Tag: Jesus

This is the day

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that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!

And I will be productive! And do lots of writing. And singing. And praying. And reading! All things that I can do while I’m at work! Huzzah! Perhaps one day I will get paid to those things and won’t need to have a job as a caregiver. But God knows that I’ve needed the caregiving job! To make me less selfish. Golly. I’m so good at being selfish!

Slowly but surely, I pray and give up my will and ask the Lord to take away my selfishness. Less of me and more of He. Yep

So it’s Thursday. I’m a little worried that it’s going to go like how Tuesday went. I was going a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit crazy on Tuesday because of present company. But today, so far so good. He is tired which makes my life easier. He’s not jumping off the walls and talking up a storm like a freakin’ broken record. Praise God. Truly. I praise you Lord.

So today. As my friend shared with me recently, today I choose to not be a miserable cow. I will be a happy cow!

Current revelation: There’s more to life than weight loss!

Also, on my way to work today, the reason why I want to be thin finally dawned on me: I want people to worship me.

Ha ha ha.

I am so doggone selfish. It’s taaaaaaaayrrible.

But yeah if I’m being real with myself, that’s the honest truth! Haha

My definition of beauty: thin thin thin

So I want to attain this beauty

So people will look at me and not be able to look away

They’ll treat me so kindly

And won’t be able to get mad at me because I’m so pretty

I’ll be revered by all and loved by all.

So. Now that I’m aware of these thoughts I will captivate them and kill them.

#1 they aren’t true.

#2 I don’t want to waste my precious time believing lies anymore

Don’t waste your time believing lies.

Today, I choose not to waste my time believing lies.

Satan, you lose. Don’t you know that? Haha I win. God picked me for his team. I’m on da winning team!

This is what winner’s do: focus on the prize.

So what does the prize look like for me?

  1. Serving Jesus in whatever ways He calls me to
  2. Using my gifts to bring glory to him
  3. Focusing on the Truth about who God is and who I am
  4. Practicing the choice of rejoicing

Today I choose to be joyful! In all of the things that God has given me!

And continue to capture and kill any lies that come my way. Tempting lies to glorify myself. Tempting lies that put me on a pedestal and distract me from the only legitimate prize.

I don’t want to be the god of my own life. That never goes over well and it doesn’t bring me any true satisfaction. Living to serve God and others it the only thing that brings true joy. Praise God for showing me this! Praise God for doing a work within me that takes me off the pedestal and puts Him in his rightful place as Lord over my life!

I live to serve you Jesus!

xoxoxo

<3 V

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Published on by Velvet2 Comments

So it’s been one of those days that I can’t.

I’m just mad about everything. Have a short fuse. Perhaps it’s due to my being a lady and whatnot. But I can’t handle the norm today. I’ve been crying out loud all day. For cryin’ out loud.

 

My bad puns disgust me.

I want to blame everyone else for my issues today. He is SO annoying! Is she serious?!?!?!? But it isn’t them. It’s me. My reactionary skills have digressed to that of a 15 year old. I’m acting with a sense of entitlement and a desire to self-destruct. Self-destructing sounds pretty good right now, actually.

 

I feel like going cray. Like going to a bar and drinking a little more than I should. Not going cray like losing my mind. Though I suppose they’re one in the same. Getting high/drunk and losing your mind. It’s all masking reality. Though one of them is a choice. Going actually crazy is not usually a choice. But if someone didn’t care enough, or didn’t have enough motivation to live and let themselves go, then it kindof is a choice to go crazy.

Though why some people have more motivation than others is a mystery to me. It doesn’t seem fair. I am a person who is extremely motivated, so I can say that. I get stuff done. I make lists and then I proceed to accomplish things on the list and get stuff done. But it does get rather mundane after a while. Or I lose sight of the reason why I’m here in the first place and get depressed.

So let’s touch on that for a mo.

This life ain’t about me. It’s never been about me. Well, it shouldn’t have been. But I spent most of my life making it about me and what I want. What I desire. What I think I need and deserve. Selfish living. Focused on myself. That’s what most people believe life is about. They might not outwardly say it to others and may choose not even to acknowledge it to themselves or they couldn’t go on living the way they did. And it’s no fun to change; seemingly.

