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc. that produces the feeling of being “in love”. This is one reason why lust and love can be so confusing.

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Isn’t this adorable? Love and words and books. What else is there?! <3

For Christmas this year, my aunt and uncle gave me a copy of Gary Thomas’s The Sacred Search. I read it in all of three days. Three busy days, mind you.

It’s about love and commitment, desire and satisfaction. It explains most all of the different reasons why people marry; and discusses what happens as a result.

Is it because you’re “in love”? What does that really mean?

Is it because you’ve “invested  a lot of time” and feel it’s too late?

Is it because you “don’t want to hurt” your significant other (SO)?

Is it because you’ve “already told everyone” and feel you can’t back up?

Are you “comfortable” and unwilling to change?

Do you believe marriage is hopeless and that all marriages fail, so why bother?

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Gary Thomas explains infatuation in typical relationships and what usually ends up happening. He explains the reality of the physical bond created between people as a result of physical intimacy and how blinding it is. Thomas explains the importance of making sure you’re marrying the right person and why it’s OK to postpone the wedding if you feel you’re in too deep.

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Gary lays down easy-to-read “how-to” steps in seeking marriage and a loving relationship. He advises the reader on what to look for in an individual, but also what to look for in one’s self.

In chapter 11, Thomas lists some key traits that every SO should have in order to be a sustainable partner for 50-60 years.

“This person:

is humble

is forgiving

resolves conflict in a healthy way

knows how to communicate

prays

is skilled in the art of friendship” (Thomas p. 143).

Thomas highlights the importance of not hastily jumping into marriage, but taking slow measures to cultivate a relationship that will flourish well beyond any human years on this planet. By setting ourselves up for an eternal relationship, with God at the center, we will find success.

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If you are in a relationship and are thinking about getting married this book is for you.

If you are single and thinking about getting married this book is for you.

If you are in an unsatisfactory marriage and seeking tips on how to strengthen your relationship this book is for you.

If you are in a satisfactory marriage and seeking tips on how to strengthen your relationship this book is for you.

Not all marriages fail. In life, we reap what we sow, and haste makes waste. Check out Gary Thomas’s The Sacred Search to learn how to cultivate a lasting relationship, with time and careful consideration.

Hope you enjoyed this post! “Like” to see more posts like this one!

Love you all! 🙂

<3 V

okay, I’m going

Published on by Velvet1 Comment

Two days ago.

“Okay I’m going. I’m going. I’m just going to put on a bra and my shoes and get the hell out the door. I’ll feel so much better if I just get. The. Hell. Out. The. Door.

And don’t forget the bible. A bunch of young people will be there, it’ll be good. It’ll be fun. I’m only here for a few weeks. I told everyone I’d be back. I’ll remain consistent with what I say I’ll do if I go.

There’s a part of me that wants to stay wants to just collapse on this couch and not get up for the whole night. The part of me that wants to stay wants to elevate my poor right leg and stop the swelling from pounding through the underside of my knee. The part of me that wants to stay wants to wallow in my own pity that it’s been three days since the boy* has texted me. And I’ll probably swallow lots of gelato to help myself properly wallow in that pity, and perhaps put on a cheesy romance movie about a couple that tries to make love happen but life gets in the way.

Sounds like another super-productive night if yask me.”

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Luna the cat, accurately depicting my current state of mind

Last night.

“Why do I have to go to the gym? Oh yeah, it was because I said I’d go. I agreed. At the time it made sense. I had wanted to do some exercise. It would be a chance to bond with my cousin.

‘Marcus might be at the gym when we go!’ my cousin sang as she walked through the door with hands full of her purse, keys, phone and a shopping bag. Oh, joy. Can’t wait to meet him. My affect was flatter than five-day-old road-kill; at the point when the squashed squirrel would need to be peeled off the road. 🙂

I was hungry. I no longer wanted to go to the gym. It was past 7:00PM. I wanted to stuff my face full of quesadillas and hit the hay. Alone.”

Tonight.

The same. I’m the same. We’re supposed to go to a pot-luck but it’s just one of those nights that I don’t feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I’ve been with two toddlers all day and just want to be by myself tonight. But we’ll go. I’ll go. It’ll be FUN! 🙂

Sometimes I just feel like being alone.

–> By the way, pursuing men ain’t the way, ladies. It AIN’T the way. I almost texted this person that I was thinking about but stopped myself each time reminding myself that it just wasn’t me. And I’m so glad that I didn’t give in.

I really believe that men will pursue the women they are interested in. And also, if you click with somebody, you’ll find that you can’t get enough of that person and you won’t want to stop hanging out with them. Not everyone clicks — ese es la vida! <–

Tomorrow.

Okay. Reasons why I’ll go:

I’ll be happy that I went.

I’ll have had some great(?) conversation.

I’ll have met and talked to someone new.

I’ll remain credible and consistent.

I won’t go crazy over things floating around in my head.

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Oh yeah, this

Taking steps is hard… The struggle of being semi-introverted. Or perhaps “human” is the word I’m looking for?

*”the boy” is starred simply as an opportunity to talk about what a “boy” this person really is. Not a man. This person is a boy. And I’m glad we aren’t in contact.

**phone buzzes. Yay it’s him!!!

Only joking. 🙂

It wasn’t him.

Sigh. Love being a woman sometimes.

Much love <3 V