She asked me yesterday when I described how busy I’ve been.
“Have you been writing? Journaling? Getting quiet time and time to yourself?”
Umm well… not really. Not a whole lot. I’ve been around people a LOT. I’m not used to being around people a lot. I have always been somebody who recharges by being alone. And lately I’ve been changing. I’ve been in situations where I can’t find time alone. When I say lately I mean the last almost two years. I have been living in community with other people.
Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s really important to live in community. Really healthy. To have people keeping me accountable each day to stay consistent. Even though I think consistent is boring. I have always switched up my “routine” so as not to have a routine. I don’t like to do things the same way for very long so I don’t develop some “stuck-in-her-ways” identity. Nothing is always. Nothing is forever. I hate static. I can’t be static. I love change and always aspire to do better and to be better.
One of my fears is that I am going to be figured out. That my actions are going to be closely paid attention to, and somebody is going to figure me out. There’s something about being figured out that I really don’t like. I don’t want to accept help from people so I won’t feel like I owe them something back.
What’s wrong with me? Isn’t life on earth an opportunity to love others and pour out love? If so, why do I want so badly to be disconnected. I want to be independent. But I still want to help others.
I want to live orderly. But I can’t do this without accountability from other people. Because I’m weak. I am so weak. Sugar is my weakness. If only I could survive off of cookies and brownies. I would if I could. Since I can’t though, I have had to learn to have it only sometimes. Otherwise it makes me ill. Sometimes literally. It weakens my immune system.
I just want a night to myself. Is that too much to ask? Of course it isn’t. Of course, of course, of course it isn’t. I’ll get one this Friday, actually. That’s right. I’m not going to make plans for this Friday night and I am going to treat myself to something nice. Dinner. Video making. Yes, that would be fun. Guitar? I miss playing music. I miss singing. I have been sick-ish so I haven’t really sang.
Have you been writing? She asked me. I really haven’t. And now that I finally am it all comes out. Random things. Frustrations. Desires. Wants. Dreams. Hopes. Loves. Passions. Pursuits. Aspirations. Dedications. Motivations. Alliterations!
What would satisfy me more than anything right now? A hot bath. Too bad there is a dirty dehumidifier in my tub so I can’t take a bath! I don’t feel like cleaning that thing right now. That would require going out to the garage and getting a bottle brush; getting my hands dirty and scrubbing the awkwardly shaped water tank, and then drying it, putting it away; cleaning the tub…. Yeah no.
Other desires of my heart. To sleep. To Stop Feeling Congested. I suppose I should put some essential oils on myself
Okay I did it. I gave myself a little head, temple, face and neck massage too
I just continued on with that massage. It was lovely. I would like an even longer massage now. Of my entire self. That would be lovely. Very desirable. Yes please.
And then sleep.
And then for someone else to go grocery shopping for me first thing in the morning solely to buy mixed greens, carrots, celery, peppers, cucumber, tomatoes, nuts, cheese, salad dressing. I’m going to spend $30 on a salad for post thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night. And I have to go at 8:30 a.m. so I can chop the stuff
Nope I just decided I am NOT going to chop the stuff. I am going to buy it and bring it to my family’s house and figure it out there. Why has this salad been such a burden?
What lesson can I learn from procrastinating buying salad stuff?
A) Don’t procrastinate next time
I can’t think of a second one.
I should go to sleep. But I am expecting a phone call at 10:34 so I cannot. Maybe 11:00. Or a little after. I should be able to sleep then. Yes. So in the meantime I suppose I should clean out that darned dehumidifier. Sigh.
I think I’ll start writing again. Now that I’ve got out all of these ultra-important topics, next time I can focus on something better. Different. More profound.
Next time she asks me I’ll tell her I’ve been writing.