However, I’m very appreciative of the knowledge of the truth that has set me apart from my previous ways of living. Now I live for God and others.

Side note. It’s not 100% my fault that I’m annoyed and want to run away and get drunk. The person I’ve been with all day is DEFINITELY contributing to my state of mind. (I write this after observing the sounds and noises he is making from the other room. Those of which he has been making ALL day long. God help me.)

For real, God help me. That’s been my cry all freakin’ day. And He has helped me. And that brings us back to living for God. God has me here and has taught me so much and stretched me so much during this time. But I don’t like to be stretched.

I don’t like to be challenged. I don’t like to suffer. I don’t like to change. I like to do things at my own speed. That’s the problem, see. My natural self is still focused around my own needs and desires. Every single day is a battle of trying to put down my old self and old ways, and clothe myself with Christ. Being a christian is not easy.

And selfishly and foolishly, I wish I wasn’t sometimes. Those times are the times that I lose sight of the bigger picture: the picture of eternity versus the now; this short lifetime.

It’s easy to do, oddly. My feeble mind gets distracted and frustrated by the everyday challenges and I lose sight of the fact that I’m a child of God, and will live eternally with Him in a place with no more pain, suffering or tears someday. But the days drag on in the meantime. It is difficult. The suffering is unwanted. Undesired. I don’t want it Lord; God help me.

And yet, that’s the point. To cry out to God and let Him work. He works things out in us, cuts off the parts of us that don’t benefit us, and perfects us. He perfects us. Through this trial that HE employed, He is setting me free from my Self.

Strange concept, really.

To put it into simpler terms:

I, Velvet, want bad things for myself. In short, pleasure, status, and essentially to be my own god of my own universe where I create the rules and rule as I please.

Unfortunately for me, God made me and the world that I live in and governs it by His established system. There is a right way to do things– this is God’s way– and a wrong way to do things: the way of my natural flesh.

But God showed me the truth about who I am. He revealed to me who He is, that He is in charge, and that I am His creation. I belong to Him and I need Him and I can’t choose the right way for myself. Time and again I chose wrong. And I still do.

But He calls me back. Woos me back; ever so gently. And he teaches me day in and day out to choose His ways and to call on His power through prayer.

So here we are:

It’s not you, _____________, it’s me. I’m frail. I’m weak. I can’t do anything for myself. I need God. I’m useless and hopeless without Him. I choose all the wrong things that lead to nothing good.

And God keeps me, holds me, cares for me, and never gives up on me.

Lord help me to love others like you do. Grow me in faith, hope and trust in You. Forgive me for my short-comings, failures and weaknesses. Thank you that your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Thank you that you don’t expect me to do this thing on my own. Ha! You know that I can’t. And I don’t have to. Thanks to you.

Thoughts?

 

<3 V

Who are you performing for?

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Is it a man.

Is it a woman?

Is it a person.

Is it for society?

Do you see it as performing?

Acting. Pretending. Guarding. Putting up a front.

Keeping up with the Jones’s.

Mm. I’m guilty of this. Wanting to appear perfect. Untouchable. Having it all together. 

Successful.
But what measures success? Who decides.

If it’s society, success is money, status, fame, amount of friends, size of house, newness of material goods. Attractive-ness level of significant other. Married or not? How well you hide your emotions.

After all, who wants to be with a cracked, broke, ugly, sad person?

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View from Jay Peak in VT. 

Who are you performing for?

I don’t know about you, but I can’t keep up. The appearance, the image. The perfection. I can’t keep up. And it’s when I pretend that I can keep it up that my inevitable failures are so much more brutal. They stare me in the face and smirk. They look me in the eye and laugh. The world laughs along and pities me for trying so hard.

For what? Asking this question every once in a while really puts things into perspective. And I think the answer is fear.

Fear of being alone. Fear of people not liking me. Fear or people not loving me. Fear of people not accepting me.

Fear of people.

Fear of rejection.

Trying to please man.

I’m done trying to please man. 

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Yorktown, VA

I’m done working so hard to measure up to a false standard. I refuse to compare myself with any other person.

