Ahh. It’s Tuesday morning. And it’s raining. And I’m at work. Which sounds funny to say since I’m writing a blogpost. But today is kindof a slower day. I’m a caregiver, and the man I’m taking care of has family in town. So there are still plenty of things to do at the house, and we’re leaving pretty soon to go to a doctor’s appointment, but there is also some lag time. Which I’m very thankful for!
I’m hot right now.|Physically bothered. I feel like running. I think this is what happens when I start to exercise more often. My body craves it. The more I do it, the more I crave it. I swam at the pool last night and intended to stop after 1800 yards, but just kept swimming. I think I did 2700 yards. That’s more than I’ve done in quite a while. The more often I swim, the more endurance I have. The stronger I become. But sometimes, the antsier. Such a great word… antsier. Antsy. It means agitated, impatient or restless. Some synonyms are agitated, anxious, fidgety, jumpy, fretful, restless, stir-crazy, wired.
I guess antsy is a good adjective of how an ant it. A busy body. Working. Moving. Thriving. Moving objects from place to place. Collecting and building. Storing up things for the kingdom. The Ant-Kingdom. Collecting for the queen. Queen of the Ants.
I feel more like a pauper of the ants some days. But actually, today I feel like a royal ant. An antsy ant. My cousin had her baby the other day so I actually could be an Antsy Aunt. Haha just kidding, I’m only a second cousin. shrug
Antsy… anxious. But for what? I always seem to be waiting for something to happen. Anticipating something. Expecting something. I can’t just live for the now. Maybe I have too much down time. Isn’t this what I want as a writer? Downtime? As an artist? Time to make art and to sing and perform and create. But then sometimes my antsy qualities disable me from creating. My creativity is pushed to the ground and flattened, crushed, pressed down into nothing like a bug underneath the heel of my boot.
Crushed. Disabled. They become like part of the ground and I can’t tell which is dust and what was the art that I had envisioned. So many thoughts float around in my head, so many ideas that I want to formulate into words and sentences to express how glorious God is and how intricate life is and how much we all have to be thankful for. But the ants inside of me won’t sit still.
I’m taking a stretching break. I’m going to go sit on the wall now. Sounds like a pretty dumb activity, I realize. But I’m hoping it’ll strengthen my knees and they don’t hurt when I do the breaststroke and ride my bike. Getting back into exercising is the story of my life. I frequently “get back into it”. The reason I stop in the first place is because I tend to overdo it. Is there no balance? Can I never overdo things? This all-or-nothing mentality is a blessing and a curse. You need help with a task? I can get it done for you no problem. A list of things to do? Leave it to me and I will do it well and efficiently. But expect me to do that same list efficiently day-in & day-out? Forget it.
It’s too boring. I’m too antsy. I want to run from that list. Unpredictability. Change. Uprootedness. Mobility. Nomadicism. I just created that word, I think. You can use it if you want.
Yeaaaah so it’s either all or nothing. Right now it’s both though. Time to get out of my head. Time to get ready for that appointment. It’s not for me, it’s for the people I serve. Thank God I have people to serve. When it’s all about me I get antsy. I must live to serve. Service is life’s highest calling overall. Maybe my main problem is that I’m too selfish. So I would rather believe that I am more important than other’s needs. And I start to believe that other’s needs are boring. And heck, a lot of the time they are. But I’ve convinced myself that God wants me to be bored. He wants to slow me down and show me how to be consistent, like He is. Never-changing God. Always the same, yesterday, today and forever. I have so much to learn from Him.
Lord, make me like you. Grateful for the opportunity to serve. Grateful for my body and strength. Always seeking you. Especially when I’m antsy. Lord, grant me the peace of God which transcends my understanding. Thankyou that you alone can give me this peace. Peace that I don’t understand. That drowns the ants in my pants.