I hate myself


I am not 2-dimensional. But snapchat and Facebook make me so. A 2-dimensional me, unflattering pictures, showing lower than low. Whenever I go on Facebook, I become self conscious about my photos. And judge other people based on theirs. If I don’t look like a model in every picture I get upset. If I have a double chin or squinty eyes or a goofy dimple or a hundred other things it can ruin a memory for me. I start thinking of how I looked that day and whether or not others perceived me in either a hostile or loving way based on my looks.

I have spent too many hours posing for the same picture over and over again until it appears perfect.

I always tried to appear thinner than I was. I used tricks with lighting and angles to appeal to the curves in my face, head and body in all of the right ways. I didn’t want to accept the way I actually was because I hated myself.

I hated my stupid body that was always bloated; that never seemed to be satiated.
I hated my stupid mind for not processing when I was truly full until I had long surpassed eating a fair amount of food.
I hated myself for always promising myself that I would “never” binge eat again. I would never purge again. I would never hurt myself in these ways, again.

I hated my control issues that I tried to instill on my diet. I hated thinking that it made sense if I only put it in numbers. It’s the facts that counted. Calories became a religion for me. I studied religiously and memorized the amount of calories in every food that I consumed. I would try to plan meals based on calories. And even if I was still hungry, I would eat only that meal and nothing else. And if I wasn’t hngry, I would still eat the meal, thinking I needed to stay on schedule. I had to abide by the calories. All hail the Caloric Ratio Of Nutrients!! CRON! Shoulda used CRON-O-METER back then if I’d only known. Ha

I always think of how I would tell my sister about my eating disorder. So she won’t repeat my same mistakes.

Thanks for stopping by. Like what you’re reading? Stop by again for a whole plethora of thoughtful randomness.


Leave a Reply