I refuse.

I do not fear.

I am not afraid of being alone.

I am not afraid of not being liked.

I am not afraid of not measuring up to an expectation that I set based on fear of where I think I should be, as compared to someone else.

No more comparisons.

No more comparisons.

In order to stop comparing, I must say this out loud:

Dearest Lord Jesus…..

I believe

you are in control

I believe

you give me grace to desire you closely.

I believe you are ever pulling me closer.

I believe

I am never alone.

I believe

You are the only one I should aim to please.

I believe

you are teaching me how to only please you. Even when it’s not the most popular decision to make. Even when it’s not easy. Even when it seems futile or insignificant to perform menial tasks day after day, not being able to tell if they’re amounting to anything since my focus is too small.

Lord, help me see bigger. Broaden my perspective. Help me see you, focus on you, look at only you, desire only to know you and look like you.

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God breaking up the skies in Virginia

Forgive me Lord, for not wanting to live to glorify you in every area of my life. Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for my fear. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for my lack of faith.

Use me Lord.

Use me, your servant, Oh Lord.

I need you. I don’t know what’s best for me. I recognize that my will is a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the beautiful will you have lined up for me, when I remain in proximity to you and hear you voice, and abide in You.

To abide in You. That’s what I desire. I’m sick of abiding in my flesh.

Lord, you’ve made me new and given me life. Yet sometimes I … am so disgusted with my flesh. My natural tendencies and desires. The challenge to kill them becomes all the more real. The reality of the necessity of killing them to be whole becomes more real. Oh God, how truly lost I am without you. Oh how quickly I turn from you.

You. It’s about You. Make it about You. Make me about You.
What is me? If not for you.

There is no me. I live for you. I die to self. I become low. I serve.

Thank you for changing me. Change me. Change me. Make me desire you above all.

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Yorktown, VA

I want you alone, O Lord.

Satisfier of my soul. Fulfiller of all things. Keeper of promises. Bringer of hope. Deliverer of life, peace, true love.

God. Alone.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

<3

I dance while I swim

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Wow. Here I am, inside Aroma’s coffee shoppe. I just went swimming at the Community Center on Jefferson Avenue. As I was swimming the sky opened up and the sun shone through the many windows on the West wall filling the entire pool room with light. And I thought about the scripture “put on the armor of light” which comes from the book of Romans. I felt as though I was wearing an armor of light in that moment and a wide grin spread across my face just like the light spread across the bottom of the pool below me as I swam down the lane, just before touching the wall.

And I started mentally putting on the armor of Christ. First, the belt of truth. Then the breastplate of righteousness. Followed by the shoes of peace. Then the helmet of salvation. And then I picked up the sword of the spirit, which is the Word of God. And I lifted up the shield of faith. And nothing could touch me. And I knew it. I know it. Nothing can touch me as long as the armor of God is on me. And I don’t have to consciously put on the armor every day, as in going through the prayer in my mind. I have the armor on already because I am in Christ. I have been in Christ for almost three years. I confessed that Jesus was my Lord and Savior when I was about 7 or 8 years old but I didn’t understand what that really meant until almost three years ago. Three years in June. A child of God. A child of light. For God is light. And we are called to be like Him. And we are being conformed to His image a little more each day.

I am the light in the room. I am the light in the pool that floods the space and brightens my face and the faces of others. I cannot be ignored. I am set apart. I am not of the world. I am holy, because Christ makes me holy. I am righteous, because Christ has made me righteous.

And so I swam. And I… danced. I danced. I smiled and danced. Each time I took a breath I wonder if the lifeguard off to my left side saw my smiling face as I gulped for air.

I hope he did.

