laugh or cry

not sure which I should do

i feel like sleeping. I should probably do that. More of that, since it’s all I’ve done today. Interesting

my body isn’t a machine. SURPRISE

did anybody else know this?! Just kidding, I can’t pretend that it’s a surprise to me. If I act surprised I’m lying to myself and everyone else. Though I suppose I’ve had to lie quite a bit to myself to get to this point.

Running. I’ve been running and just doing without a lot of thinking preceding or following after. That’s never a good thing. I want to think and prepare before doing the thing, and then debrief afterwards and determine what worked and what could have been done better.

I get it, that’s not real life all the time. Sometimes you can prep, and a lot of times things happen spontaneously. But I don’t want to be a “victim” to flying by the seat of my pants either. I have a brain, and God wants me to use it. It’s easy to do the thing without giving much thought. Especially knowing what brings life and what doesn’t.

Resting more

I will do this. It turns out burning the candle at both ends doesn’t work for me. I know some people who are super good at doing this. I’m not on that level. Weaker, perhaps. But I know it’s a blessing and a gift from God.

Psalm 23 says

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.

See that. He makes me lie down in green pastures. Cuz I’m His little sheep. And He knows better when I need rest than I do. Time and again He shows me when it’s time to rest. Since I try to avoid rest at all costs apparently. But I like the pasture. It’s a nice, comfortable place. There’s lots of food, and the still waters are nice. I realize I should do this more often.

He restores my soul. Yep. The simplicity of being at home. Resting. Sleeping. Caring for me. I’ve avoided it. I haven’t had a lot of time with God. I require it. He knows that I require it. And even though I continuously avoid it, He gives me the time to rest.

I wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for a three week residual head cold. Congestion and the like. On and off for three weeks. I’m tired of it. But it isn’t going away. I know so much of that is because I have NOT been sleeping enough. I need to rest. I need to catch up on sleep. I need to say no to things for a while until I can get back on track. And then I need to set boundaries and actually stick to them, so I don’t end up in this situation again.

But if I do end up in a similar situation, I know my God will take care of me. Even when I try to run myself into the ground and go on and on forever until there’s nothing left. I don’t mean to hurt myself in the process, I just end up hurting myself when I don’t stop. Rest is important. We need to sleep 1/3 of each day. Sounds like so much.

I have friends who are overachievers and get even more rest than this. I have neglected it and have not gotten that bare minimum. I can’t keep up.

He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

Thank you Lord, for leading me in paths of righteousness. When I neglect taking care of myself, I don’t have much to pour out to others. Especially if I’m sick.

Thank you for being with me Lord, and not leaving me alone to make decisions that lead to death. You intervene and give me rest when I don’t choose it for myself. You take care of me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Lord, why you want me in your house?!?!?! I don’t deserve it. I neglect what I should be doing constantly. Yet you continually take care of me and provide for me, and give me what I need again and again. I am so shortsighted. You know this about me and love me deeply. All I can do is praise you. You are soo good Lord.

Laugh or cry…. I think both. I am deeply loved by God. Even when I make bad decisions and don’t take care of myself. He is the perfect Father. He knows what’s best for me, and He gives it to me, however necessary. I guess I’m a slow learner. Always have done too much. Swung too far. All or nothing. He is making me more consistent, like Him.


Do you need to rest more?




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