And I hope he wondered why I was filled with joy. I like to think that I would have been filled with that same joy even if the sun hadn’t come through the windows. I know I could never have this joy if the Son hadn’t come through the window of my life and woken me up almost three years ago. I was swimming in an especially dark place then and wasn’t even aware of how dead I was. How much I needed Him. But when the light came in, when the Son shone in, it brightened everything. I saw everything so much more clearly. My life. My position. My priorities. My aspirations. My dedications. My value. My worth. All of these things rooted in the wrong things. Because if God is not first and foremost; if God is not at the center of my life and my thoughts and all that I do, I am swimming aimlessly. I’m swimming all over the pool and never getting anywhere. I’m swimming slowly and with so much effort and never accomplishing any goals. But when that light shone in, when the light shines in, I have order. I can see clearly now the rain is gone. Just kidding, I can see clearly how much tile is preceding the wall before I have to turn. I can see rays glittering through the water casting curvy, artistic shadows on the pool floor. I am reminded of light, the Father of light. Jesus, the light of the world. I am reminded that I am that same light, because He bought me and made me so. I am His. And He is mine.

And I swim. And I dance.

V

Sunday

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Today has been a long day. To say the least. I’ve been up since 6:00am. Got to church at 7. Played music at 8. Went to Starbucks at 8:30. Til 10. Then putzed around until church at 11. Then walked in the woods for a while, which was nice. The sun was out today, which was also nice. And I listened to a good sermon on what Jesus has done for me and how I owe him my whole life and nothing less.

I am rather deadpan today. As opposed to alivepan. Just kidding, that’s silly, and doesn’t make much sense. I think I’ll go to the store now and get some Halo Top.

So I just got back from the store. Took 20 minutes. Not bad, considering I sat in the car and listened to about half of “Stars” by Skillet

 

 

SO that was good and uplifting. Reminds me that God’s got it in the bag. When I’m having a hard day, He’s GOT it…! I just need to ask for help.

In the store, my cashier was super cute. Not in the traditional sense though. She had a boyish haircut and was pretty overweight, and normally probably wouldn’t have been confident or talkative. I’ve actually had her as my cashier before and she acted like she wasn’t sure if I was going to judge her or not, as she clearly judged herself. This is a way that I’ve changed since re-committing my life to Jesus: I no longer dominate other women with my eyes and attitude and behaviors to get an ego boost. I would try to dominate so I could feel powerful and good about myself. Praise God that now I desire to lift up other women and show them love and affection and empathy and compassion!!!!!

Anyway, she was confident tonight because her frand or boo-thang, or half-boo-whatever-flirt-crush walked by her and she made a comment to him like “it creeps me out when you slip behind me like that”; even though he simply walked by. Though I understand what it’s like to have a crush. You do or say whatever to get their attention onto YOU. You do whatever you can to get noticed. Louder. Flirtier. It was cute. And made me smile. I’m glad I went to the store. For multiple reasons. Including my pint of S’mores HaloTop ice cream which I’m about to eat….!!!!!

Another song I heard on the way home was “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Danny Gokey. Here is the chorus:

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
So I did. I told my heart to beat again. Words do have the power to bring life or death.
Proverbs 18:21 says “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
So I am going to speak good words to myself. Life-filled words. I am going to listen to life-giving music, messages. I am going to spend my time with life-giving people. And I am going to read the ultimate life-giving resource: the bible. Praise God for giving us this amazing book of truth to govern our lives and know Him personally.
He keeps no secrets from us about how to live a fulfilling life. Starting with surrendering your life to Jesus and admitting you need help. You can’t do it on your own. You don’t have the control you thought you had. You can’t make people and things do what you want and happen the way you want them to. But it’s okay. Because God is available to you and wants to help you. Hear you.
Today I was feeling rather dark. Tired. Sleepy. Sleep-deprivation causes depression for sure. But even through that, the Lord has picked me up. Helped me up. Given me the time and the tools I needed to be restored. He is my well-spring of energy. Christians are not supposed to work and live on their own strength. We have the Holy Spirit and ought to let Him do the work. So I call on God.
Praise God for helping me get through this day… and for giving me so many blessings along the way. For sleep. For church. For music. Guitar. Talent. Coffee. Friends. Singing. Praising. Prayer. The Bible. Truth. Sunshine. Walks in the woods. My phone. My car. Time. Safety. Energy. My house. My job. Rest. My computer. The internet. Videos. Ice cream. Money. People. Inspiration. Wine. Pretzel chips. Hope.
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:23
So now I’m going to go eat my halo top and revel in my blessings. <3
#blessed
xoxoxo